


Fallout

by CStarblanket



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-22 23:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 47,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/615401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CStarblanket/pseuds/CStarblanket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natsuki and Shizuru have been together for eight years. Everything has been perfect but suddenly things are falling apart and neither one knows how to put themselves, or each other, back together. Rated T. Coarse language within.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Empty Room, I’m Empty Too

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sonja](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Sonja).



> Disclaimer: I do not and never will own Mai-Hime or the characters within. I just like writing stories about them.
> 
> Any opinions are welcome. I hope you've enjoyed.

Chapter One - An Empty Room, I'm Empty Too

Natsuki watched her reflection as she chewed on her lower lip nervously and adjusted the hemline of her dress. As per the usual, she had ended up hiding in the women’s bathroom to avoid making small talk with the many people that were mingling in the room down the hall. She always felt out of place and uncomfortable at dinner parties. Not that that was really a surprise. Natsuki was notorious for her dislike of social events. Everyone knew that if she could, Natsuki would find a way out of attending any event that involved propriety, dressing up, or small talk. She despised small talk. As a result, the only such events she ever attended were those held by Shizuru’s law firm. Since Shizuru’s attendance was mandatory, and it was expected she would have a date, Natsuki went. Partially because Shizuru wished it and Natsuki knew it made the brunette more comfortable to have her there and partially because Natsuki was too possessive to allow anyone else to escort her lovely girlfriend, even if it wasn’t a real date. 

Not that she would ever own up to that. It was one of the many things that Natsuki left unsaid, not wanting to let the emotions she was less proud of show. She hated how jealous she got, how possessive she was. She hated how she was constantly afraid of losing the woman she’d come to love to the point where living without her was not an option.

Natsuki’s world had come to revolve around two things. Shizuru, and the all-consuming worry that her fixation with her would be the reason she lost her. And no matter how hard she tried, Natsuki couldn’t condone her obsession. She had reached a point where she knew that the only way she could control her fear would be to prove that she wasn’t clingy and that she could give Shizuru space. Because how could anyone love a person who was so pathetic that they couldn’t stand on their own two feet? 

So maybe, just maybe, if she could learn to love Shizuru just a little less or if she could just learn to be okay on her own rather than falling into a desperate misery every time the brunette was gone, she would be able to stand beside Shizuru without the agonizing worry tainting every moment. The worry that Shizuru would see the real her and that she would leave as a result. Just like everyone else had. And Natsuki knew that she wouldn’t be able to get over losing Shizuru the way she’d gotten over every other person who’d walked out of her life. She’d never let anyone get so close. Never let anyone so far into who she was. Not until Shizuru. If she lost Shizuru there would be a hole that she’d never be able to fill.

She didn’t know when the comfortable companionship and affection she’d held for the woman blossomed into an obsession. And that was what worried Natsuki the most. The possibility that the way she felt about the older woman was abnormal or unhealthy. For all she knew her behaviour was borderline psychotic. And the only way she could find out would be to ask someone she knew. Natsuki had no experience to speak of and she was more than aware that asking someone else and allowing them in on her personal feelings and thoughts would not happen. And Natsuki was fairly sure she had no other options.

Her lips turned down into a serious frown and she began to push her hand through her hair, a nervous habit she’d maintained since high school, only to groan in irritation as she remembered the elegant bun it had all been gathered into. She settled for flicking her bangs to the side instead of her hair and went back to staring at her reflection.

The woman she saw reflected was marked by the scars of her past. She would never feel smart enough, attractive enough. She would never feel good enough. In particular she didn’t feel she’d ever be good enough for Shizuru. Hell, she probably would never feel good enough for anyone. Her track record only proved this. No one stayed around when it came down to it. Her father hadn’t, any friends she’d ever had had run for the hills the moment they discovered anything about her past, and she’d grown to expect that. The running. Then Shizuru had come along and she hadn’t given up. No matter what had occurred she’d fought for the chance to stay by her side. But why? For what? Was Natsuki worth that? Previous examples said no. So what did Shizuru see? How could Natsuki continue to live up to that image that Shizuru seemed to adore so much?

A small sigh escaped her and Natsuki closed her eyes. Now wasn’t the time for her to be thinking about such things. She needed to pull it together and get back out there where Shizuru was waiting for her.  
Just as she was about to open her eyes once more, a pair of arms encircled her waist. Before she could react in what was most likely to be a fairly violent manner the smell of Shizuru’s perfume wafted into her nose and she relaxed. She opened her eyes slowly and smile at the other woman’s reflection. “Hey. I was just about to come join you again.”

“I figured you would eventually but I didn’t want to wait. Besides, if you’d managed to come find me before I found you I wouldn’t have been able to do this.” In a swift motion Shizuru managed to turn Natsuki around so that they were facing each other.

Natsuki tilted her head back slightly and stared into dark crimson eyes. “And what would this be?”

A mischievous glint sparked in the taller woman’s eyes before they slid closed and she leaned in to move her lips over Natsuki’s own. With a small sound that melded as a mixture of agreement and contentment Natsuki kissed back.

The kiss was short and sweet as both knew someone could enter the restroom and anytime. They pulled away from each other slowly and began straightening any and all wrinkles that had developed from the embrace. “I guess we should head back before someone gets suspicious hey?”

Shizuru smiled sympathetically. “Yes. That would be for the best. We don’t have to stay much longer though. Soon we can head home and I will once again have my Natsuki all to myself.”

Natsuki rolled her eyes and stifled a laugh. “Sure. Whatever you say Shizuru.” She took a deep breath and blew it out before taking Shizuru’s arm and leading her towards the door determined to at least attempt to enjoy the rest of the night. “Let’s get this over with.” 

Shizuru followed behind her readily enough but just before they reach the door she took a moment to hide the concern that had crept into her features. Something had been bothering Natsuki and she couldn’t help but fear the day when she would find out what it was. For the time being however, she would just have to do as she’d always done, smile and give Natsuki her space. Then hopefully, it would all work out.

-

It was past ten and Shizuru was growing tired. She’d been waiting up for her girlfriend to return home but as the minutes slipped by she came to realize that the other woman wasn’t going to be returning home anytime soon.

Normally that wouldn’t phase Shizuru at all. Natsuki had worked later than intended many times before. But this wasn’t normal anymore. It was the third night in a row that Natsuki hadn’t returned home. Or if the younger woman had returned home she’d done it while Shizuru was at work and had left no sign of her presence.

To make matters worse it wasn’t the first time something Natsuki had been absent. Initially it had been only one day here and there. Then it had grown to two. And now it seemed three had become the norm. And there had been once or twice Natsuki had gone as long as four days without contacting Shizuru.

Shizuru’s jaw tensed as she finally allowed herself to consider the most obvious possibility for her partner’s extended absences. She hadn’t wanted to go off assuming things and making problems where there were none. She’d even confronted her love on the whole ordeal, asking her why she didn’t mention when she wouldn’t be home. The response she’d received had been far from reassuring. Natsuki had been defensive and stand-offish.

All of these things culminated in a mess that left Shizuru sitting on their couch at half past ten, wondering if the woman she loved was in the arms of another. The thought that Natsuki would cheat would have been ludicrous to her before. But before they’d been closer, they’d shared their days and their feelings. Now it almost felt as though they were strangers. And Shizuru couldn’t stand it. She wanted to rage at the younger woman. Demand answers. Demand something, anything.

A part of her was adamant that something would be better than the nothing they had become. But Shizuru knew, deep down, that there was something worse. A true nothing. As it stood she and Natsuki were still together. They still had conversations, as lacking as they were, and her girlfriend still kissed her goodbye before she left for work. That was something. Maybe it could no longer be classified as a meaningful something but it wasn’t as bad as the alternative.

Even as the thought flitted through her mind Shizuru felt her heart clench and her stomach turn. In moments like these, where the hurt and doubts flooded through her, Shizuru wanted to consider the alternative. A part of her even wanted the alternative. But she knew how badly it would hurt her. And every time she came close to making that passing possibility a tangible one her heart and her head clashed, both wanting different things. In the end, her heart won. Every time. Because Shizuru knew that if Natsuki truly was cheating on her, it wouldn’t matter who ended the relationship.  
She’d be the one to break.

-

Natsuki sat back in her chair and winced as her back cracked and something moved back into place. She’d finally finished compiling her research on her newest patient’s illness. It had taken her a great deal of time to sift through all the symptoms that had been pointing her in the wrong directions. And all the while she’d had to slowly watch her patient deteriorate.

It had been killing her. The woman was not too much younger than Natsuki and she’d apparently been on the verge of heading off to university. Then she’d started showing signs of an illness. She and her family had initially assumed it was nothing more than a simple illness. That it was a harmless virus that would run its course. But she’d gotten worse and worse until one day, she finally collapsed.

Then suddenly she’d begun having hallucinations and exhibiting several symptoms of psychosis. That was when Natsuki had been handed the case. Before Natsuki had even been able to find out all of the symptoms the girl had become much worse and had begun to exhibit signs of acute liver failure. Somehow they’d managed to avoid it but no one was sure how.

Merely dealing with the liver issues had sidetracked Natsuki and isolating which symptoms were offsets of the liver problems and which ones had been the initial neurological symptoms had proved to be incredibly difficult.

In the end Natsuki had realized she’d been looking in all the wrong places. As she’d gone through option after option she’d dismissed them. Some options stood out as more probably than others and it was those she looked at more closely. With most of the illnesses she looked at something would eventually stick out as unlikely and she would dismiss it. With those that remained likely, she’d administered the appropriate medications or treatments. Each time the failure of the treatments had proven her hypotheses wrong. And with each definitive failure Natsuki had become more frustrated.

Finally she had come to the conclusion that what the girl had wasn’t common. So she’d started looking at the less likely candidates. One had stood out to her and upon looking as far back in the patient’s family medical history she’d found a few distant cousins that had died from similar complications. Such cases showed up in both her mother’s and her father’s families. 

Eventually she’d pinpointed the most likely candidate for the girl’s strange symptoms as a disease known as Wilson’s disease. It was incredibly rare and very few people carried the gene that caused it. And somehow both of the girl’s parents had been unaffected carriers. Then their daughter had managed to be the one in the one in four to inherit the gene and contract the disease. The disease resulted in the accumulation of copper in her tissue. Unfortunately Natsuki knew that there was no perfectly reliable test for the disease. Her best shot was to do a liver biopsy. If the biopsy proved her hypothesis to be correct they were merely have to recommend the girl a diet of foods low in copper and prescribe some medication to prevent any further damage.

With a feeling of triumph still floating through her Natsuki left her office and tracked down the intern that had been watching over the patient with her and updated the young man on what she’d discovered. Once she was sure he understood everything she gave him orders to inform the parents and find a time in which they and Natsuki could talk and sign all the necessary documents for her to perform the biopsy.

After the intern had rushed off to fulfill his orders Natsuki glanced at the time. It was nearly one in the morning. The time had passed by much faster than she had realized. She focused for a moment, trying to remember what time her shift had ended at. She sighed as she realized she was supposed to have left many hours before, in the early afternoon. For the most part it wasn’t that big of an issue. Shizuru most certainly wasn’t waiting up for her. She rarely told her partner when her shifts were any longer. The bigger issue was that Natsuki hadn’t been home in days. She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been home. Even worse she was fairly sure the last time she had been home she’d barely talked to Shizuru.

As she entered her office Natsuki’s emerald gaze zeroed in on her phone. Her first instinct was the same it had always been, to call home and let Shizuru known where she was. 

For a moment Natsuki couldn’t help the wave of emotion that collided into her. She was tired and she’d been working herself to the bone. Every nerve she had felt fried and raw and it reminded her once more of why she’d been avoiding her girlfriend. In the state she’d been in Natsuki knew she was volatile and likely to flip out at any moment. And knowing this she was stuck in constant fear that the person she would blow up at would be Shizuru.

Things had been so tense and strained and Natsuki knew that it was her own fault. For the longest time Natsuki had taken advantage of Shizuru willingness to hear her out on her problems. She’d been using Shizuru to blow off steam and in the process she had been burdening her. When Natsuki had realized what she’d been doing she’d barely managed to restrain her self-disgust. In the end the only cure to her guilt was to promise herself that she would stop burdening her girlfriend with all her problems and instead offer Shizuru the opportunity to vent.

Unfortunately it hadn’t been going as Natsuki had planned. She hadn’t realized just how much telling Shizuru everything had worked as a de-stressor for her and now, without that outlet, everything was piling up in her head and driving her mad. The obvious solution was to just resume talking to Shizuru about everything again. But to do so Natsuki would have to burden Shizuru with all of her feelings of self-disgust, guilt and loathing. And no matter how hard she tried to convince herself to do it, Natsuki just couldn’t. She knew she already relied on Shizuru too much as was. She loved her too much, needed her too badly. Surely, under the pressure of all that, Shizuru would eventually break and decide she couldn’t take it anymore.

And that left Natsuki stuck in the middle, with no idea what to do or where to go. No matter how hard she thought about it, she couldn’t even think of a solution. A part of her wanted to ask someone else and get some advice but her private nature made her wary of doing anything of the sort. So it appeared that for a while at the very least, Natsuki would remain stuck. She could only hope that she could figure out a better solution eventually.

In the mean time she was going to have to suck up her fears and head home. She’d spent one too many nights in the hospital, and though she truly did love her job the place was beginning to drive her crazy. All she could do was try to ignore the niggling fear that she would make all of her worst nightmares a reality. And in the process, do everything she’d tried so hard to avoid and lose the one she loved.

-

Shizuru flicked through the options on the screen, reading the synopses as they passed. As she did so she had to admit to herself that it really didn’t matter which movie she selected to play because the bottom line was that she wasn’t going to watch it.

She blew out a small breath and let her eyes wander the half lit room. As her burgundy eyes landed on the clock across the room she winced. It was already half past one and she knew there was no way she’d be getting to bed any time soon with the way she was feeling.

She unfolded her long legs and stood. Since she was going to be up at least a while longer she figured she could do with a cup of tea and maybe a late night snack. As she passed into the kitchen Shizuru couldn’t help but sigh once more. It was perfectly spotless. In most cases the cleanliness of the space would have made her happy. Unfortunately the reason behind the continued state wasn’t even remotely positive. Normally there would have been a few opened letters tossed on the table, a few cups by the sink, maybe even a loaf of bread left on the counter instead of being put back in the bread box. And there definitely would have been a set of keys by the coffee maker. All of those things, things that technically tainted the immaculate cleanliness that Shizuru used to strive for, were signs that someone lived there.

Signs that Natsuki lived there. More and more, the little signs of Natsuki had been disappearing and Shizuru wasn’t sure why. At first she’d figured that Natsuki had merely been attempting to be polite and clean up after herself but Shizuru couldn’t attain the reason why it had happened so suddenly. There were so many things that had been happening that she just couldn’t understand. All she could really grasp was that Natsuki was going through something, some sort of change. A change that Shizuru was fairly sure didn’t include her.

The kettle whistled, startling Shizuru out of her thoughts for a moment. As she prepared her tea they came flooding back once more. She was beginning to think there was to be no relief from her inner turmoil. Of course, she could just ask Natsuki about it all. And wasn’t that just the crux of the matter? All she needed to do was ask. A few simple words phrased in just the right way and she would get an answer. It was so simple. In theory at least.

Shizuru picked up her steaming mug and carried it over to the balcony. She slid the door open easily and stepped out into the night air. She allowed her thoughts to occupy themselves with how refreshing the cool air felt. Eventually the darker thoughts that had been flitting about returned once more as a particular thought shoved itself to the surface.

You’re scared.

And indeed she was. Shizuru Fujino was not one to be easily cowed by anything and it was even more uncommon that she would readily back down. But it wasn’t every day that Shizuru was unsure of her footing either. And lately, with Natsuki, unsure was all she was. She didn’t know what to say, how to act, what to do. She was torn between hurt and dread. All the signs pointed towards a precipice in their relationship and Shizuru couldn’t help but feel like they were engaged in a balancing act.

A balancing act that one wrong word could destroy, that one action could up end.

And then where would she be? With Natsuki? Most likely not. Things had been growing dire for a long time. The more Natsuki worked, the more stressed out she seemed to become. And Shizuru had been doing all she could to relieve that stress. And she’d been successful, up until the point where Natsuki began to shut her out. Now all she could do was watch that tension build and push them further apart.

All because she was a coward.

-

Natsuki rubbed the back of her neck as she climbed the stairs to the apartment she and Shizuru shared. It had been a long day and she wasn’t entirely sure what to expect once she entered their home. Initially she had assumed she’d slip in while Shizuru was asleep and then the other woman would awaken and head off to work before she did. In such a case Natsuki had known that she would be able to avoid seeing the brunette and wouldn’t have to worry about what to say or do.

Then she’d realized that it was a Friday and Shizuru didn’t have work the next day. On the weekends Shizuru had always had a habit of staying up quite late. One she’d actually inherited from Natsuki herself. They’d always stayed up late together when they could and talked or watched movies together. Sometimes they would play board games or Shizuru would watch while Natsuki played on her console. But none of those things had happened for a long while. And no matter how hard Natsuki tried not to, she missed those nights.

There wasn’t much she could do about it though. She’d accepted that. It was one of those cases where she’d set herself up for the fall and now she had to suffer the consequences. The heavy weight of that knowledge along with the day to day stresses that work had been piling on her increased the constant, buzzing feeling that had been itching under her skin. She was constantly on edge and tense. 

Volatile. That was the perfect word to describe how she felt. For too long she’d internalized so much. The feeling had been bubbling up from underneath for so long. She kept it locked away, not wanted to ruin the perfection she and Shizuru had shared. But as her insecurities had mounted the more negative feelings had as well.

Natsuki nearly flinched as she realized she was standing in front of the door to the apartment. There was no more putting it off. She finally had to go home and face the woman she’d been committed to for so long. The woman she’d shared so much with but had hidden half of the most important aspects of herself from. She had told Shizuru of her hopes and dreams but she’d never shared her fears. She’d kept them close and hidden them away, so afraid of how Shizuru would react when she saw the worst of her.

And for an instant, a part of her resented Shizuru for it. She resented her for being so perfect and making Natsuki feeling unworthy. But as quickly as the flare of anger came it fled and was replaced with intense self-loathing. How could she even think that way? Shizuru had never been anything but encouraging and supportive. And her she was, using her as a target for her own messed up feelings.

She reached out and turned the knob as all these feelings whirled through her. Later she’d wonder if maybe, just maybe, if she’d taken a few more moments to sort herself out, if she could have prevented what came next.

As she stepped into the small front hall way she clearly heard the sound of someone moving in the kitchen. She couldn’t help the way her body tensed or the way dread welled up from the pit of her stomach to flood through her body. And she hated herself for it. What kind of person had that sort of reaction upon coming close to the person they loved? And Natsuki did love Shizuru. That was the only truth she’d been able to hold onto. But it was beginning to show that, no matter how much she loved the brunette, their relationship was no longer right.

A sigh escaped her lips and she dropped her bag by the door. She toed her shoes off slowly, doing everything she could to draw out the time before she was confronted by her partner. It didn’t matter how long she prolonged the simple rituals of coming home, it was still over far too quickly and before she could prepare herself sufficiently she was entering the kitchen where Shizuru stood.

Silence reigned as the two women stared at each other for the first time in over four days. The longest they’d been apart for a long time. They both looked worse for wear and there were hues of unwanted emotions swimming in the depths of both of their gazes. Neither one wanted to be the one that spoke first.

Finally words slipped out of Natsuki’s mouth. Unwanted, unbidden words. Words she couldn’t take back. Rather than the heartfelt greeting she should have uttered her words were tempered with indifference. “You’re up pretty late. Why?”

For a moment it almost looked as though the brunette flinched before her face closed off in the mask she’d perfected in high school. A mask that Natsuki had seen many times, but had rarely, if ever, had directed at her. “I tend to stay up fairly often. Though I suppose I can’t expect you to know that as you’re rarely here.”

Natsuki ignored the flash of what might have been regret that flashed through crimson eyes and allowed the initial feelings that leapt forward in response to the other woman’s words take control. “Not much of reason for me to be. It’s easier if I stay at the hospital. I get more done.”

Hurt flashed through the other woman’s eyes before dark brown lashes lowered hiding Shizuru’s eyes. “What is it exactly you do Natsuki?” The syllables of her name were drawn out and laced with warning and something else. 

“Why should I tell you? You don’t need to know what I do at work.” Natsuki’s thoughts were screaming out at her, telling her that she was saying all the wrong things. That her words were untrue, spoken only out of the anger and tension that had been lying dormant. They urged her to take everything back and apologize before she made it all worse.

Dark red eyes iced over and Shizuru’s mouth tightened almost imperceptibly. “It’s not what you do at work that I wonder about Natsuki. It’s what you do when you’re not at work. You rarely come home anymore. And when you do come home it’s almost as though you time it to be when I’m not around. Where do you stay? What do you do?” A hint of frustration and desperation inched into Shizuru’s voice as it became almost imperceptibly louder.

The implication was clear in Shizuru’s words. She suspected Natsuki of cheating. The same thing her father had done…The rage was instant and instead of the truth that had begun to rise to Natsuki’s lips, something else entirely emerged. “It’s none of your damn business Shizuru. I do my work and I help pay my half of the bills. Anything else I do is none of your concern!” Without intending too, Natsuki’s voice had risen to a full blown yell. She had never yelled at Shizuru before. And even now, a part of her knew it wasn’t really Shizuru she was yelling at.

Shizuru’s eyes widened a fraction and she set her shoulders as she rested her hip against the counter. As she moved her expression transformed into one of cool detachment. She gave Natsuki an icy smile. “Oh? I wasn’t aware. For some odd reason I assumed that being your roommate as well as your girlfriend meant something. My mistake. So that brings up an entirely new question. What in the world are we now? What are we going to be?”

Natsuki’s pride stood in the way of the area of her mind that was screaming for her to get down on her knees and beg Shizuru for forgiveness. But a much larger part was infuriated by what Shizuru had implied. Natsuki was nothing if not loyal. And if Shizuru thought so lowly of her…then she almost wanted there to be nothing between them.

But that thought, that possibility hurt too badly for her to turn it into a reality. Once more she had thrown herself into a situation that she had no idea how to deal with. So instead of dealing, Natsuki did what she always had. She ran. Without another glance at the brunette she was out the door and headed back to the hospital, change of clothing forgotten.

-

Shizuru rubbed her temples as she stopped in front of the door to her and Natsuki’s apartment. Grocery bags sat by her feet as she stood outside the door and gathered herself. It had been a stressful day and the last thing she wanted to do was enter their home and see Natsuki after the fight they’d had only a few nights before. 

Ever since the night they’d had their less than pleasant exchange their conversations had gone from bad to much worse. Now the majority of Natsuki’s answers were short and strained. They’d had some arguments but it seemed that every time Shizuru had tried to make even simple conversation the blue-haired woman had given vague response. And if her time as a lawyer had taught her nothing else, it was how to identify when someone was trying to avoid saying anything of value. Natsuki was evading any and all types of personal conversation. Sharing had become completely off limits. It had hurt the first time her partner had done it. Shizuru hadn’t understood why her lover didn’t want to share stories of her patients as she’d done so many times before.

After it had become the norm Shizuru had come to accept it without need for an explanation. And as it went on, Natsuki began to divulge less and less about her personal life. She would disappear in the evenings and work late without giving Shizuru notice. And then they had had that argument. Since then it was almost as though they were two strangers who lived in the same apartment. 

The younger woman’s actions had made Shizuru’s fears become more and more real. It was apparent that things were going past the turning point if they hadn’t already. Now…now Shizuru could only sit at home, alone, and let the numbness take over. She no longer wanted to try to maintain any semblance of a relationship. It almost pained her to even touch the woman she loved in the most casual of ways. Every time she couldn’t help but picture Natsuki with another woman, doing the same thing Shizuru herself was doing, but with more warmth, with actual feeling.

And no matter how many times she tried to stop herself from dwelling on it, the thoughts came back to torment her again and again. The only positive of the whole situation was that the more her fears and doubts tortured her, the easier it was to deal with not seeing the woman she loved. It was getting to the point that Shizuru was almost relieved to return to an empty apartment. And more often than not that was the way their home was. Natsuki rarely ever returned home, and when she did it was only to get some spare clothes.

Shizuru had stopped wondering where the blue-haired woman was staying the night a long time ago. The concept was too much for her to bear. And as the nights pass, Shizuru became more and more numbed to the growing chasm in their relationship.

As far as she could tell, there would be nothing left for them to salvage.

\- 

Shizuru closed her eyes and sank back into the couch. Natsuki was three and a half hours late and Shizuru knew what that meant by this time in their relationship. Natsuki had forgotten their anniversary once again and it was likely that the older woman wouldn’t be seeing her partner until the next day, if at all.

When they’d first started dating, back when Shizuru had begun university, they’d been nearly inseparable, always finding ways to be together in spite of their busy schedules. That hadn’t changed much even when Natsuki had entered their university’s medical program and Shizuru had immersed herself in the law program. It wasn’t until the two of them had completed their degrees and gotten jobs that something had changed.

They’d still made time for each other of course, but the impossible determination they were both known for no longer seemed to encompass the other in its goals. Shizuru had been the first to figure this out when she’d finally won the most difficult, publicized homicide case she’d ever come up against. And, as with most triumphs she experienced, her first desire was to share it with Natsuki. The only problem had been that she hadn’t seen Natsuki in over a week. The blue haired woman had been working night shifts and with Shizuru staying at the firm and working on her case late into the evening they had just been missing each other time and time again.

The brunette sighed as she remembered that day. She’d come home, just as she had so many times before, and she’d waited. And waited. Until eventually she’d realized, for the first time of many that Natsuki just wasn’t coming home. In the months that followed Shizuru did what she could to bring that spark they’d had back into their relationship only to be blocked time and time again by the person she was struggling to connect to.

It had only been a year since that fateful realization and in the months since then Shizuru’s attempts had become mockeries of what they once were. Mockeries just like the situation she was enduring at that moment. It was the eighth anniversary of the day they promised to always be together, to always support each other, and to always love each other. And now here she was, wondering what those words had become and what they now meant.

And Shizuru knew it was more than just them growing apart. It was as though Natsuki was holding back, drawing herself inward, away from Shizuru. No matter how hard she tried, Shizuru couldn’t understand what she had done wrong. What she had said or done that had made her lover pull back and lose confidence in their relationship.

Because that was it. The big thing that Shizuru had begun to notice, that she’d truly begun to fear. At first it had just been little things. Natsuki would say less about her day, she wanted to go out less, she shared her interests less. Then she’d stopped accompanying Shizuru to the parties her law firm held. Initially the latter hadn’t bothered her. She’d known Natsuki wasn’t exactly partial to social engagements and she’d felt so honored when Natsuki had been willing to put up with them for her sake. But something had changed the way she felt about Shizuru. Or perhaps Natsuki had never felt the way about Shizuru that she’d assumed. 

In the end that was the biggest issue, the one that she didn’t want to face at any cost, the thing that Shizuru had wondered about the most. Had Natsuki ever truly wanted the same things she had wanted? Or had Natsuki just tried to live up to what she’d thought Shizuru expected to maintain their friendship? She’d never asked. How was someone to go about a question like that? Do you love me or do you love me? How would Natsuki have known what she meant? Or what if Natsuki thought she was in love but had it all wrong because she had nothing to compare it to? What then?

What if…all along…Natsuki had just been putting up with Shizuru to keep her happy? What if none of their relationship had been what Natsuki had wanted? Maybe the blue-haired woman had felt like she owed her friend for all the help she’d bestowed during high school and dating her was the only way she’d come up with? And now…now she felt she’d repaid her debt. Meaning she was finally done with Shizuru and just didn’t know how to break it off.

Or maybe…just maybe their relationship hadn’t been meant to succeed. From the beginning Shizuru had pushed for something to happen. Time and time again she’d made the first move. Maybe she’d just convinced herself that it was everything she wanted it to be so that she wouldn’t have to face the failure of her first and only love.

What if…she was holding Natsuki back and the younger woman had merely been trying to appease her by staying in a relationship she felt had run its course? It wasn’t as if Natsuki had any experience with relationships. She’d never given any boys a second glance in high school. She’d always been focused and driven to gain answers in regards to her mother’s death and her own childhood. 

Shizuru emitted a small whimper involuntarily. There was only one thing she could really do. Keeping up the farce their relationship had become was no longer an option. The possibility that she was putting Natsuki through any sort of difficulty or situation she didn’t wish for wasn’t something she could do.

She sighed and stared at the entryway where Natsuki was due to arrive later on mournfully. “I guess this way I’ll finally get the chance to see if we were meant to be.”

-

Natsuki stared at the door to the apartment she and Shizuru shared, irritated as the familiar dread settled in the pit of her stomach. It had seemed like just yesterday that coming home to Shizuru had been the highlight of her day. When had it become something she tried to avoid? How had she not realized that all those times she’d agreed to stay a few hours longer or cover someone’s shift had been to avoid this exact moment and this very feeling? Why hadn’t she tried to combat it before it had gotten so common? Before it had become a necessity to avoid her home?

She slumped against the wall beside the door and closed her eyes, holding back the urge to do something. Be it to scream, cry, laugh hysterically, or hit something she wasn’t sure. It took her a moment before she was able to rein everything in and compose herself before she turned the knob and forced herself through the door.

Most of the lights were off, leaving the apartment dim. Natsuki frowned, accustomed to Shizuru having most of them on as she constantly flitted from room to room. As she set her coat and bag down on the hall table the dread she’d felt intensified. Nothing felt the way it should. She took a deep breath and held it until she found herself in the living room staring into the eyes of the woman she’d loved for so long and somehow grown so far from.

“Shizuru...” The once so-fondly uttered word came out in a shaky exhale. She let her eyes wander over the woman, unable to refrain from admiring her beauty and casual elegance before settling on the uncommon frown that had settled on her lovely features. It was then that Natsuki knew what was coming next.

Shizuru stood and took a few steps forward before stopping, remaining a few steps away from Natsuki. Her frown slipped into one of longing sadness. “Natsuki…”

She relished the sound of her name made more beautiful by the familiar Kyoto accent and suddenly, Natsuki knew she couldn’t take what was coming next. Shizuru was the most important thing in her life and had been for years. And how had Natsuki shown her that? She hadn’t. She hadn’t shown it at all. Which brought up the true question Natsuki had to ask her self; did she truly deserve Shizuru after neglecting her to such an extent? After taking her for granted? The blue-haired woman squeezed her eyes shut in a moment of childish hope that the action would make reality fade away.

She heard a soft step and felt Shizuru hesitate. “Natsuki, I…we’ve…” She sighed, and in that sigh Natsuki heard all the pain she’d caused, the longing, the forgotten hopes, and the resignation.  
Hot tears prickled behind her eyes as she slowly opened them bringing the floor into her view. She tried to meet the crimson eyes she’d adored for so long, tried to give Shizuru that at the very least but found she was too cowardly. ‘The least I can do at this point is give her what she wants, let her go without a fight. By this point, she deserves at least that.’ And Shizuru truly did. The way Natsuki had been treating the brunette was far from what she deserved. Without realizing it, Natsuki had finally made all of her insecurities about being unworthy a complete reality. 

The heavy feeling in her stomach seemed to grow to encase her chest, leaving it aching and tight. She momentarily allowed herself a fleeting observation that your heart couldn’t actually break and that the pain she was feeling, in spite of how it was physically affecting her, was merely emotional. Natsuki lifted her eyes to meet the other woman’s before dropping them and finally speaking. “I know ‘Zuru.” She shook her head slowly and felt the energy drain from. “I’m so sorry.”

A warm hand settled on her shoulder and Natsuki hated herself for not knowing what to say to make the woman she loved stay and even more so for knowing she didn’t deserve to have her stay. “I wish things hadn’t reached this pointed Natsuki. But I promise I will make it as easy and painless for you as possible. I’ve already removed most of my things and I’ll be back for everything else tomorrow…”

Natsuki tuned the older woman out at the word ‘easy’. How could this be easy? Or painless? How could Shizuru not know this was tearing her apart? That she was mentally cursing herself for her goddamned inability to ever show how she felt or say it or even say anything? All she could manage were innocuous words that meant nothing. Just as Natsuki’s rage rose up she pushed it down. She was hurt and desperate and Shizuru deserved better than having Natsuki lash out at her. Here she was, doing what she’d always done. She’d always been trying to make everything easier on Natsuki. She thought back to all the times 

Shizuru had prepared dinner after she’d worked a long day herself just so Natsuki wouldn’t have to do anything once she’d gotten home. Now that she thought of it, Natsuki realized that Shizuru had done virtually everything. 

What had she done in return?

Nothing. Less than nothing. She’d hidden her fears from her and kept Shizuru at a distance from a part of who she was. In effect, she hadn’t given the older woman the complete honesty she had promised.

But she could do something now, something to make up for it all. She could give Shizuru that easy break she was striving for. She raised her face to finally meet Shizuru’s eyes. She didn’t push away her hair as it slid forward to shadow her own eyes, slightly thankful for the additional coverage it gave. Feeling fairly certain she could finally speak with a level tone Natsuki forced a smile and did what she could to return Shizuru’s kindness, just this once. “Are you going to need any help? I have work tomorrow but I’m sure I could call in. My co-workers are always telling me they owe me for all the shifts I’ve covered and they’ve been practically begging me to let them cover one anyway so it wouldn’t be a problem I mean…” She trailed off, realizing she’d been rambling. It had always been a nervous habit of hers. If only she would spout out something more than useless words when she did it maybe she wouldn’t be standing here, trying to hold back the sobs that were building in her throat, maybe Shizuru wouldn’t…

The brunette’s lilting voice broke into her thoughts. “I’ll be fine. My assistant is helping me. And there isn’t much left anyway. But thank you for the offer Natsuki. It is very kind of you.”

Inwardly, she cringed at the formal tone. It had been years since Shizuru had been so formal and distant as she was now. So…aloof. But it had been becoming common for quite a time. And Natsuki had ignored it, had almost welcomed it. But now, now she hated it. She forced herself to nod and smile again. “It’s no problem. I’ll be at work then I suppose. It’ll keep me out of your way. Just give me a call if you end up needing anything.”

Some emotion Natsuki couldn’t place flitted through crimson eyes only to be replaced with a smile that didn’t seem real. “Thank you very much Natsuki. I’m sure I’ll be fine though.” She picked up her purse from the table and began to walk past Natsuki, stopping as she stood beside her. “I think that’s all then. I’ll be on my way now and allow you to get a good night’s rest.”

For a moment Natsuki was afraid her never failing control would snap and let her launch herself at the taller woman, sobbing and begging her to stay. Using every ounce of the steely resolve she’d developed since her mother’s death she shut her emotions down in a way she hadn’t since before she’d allowed herself to love Shizuru and be loved in return. “Yeah. Thanks. Have a safe trip.”

And with that, Shizuru walked out of her life. Only then did Natsuki let herself sink to the floor and finally break.


	2. And Everything Reminds Me Of You

Chapter 2 - And Everything Reminds Me Of You

Natsuki didn't know how long she had sat on the cold hardwood floor trying to rein in the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. It felt like hours but at the same time, mere moments. As she attempted to get a hold on her emotions once more she realized that there was a new sound accompanying that of her strangled sobs.

She stood on shaky legs and made her way over to the hallway where she had left her bag. After a few moment of blindly rustling through the bag she found the source of the noise, her phone. The caller id informed her that it was the hospital calling and she answered it immediately. "Hello"

"Natsuki? We need you to come in as soon as possible, there was a train wreck and we're getting more patients than we can currently handle."

Natsuki recognized the voice as that of her long-time friend Mai who worked at the same hospital as she did. "Got it. I'll be there as soon as I can." She hung up the phone and quickly brushed her hair and teeth before grabbing a clean set of clothes. Once she was done her normal routine she took a few extra moments to attempt to erase the signs that she'd spent the night crying. Once it was clear that she was going to look like crap one way or another Natsuki grabbed her coat and bag once again and set off.

By the time the rush of patients had been seen to Natsuki was beyond exhausted. She was running on no sleep and had the added exhaustion of an intense amount of crying. The two combined and she had reached the point where everything hurt. Normally her first course of action would be to find a room to sleep it off in but she preferred the physical discomfort to the emotional pain she had been holding back. The thought of heading home or finding a place in which she could be alone filled her with dread.

Hot tears began pricking at the backs of her eyes and Natsuki let out a strangled noise as she turned to rest her forehead against the window she'd been leaning against. The sight she was met with almost brought forth a spurt of laughter. Raining was pounding down onto innocent bystanders who were scurrying left and right to escape it. It was weather like this that she would have expected to accompany the night before rather than the calm sunset she'd neglected to enjoy.

But it was here now. The rain scene to accompany her despair. She would almost enjoy how stereotypical it was if she hadn't been doing everything she could to just remain numb. She needed something to focus on, something that would keep her from thinking about her personal life.

And without Shizuru…work was the only thing she had.

Natsuki pushed away from the window, neutrally observing how her presence had begun to fog up the cold glass, and steeled herself once more. All she needed to do was get back to work. If she could manage that, everything would be okay. Everything would be okay.

If only Natsuki could believe she wasn't just telling herself that.

-

Shizuru stepped out of her car, vaguely aware of her assistant doing the same. If she was honest with herself she would admit that this was the last place she wanted to be. Then again, that wasn't exactly true. The apartment she and Natsuki shared, or had shared, was the only place she wanted to be. The issue lied solely in why she was there. Once she removed the rest of her belongings, the night before would made into a full reality. She and Natsuki would no longer be together and just like that all the years they'd been together would finally be done. Almost as if they had never happened.

The movement of dark cyan hair drew Shizuru's attention and she turned to watch her assistant surveying her surroundings with interest. The area was a rather nice once. There was a decent amount of trees lining the streets and the buildings on either side of the road were well maintained and worth a decent amount.

For a moment Shizuru couldn't help but regret bringing the younger woman with her. Her and Natsuki's- no, just Natsuki's- home was a much too personal place. If she hadn't needed the help she never would have considered bringing anyone. And though she was aware she could have taken Natsuki up on her offer to help, Shizuru wasn't sure she would have been able to stick to her decision. Just one smile from Natsuki and Shizuru would have been on her knees begging the woman to forgive her mistake and pretend the previous night had never happened. And as much as Shizuru wished it had never happened, she knew it was necessary. She loved Natsuki too much to force her to remain in a relationship she didn't want and she knew Natsuki would feel honor bound to remain with her no matter how she felt.

The brunette held back a sigh and straightened her shoulders as she started towards the building. All intentions to take her time getting there were ruined by the sudden torrent of rain. She rushed forward and into the building. From there it didn't take too long to reach the top floor where she'd resided with Natsuki for the past few years but to Shizuru, it felt like forever. It didn't help that her companion insisted on following behind her as closely as humanly possible without tripping them both. Though she knew it was unfair Shizuru couldn't help but feel every move the girl made was intrusive. Rather than dwelling on it she chalked it up to the mess of emotions she felt.

Almost too soon they stood in front of the apartment door and without thinking of it Shizuru spoke. "Thank you for accompanying me Ms. Marguerite. If you don't mind I'd request that you wait out here and I'll quickly go in and get my things. I really only need help carrying them all down."

The girl looked surprised for a minute before her expression became one of understanding. "Of course Ms. Fujino. Just let me know if you need me. I'll keep watch out here."

Shizuru was well aware that the girl had completely misunderstood her reasons for leaving her out in the hall but she didn't feel like attempting to sort the matter out and instead forced a polite smile and unlocked the door, slipping in quickly.

Gathering her things was fairly easy. She'd cleared out almost everything the day before. Natsuki had been at work for most of the day so she'd been fairly thorough. Now it was merely a matter of gathering the little things. She headed to the bedroom where she had left a few small travel bags pulled them out, setting them on the bed. The room seemed the same as it had when she'd left it the day before. Though that wasn't surprising. Natsuki had probably gotten called into work not long after she had left or something similar. The likelihood of the woman having stayed long enough to truly change anything was slim, as per usual.

She sighed and looked around the room, immediately becoming confused at the sudden lack of clarity in her vision. She frowned and attempted turning on the light to bring everything into focus. When the added light only made things worse she tried rubbing her eyes only to find them overflowing with moisture. As a strangled sob escaped from her lips Shizuru let herself sink to the floor and cry.

Maybe a few tears wouldn't fix everything and maybe crying would only make her weak but Shizuru didn't care any longer. Every movement she made was followed by her mind screaming out at her to do the opposite. She wanted to stay. She wanted to make Natsuki love her the way she'd always dreamed. She wanted to damn all the consequences and take what she wanted. And that's exactly what she would have done if Natsuki wouldn't have been hurt by it. If Natsuki had wanted it as badly as she did. But the night before had confirmed it. The way Natsuki had let her go…not even attempting to fight to keep their relationship. It had said volumes.

Though the younger woman had tried to hide it, Shizuru had seen troubled look that had been increasingly crossing the woman's pretty features. And no matter how many different ways Shizuru had tried to discover the problem, her concerns only seemed to make things worse. From the signs she could identify it looked like Natsuki's problems all stemmed from one area of her life and that area was the one Shizuru herself occupied.

And then the arguments had begun. Somehow even those hadn't put things into perspective for her at first. But eventually Shizuru forced herself to face the music so to speak. Only then was she able to admit to herself that she couldn't simply ignore the situation anymore. As hard as that was for Shizuru to accept, it at least meant that she could solve Natsuki's problems in one simple step. Removing herself from the equation.

Right from the beginning she'd pushed herself on the younger girl. It had never been her intention but every time the fiery female had been near she'd been unable to resist reaching out and trying to become closer to her. Natsuki was quite simply a brilliant light, a flame amidst the dark and Shizuru couldn't help but be drawn to her.

Right from the start Shizuru had seen everything she was missing in the smaller girl. Where Shizuru was cool and calm, Natsuki was fiery and energetic. Where Shizuru was elegant and well-mannered Natsuki was blunt and honest. Though it had seemed like they were two people destined to never get along, somehow they'd managed it. That friendship had been enough for Shizuru, at first.

But then, as she got to know more about the cerulean haired girl, Shizuru hadn't been able to help falling in love with every facet of her personality. Then, without even intending to, she'd pushed her feelings onto her friend and forced an admission of returned feelings.

She sat on the cold floor for a time. She wasn't sure how long but she faintly heard her companion calling out to her. She pulled herself together and stood quickly moving to the doorway where she knew the other woman would hear her reply. "I'm fine Ms. Marguerite. I just need a bit more time. My apologies." She waited for a response and upon hearing her assistant's agreement returned to the task at hand.

It didn't take her long to gather the remainder of her things and once she was done, Shizuru couldn't help but linger. To have it all come to an end…to have to leave Natsuki…Shizuru wasn't sure how she would handle it. So far she hadn't really needed to. It was almost a continuation of the long nights she'd spent at home alone, waiting for Natsuki to return only to realize she wouldn't. On such nights, when she'd felt lonely, she would just watch moves or read and when things got really bad she would visit her mother at their family home in Tokyo. The night before had merely felt like one of those nights. But to have another followed by another? And then to find a place of her own and…

Shizuru shook her head, frowning as a strand of honey brown hair fell into her eyes. She couldn't think about this. Not now. The thought of a future without Natsuki was unbearable. Planning that future would have to wait.

As she turned to leave the room for the last time, Shizuru's eyes fell on the open closet. It was never her way to leave anything open. It had always been Natsuki forgetting to close doors and at times, even drawers. Drawers that she would then run into. A sad smile curved soft pink lips as she set her hand on the closet door. Before she could shut it however, an old shirt of Natsuki's caught her eye. It seemed to have been knocked off the shelf it had lain on and was wedged between a pair of heels Natsuki barely wore and the wall.

Shizuru leaned down and picked it up. Without thinking of what she was doing Shizuru brought the shirt to her nose and inhaled softly. It had been awhile since the cobalt haired woman had worn it but her scent was still fairly strong. The scent washed over her and Shizuru found herself calming down. It was the best she had felt since she'd come to the conclusion that she needed to give Natsuki her freedom. She held the shirt out in front of her and inspected it more closely. The shirt had been Natsuki's favorite and she'd constantly worn it until Shizuru had bought her another night shirt. Natsuki had been more than willing to retire her old shirt saying something about how it had a hole and was on the verge of becoming see-through.

With the knowledge that Natsuki wouldn't miss the shirt in mind Shizuru added it to one of her bags. She started to gather her things to leave once more then paused. Taking Natsuki's shirt would help. It would be something she could hold onto for comfort but also, it made her feel like they wouldn't be completely separated. It would be a reminder that she and Natsuki had had something and that it had mattered. Somehow though, it didn't seem like it was enough. She wanted some sort of connection to remain between the two of them. She wanted there to be something, no matter how insubstantial it was, that connected them.

A thought occurred to her and though Shizuru knew it was silly and irrational, or perhaps because of it, she proceeded to decide in its favor. She moved over to her belongings once more and pulled a shirt of her own that she knew Natsuki had loved. She'd even stolen it regularly to sleep in when her own nightwear had been dirty. She folded it neatly and set it where the shirt she had taken had lay.

Once she'd accomplished that final task she gathered all her bags into her hands and left the apartment for what she knew to be the last time.

-

It had been three days since Shizuru had moved out. Or had it been four? Maybe five? Hell for all Natsuki knew it might have only been two days. But it felt like it had been so long. Every moment ticked by slowly and the only reprieve she could gain from each agony inducing second was through her work. But even that had not been a complete solution. There were some times that Natsuki had found she couldn't interact with her patients.

Every time she saw the way a couple would look at one another or how one partner would comfort their ill lover she felt the beginnings of tears prick behind her eyes. She'd managed to hide each instance so far but it was getting more and more difficult. To avoid breaking down in front of her patients or co-workers she'd assigned a few interns to give the patients updates and comfort.

In the meantime Natsuki kept herself behind the scenes. Studying the charts that her interns dutifully filled out. She would have preferred to have been doing it all herself but in the state she was in, Natsuki knew she was liable to make some mistakes. And she wasn't willing to jeopardize her patients.

For the most part she was able to push her grief back and keep her wits about her. It was only when she was around people that she fell apart. Every woman with honey brown hair or eyes similar to Shizuru's own would set her off. Even a Kyoto accent, uttered by both men and women nearly put her past her limits. But she'd been managing.

All she had to do was keep the act up and she'd be fine.

-

Shizuru knocked on the door to her family home and waited patiently for someone to answer. When the door swung forward to reveal an older version of herself, albeit with deep blue eyes, she was surprised. She had expected one of the servants to come to the door. After a moment of confused silence she spoke. "Hello Mama."

Her mother's stunned look morphed into an excited grin as she stepped forward and embraced her daughter with gusto. "Shizuru! Sweetheart, I had no idea you were coming! I'm so glad I stayed home tonight!"

Shizuru smiled and hugged her mother back. "I'm glad you are too Mama. I was sure you'd be out."

"Ah! Where are my manners? Come in sweetheart." Her mother stepped back from the door and ushered her daughter in. Once they were in and Shizuru had neatly discarded her shoes her mother took her hand and led her into the living room. "Can I get you anything dear? Something to drink? Tea perhaps?"

Shizuru's smile warmed a bit as she nodded. "Sure Mama. Tea would be nice." As her mother headed off to prepare the tea Shizuru spoke once more. "Would you like any help?"

Her mother waved her hand in the air to indicate her refusal. "You may be my daughter but you're still my guest Shizuru. And that means that you will have to wait here while I prepare the tea." Without another word her mother had flitted out of the room.

She looked around the room, noting the familiar traditional Japanese décor. It was the same as it had been since she had lived here so many years before. The house was specifically her mother's domain and though the woman was very traditional for the most part, she dropped most of her formalities with her close family. The only thing her mother would never change was the need to host all guests properly, and that included those guests who were related.

As she stepped forward and knelt on one of the cushions around the table she tried to focus on anything to keep her from her thoughts. But as hard as she tried, Shizuru found it hard to escape the reason she had appeared on her mother's doorstep without calling first. It wasn't something she really wanted to explain to her mother over the phone and she hadn't had time to visit her mother first to ask.

Those weren't the only reasons she hadn't tried to inform her mother about what had happened between Natsuki and herself. In truth, she had still been in a kind of denial over the whole thing. Going to the apartment earlier in the day had dispelled most of it but there was still a part of her that wanted to desperately cling to the falsity it preferred. It still felt that even though she had left the apartment she and Natsuki had shared, until she was officially living elsewhere it was final.

But it was final. She and Natsuki were…over. And along with that they no longer resided together. No matter how badly it would hurt, she had to ask her mother if she could stay with her. That finality had to set in. It didn't matter that she didn't want it to, that she wanted to shy away from it. Shizuru wasn't going to live a lie any longer. If only she'd been honest with herself before...Maybe then things with Natsuki would have worked out.

Shizuru's composure broke as she shook her head viciously. She wouldn't think about the 'what if's or the 'could have's. What was done was done. She would accept that.

There was a soft clanking as her mother set a cup down in front of her. Shizuru nearly yelped in surprise. She hadn't even noticed her mother coming. And considering how observant she normally was it said a lot for how out of sorts the last few days had made her. "Thank you Mama."

Her mother smiled warmly and rounded the table to kneel on a cushion across from Shizuru. "You're welcome dear. And now that we're all settled in with some tea, why don't you start telling me why it is you're here?"

Her lips curled into a weary smile. She took a moment and let her gaze fall onto the cup of tea in her hand. Though she tried to ignore it, Shizuru was all too aware of the part of her that was resisting this moment. The part that wanted to continue to hang on the past.

She forced her eyes upward to meet her mother's. As their gazes met she saw the understanding fill her mother's eyes and knew the all too familiar pain had flooded into her own. "I need a place to stay. I don't know for how long. Most likely a decent amount of time."

"You and Natsuki?" Her mother let the question hang in the air between them, knowing that Shizuru needed to state the reason aloud. The words had to be out there. They had to be made real to someone other than her and Natsuki.

"It's over." The words hung in the air between them and Shizuru couldn't help but think that they sounded foreign and wrong. But wrong or not, they were the truth. She took a sip and let the hot liquid burn a path through her body, welcoming the heat. She knew it wasn't rational but she felt cold, so cold inside. As though she had given up all the warm she'd held when she'd given up the woman she loved.

As she felt her thoughts begin their depressing cycle once more she forced herself to speak once more. "I ended it. I couldn't…I couldn't do it anymore. There were so many things…so much that I couldn't fix or…" She trailed off and looked at her mother will grief filled eyes.

Her mother stood and moved to seat herself next to her daughter. She clasped Shizuru's hand in her own and gave her a small, but sad smile. "I know sweetheart. You don't have to explain it to me. Not yet. And sometimes, you just can't put it in to words."

Initially, Shizuru had thought the hardest part would be saying that she and Natsuki were no longer together. But to explain it, to put the process of falling apart into words…that was the most difficult thing she could ever imagine. She barely even understood what had gone wrong herself and every time her thoughts went in that direction Shizuru never liked the result. So she left it alone. And she was grateful that her mother had understood that without her needing to explain it.

She sipped her tea again, feeling soothed by the warmth as it coursed through her again. For a while, she and her mother sat there silently, drinking their tea. Once they'd both finished their cups her mother reached over and laid her hand over her daughter's. "Shizuru. You can stay for as long as you need. Take it step by step and only progress when it feels right. Don't force yourself."

The words her mother said were filled with such certainty that Shizuru didn't doubt them as the best course of action. But for a moment, she could only wonder how her mother knew what to do. "Mama…did you and Papa…?"

Her mother shook her head, honey brown hair swaying. "No Shizuru. It was long before your Papa. And to this day I regret the way things ended between us. I love your father and I don't regret marrying him or having you." A sad smile crossed her mother's lips as she continued. "But a part of me will always love him. It's no longer an important part of me, but for a long time after he and I separated, it was. For a long time I couldn't figure out how to live without him. Nothing was the same. I was lucky to find your Papa. He filled the hole that relationship left. To this day, I wonder what would have happened to me without him."

With a long sigh her mother moved to stand and Shizuru stood with her. The older woman turned and took her daughter's hands in her own. "I know what you're going through Shizuru. And I know how hard it is. You may stay as long as you need to. Your room will always be here for you." Her mother gave her a warm smile. "And I'm sure it's been a long day for you so I'd recommend you get some sleep."

Shizuru returned her mother's smile and nodded. The day's events had been more than exhausting. All she wanted to do was fall into a bed and pass at least a few hours away in the oblivion of sleep.

She gave her mother a soft peck on the cheek then headed out to her car to get her things. As she reached down to open her car door she took a moment to enjoy the brisk night air as it swept around her. For that moment she felt soothed. She didn't have to think or feel anything but the wind and she revelled in the sensation.

The moment passed all too quickly as she remembered what she was doing. As she eyed all of her bags with distaste she decided to take in only what she needed for the night. The rest could, and would, wait until the next morning. She'd have enough of moving her possessions for the day.

In fact, Shizuru felt like she'd had enough of almost anything for the day. And she had a bad feeling that she'd feel very similarly about every day for a while.

-

Natsuki felt herself swaying and barely managed to catch herself on the receptionist's counter. Her vision blurred for a moment as her head spun and she couldn't help but curse under her breath. Her body had clearly met all of its limits and she was about to have no choice but to give into its demands.

Just as she was about to attempt walking once more the blue haired woman felt a hand grasp her elbow and pull her forward, supporting her weight in the process. Natsuki couldn't help but let out a shocked yelp, something that wouldn't have occurred if she was well-rested and at her normal mental capacity. In her current state of exhaustion she couldn't help but be annoyed with the person who'd grabbed her, even if she was well aware that it was irrational.

"What in the hell do you-" Natsuki cut herself off as she realized who was hauling her through the hall. "Oh…uh, hi there Mai. How are you?"

Mai glanced at her friend briefly, anger clear in her eyes. "Me? Well, I was having an alright day. A bit tired but overall quite nice. And then I hear from one of my colleagues that Dr. Kuga looks like death incarnate and that it was such a surprise one of her superiors hadn't sent her home. At first I thought they were mistaken because everyone who was called in was sent home since the shift change had just occurred. And since today is your day off I figured you'd take it to spend with Shizuru. But no you're here and you're-" Mai halted both her speech and her steps, catching Natsuki as she nearly fell forward. "Natsuki? Sweetheart you're crying. What's wrong? Is everything okay?"

Natsuki had tried as hard as she could to withhold her tears. But it always became that much harder for her to convince herself that she was fine when someone else was so clearly concerned. In spite of that added factor she'd still been managing to keep everything together. At least, until Mai mentioned the one person that had shot her emotional control into oblivion. She quickly wiped away the few tears that had begun to fall and forced a smile as she looked at her friend. "I'm fine Mai. Everything's okay."

The younger woman shook her head. "No Natsuki. You look like you've been dragged behind a horse for miles. And workaholic or not you would never push yourself this hard or for this long without a clear reason." Mai could see the defiant gleam in her friend's emerald eyes and knew she was about to receive a retort and said the only thing she knew would bring the other woman to her senses. "You're on the verge of being a danger to your patients Natsuki! If you can't take care of yourself do you truly believe you're capable of caring for others?"

Natsuki flinched and let out a defeated sigh. "You're right Mai. I'm sorry. I just…I was being selfish. I-" She squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lip. She could feel the flood of tears pressing at the backs of her eyes once more and this time she didn't think she'd be able to manage keeping them contained. "Can we…?" She trailed off as her throat became too tight for speech and instead settled for motioning towards the exit.

Being who she was, Mai caught on right away and began leading Natsuki out of the hospital, only stopping to grab their personal items. It wasn't long before Mai was helping Natsuki into the passenger's seat of her car. "Don't worry about your bike, I can either get Yuuichi to come grab it or I'll drive you to your next shift. I'm sure it will be alright until then."

Natsuki nodded. She hadn't really thought about her beloved bike. The thought of riding it didn't entice her as it usually did and she doubted it would induce the usual relaxing effect she garnered from it. On top of that Natsuki was well aware that she wouldn't be safe on the road in her condition.

She watched as Mai moved around the car and got behind the wheel. She didn't really pay attention as Mai started the engine and the car began to move but after a short while Natsuki realized that they were headed to her and Shiz- her apartment. "Mai…" Her voice came out as a weak imitation of what it normally was and appeared to be too low for her friend to hear. Her second attempt came out louder but strangled. Luckily it caught the other woman's attention.

"Natsuki? What's wrong?" The question didn't end up needing to be answered as Mai saw the tears running down her friend's cheeks. There were very few things that would be able to have such an immense effect on the blue haired woman. Considering all she'd seen Mai was fairly sure she knew what the issue was. After pulling over to the side of the road Mai glanced over at her friend before focusing on the rain soaked road in front of her. "Do you want to stay with me tonight? I'm sure I have some clothes that would fit you."

Natsuki nodded mutely and rubbed at her eyes furiously, doing what she could to dispel the tears. "Yeah…" her voice was shaky but the thought of being able to avoid returning to her empty apartment gave her enough relief that the overwhelming ache in her chest was controllable. "Thanks again Mai. I just…not yet."

The redhead nodded and smiled slightly. "I know. We'll talk about it when we've gotten to my apartment and we've warmed up." With that said the two lapsed into a heavy silence, neither willing to broach the issue at hand until it could be appropriately dealt with.

-

It was Shizuru's first day back at work since she and Natsuki had spilt up. At first she'd been amazed by how it felt the same. She would have thought that after something as life altering as walking away from the person you'd loved for years would have had a ripple effect through every facet of your life. But work was exactly the same as it had been the previous week.

Maybe it was because the relationship had come to an end long before either of them had been willing to admit it. For a long time Shizuru had felt like she was just going through the motions. In the end, it probably wasn't so surprising that she didn't feel as though her life had been turned upside down. In truth, it had been turned upside down a long time ago and she'd just pretended it hadn't been and that everything had still been fine.

She sighed and had just managed to immerse herself in her work once more when she was interrupted by her assistant's voice. "Ms. Fujino? There's a client on line one if you have the time to take it?"

Shizuru looked up from the paperwork spread across her desk and focused on the turquoise haired girl in front of her. "What is it they want Ms. Marguerite?"

"It's Mr. Jefferson." The girl frowned as she stumbled over the foreign name. "He's a past client of yours. I believe you aided him in getting acquitted in regards to a false charge of assault?"

The brunette's lips curved slightly. She remembered Mr. Jefferson well. The man had been entertaining, stubborn, and brutally honest, which had been why Shizuru had made an exception and defended the man. It was also due to these traits that she had allowed his flirtation to continue, though she'd made sure to let the man know she was taken. It seemed he had merely enjoyed the chase and the challenge she put up for the man had never seemed to grow annoyed or dispirited by her constant rebukes. "You can tell him he has an appointment for…" she trailed off as she checked her schedule. "Monday the 23rd at 2pm if finds it to be acceptable."

Her assistant disappeared and reappeared quickly. "Mr. Jefferson wanted me to let you know you have his gratitude and he'll be here at two sharp."

"Thank you very much." Shizuru gave her a polite smile and made to turn back to her papers before she realized the girl had something to say. "Yes Ms. Marguerite?"

The girl blushed and fiddled with her hair a moment before responding. "Well, I just…I wanted to make sure you're alright Ms. Fujino. You seem…distracted today."

Shizuru's eyes widened slightly in surprise. She thought she'd been hiding her emotions quite effectively but it seemed she was mistaken. "I see. I apologize for having worried you Ms. Marguerite. I'm just a bit disoriented from the move."

"I can see how that would be disorienting. It's difficult to make decisions such as the one you made Ms. Fujino." The girl brushed her hair back from her face and gave Shizuru her best comforting smile. "If you need anyone to talk to Ms. Fujino, I just want you to know I'm more than willing to listen. And from what people have told me, I'm fairly good listener."

For the second time that day Shizuru found herself taken aback by her assistant's words. It was very rare that anyone was ever able to see that there was something wrong let alone offered to rectify it. Only Natsuki- It took everything she had to refrain from allowing her internal pain at the thought of her to show on her features. She forced another polite smile and nodded. "Thank you Ms. Marguerite. I will be sure to keep your offer in mind."

The girl practically beamed in response and turned to make her way out of the office before halting. "One more thing Ms. Fujino," she paused, waiting until she received her employer's attention. "Just to remind you, you're more than welcome to call me Tomoe." And with that the girl exited the office and closed the door soundly behind her leaving Shizuru stunned yet again.

Shizuru frowned thoughtfully as she considered what had just occurred. After a moment she dismissed her musings and turned back to her work once more. But even as she dismissed her musings, Shizuru couldn't shake the feeling that her life was going to become much more complicated.

-

Natsuki stared out the rain streaked window at the street below where figures were milling back and forth across the street. Some were accompanied by friends and others were huddled in pairs to escape the onslaught. And some were alone. Just as Natsuki herself had been until Mai dragged her from the hospital. And though she had her friend was preparing coffee for the two of them in the other room, she couldn't help but feel as though she was alone.

She sighed and rubbed her hand over her face. She needed to move forward, to get past this. She couldn't let the loss of one woman destroy her entirely. People left. She should have been used to that. First her mother, however unwillingly, then her father, then the various people who had claimed to be friends, and now Shizuru. She should have expected it in the first place. But she hadn't. She hadn't because Shizuru had always been there. She'd become an extension of her own existence and somewhere along the way Natsuki had just started to assume Shizuru would be there. Always. No matter what. Forever. Terms she'd once promised to never use or believe in. Words Shizuru had made a reality. Until now.

So Natsuki would do what she'd always done. She'd try to block it out, move on. Try to convince herself that the deep ache in her chest was nothing, that the loss of someone she'd loved was bearable. And that she wasn't slowly falling apart.

Natsuki felt Mai's presence as she entered the room more than she heard it. The sound of her thoughts was so loud that sometimes she felt like she couldn't hear anything. She pushed those thoughts back and gave her concerned friend a tight smile as she set down the two cups.

"I wasn't sure but if I remember correctly you like your coffee black with a bit of sugar. If not I can always get you something else?" Mai gave Natsuki an unsure glance as she let her voice trail off.

Natsuki shook her head and tried smiling again. At Mai's arched looked Natsuki gave up with the smiling as she realized just how forced it probably looked. "No Mai, you got it right."

Mai smiled slightly, pulling it off much better than Natsuki could and sat in front of one of the two cups. She waited for Natsuki to sit across from her before she spoke. "Natsuki…You don't have to talk about it but…maybe it would help?"

Natsuki refrained from scoffing at the word 'help'. It wasn't Mai's fault that Natsuki felt far beyond help. And though she could be blunt and sometimes downright rude, Natsuki wasn't nasty enough to return a friend's consideration with undeserved animosity. For all of her help and the lengths she'd gone to in an attempt to make Natsuki's current situation less painful, Mai deserved some sort of explanation. It took a few moments pause to steel her emotions enough to come up with an understandable explanation. "Shizuru…she left last night." She paused before continuing, finding that she needed to compose herself once again. "She's not coming back Mai. It's over. She's done with me."

As she spoke the other woman's brilliant purple eyes widened and filled with shock. "Shizuru left? Did she say why?"

Natsuki rubbed her hands over her face and shook her head. "Sort of. But over all I didn't really understand what she was saying. I was too busy trying not to fall apart in front of her."

"Would that have been so bad?"

Out of all the things the blue haired woman had expected to hear, those words were not among them. Confusion filled her eyes as Natsuki tried to find an answer for Mai's question. After some floundering she gave up trying to think of something to say. There was nothing that she could say in response to a question she couldn't understand. "What do you mean?"

"If you had broken down in front of Shizuru…what were the consequences that you saw as being so bad?" Mai's voice was gentle but Natsuki could hear the steel underneath. There was something in her question that she wanted the blue haired woman to grasp and Natsuki knew from experience that failing to do so would not be found acceptable.

If she had been talking to anyone else, Natsuki would have responded derisively, pointing out that it was none of their business. But in a way, this was Mai's business. They'd been friends for years. Mai had been there for her in spite of being constantly given next to no encouragement. Relationships were meant to be a two way street right? And friendships were technically still relationships without the romantic aspect. In the face of one of her two most important relationships having crumbled around her, Natsuki saw the option to either damage the other or strengthen it.

As Mai's eyes bored into her own Natsuki saw a wisdom that she'd never seen before. Over the years her friend had matured and gained more and more knowledge. If anyone could be trusted to understand who she was, it would be Mai. So Natsuki took a deep breath and finally admitted the truth she'd been so determined to keep hidden. "I was afraid that Shizuru would see who I really was beneath it all. And that who I really am wouldn't be the woman she'd fallen in love with…"

Mai remained silent, waiting for Natsuki to elaborate. Initially Natsuki hadn't thought she had any more to say, but suddenly she began to fill the silence with more of her feelings. "I didn't want to see the day that Shizuru would look at me and be disappointed by who she'd chosen to spend her life with."

Silence reigned once more but this time it was Mai who broke it. "And who are you really Natsuki?"

Natsuki couldn't look at her friend anymore and instead fixated her gaze on the dark liquid in her mug. She opened her mouth to speak and found she couldn't force the words out. When she tried again, her voice was faint and shaky. "Not good enough."

Three simple words. In three simple words, Natsuki's greatest fear was revealed for the first time. She'd kept it hidden for so long and over the years it had only become more frightening and more profound. And in a few mere seconds it was out in the air. The reason that she'd never wanted to fall in love, never wanted to be with someone, never wanted to let anyone close. Underneath it all Natsuki was always afraid that once people got in and saw underneath her exterior, they would define her core as being unworthy. That was the only explanation she'd ever seen for why everyone she loved left. When something happened that many times, you couldn't blame the external factors. She was the problem. She would never be good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is Chapter two. These first few chapters will be updated fairly quickly since they've already been written and posted elsewhere. My apologies for any spelling or grammar errors. It's rather late and I did a pretty crappy job looking over it.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed. In spite of all the angst. Seriously...so angsty. I never meant for all this angst. Ah well.


	3. So Many Things I Shouldn't Have Missed

After her painful admission Mai had given her a loving smile and a look filled with empathy. But rather than say anything, she had given Natsuki the chance to decide where to go from there. And for that Natsuki had been grateful. She may have been able to admit her fears but she was far from ready to talk about them. So she had changed the subject and Mai had followed along.

That conversation set the premise for how Mai treated Natsuki during her difficult transition from life with Shizuru to life without. She gave Natsuki all the space she required and the blue haired woman knew that whenever she felt ready to talk about what she was going through in depth, Mai would be there to listen.

The only time Mai ever stepped in was the morning after Natsuki had broken down and made her confession. The red head had made them breakfast and coffee and had watched as Natsuki downed the coffee and picked at her food.

After witnessing the state Natsuki’s eating habits had fallen to Mai stood up and lectured Natsuki for all she was worth, not halting her tirade until she got a timid promise that the blue haired woman would start making an effort to take care of herself.

From that point on Mai started bringing Natsuki food whenever she knew they would be working at the same time. And true to her promise, Natsuki made herself eat, even though her appetite was non-existent.

Even when Mai wasn’t around Natsuki made an effort to eat. Breakfast tended to be out of the question though. She’d never been much of a breakfast person and the only reason she’d ever eaten the meal had been because Shizuru was an avid supporter of the morning meal. Now that only served as a painful reminder that made the meal unbearable.

But when it came to lunch and dinner Natsuki did her best. Eating wasn’t the only thing she had to work on however. Unfortunately it seemed her biggest issue was her nearly constant exhaustion. No matter how hard she tried she could barely pull off a few hours every night. Getting to sleep in the first place was hell. Thoughts would whirl and pester her until the early hours of the morning then, if she was lucky enough to fall asleep at all, she was usually woken by nightmares she could never remember.

That became her routine. Try to sleep, wake up, go to work, try to eat, work some more, go home, eat again, try to sleep, and repeat. As far as routines went, it wasn’t bad. And if Natsuki hadn’t been so exhausted she would have been on the verge of going mental.

Though Natsuki wasn’t entirely sure she hadn’t already gone mental. As it was, she could barely stand being in her apartment. Sometimes, when she would let her mind wander, she would replay the days when things between her and Shizuru had been perfect. During those times she would feel positive for just a few moments that everything was fine and that Shizuru would be coming back any moment. And it scared her that she was so close to being able to delude herself and twist reality.

To avoid these events Natsuki spent as much of her time as possible at the hospital, taking cat naps now and then to avoid the scene Mai had witnessed before. She was tired yes but she wasn’t on the verge of collapsing. It wasn’t much of an improvement, but it was all Natsuki could manage.

At the very least it was some sort of progress and it helped her believe that maybe one day, everything would be okay again. 

-

Shizuru rubbed her temples and felt a strong urge to curse just to get it out of her system. Instead she sighed, not wanting to use crass language. Also it wouldn’t be very professional of her to use such words while in the middle of her office, waiting for a client to arrive. It had been her first day back at work since she and Natsuki had separated and needless to say, it wasn’t going even remotely well.

She quickly glanced at the clock on the wall to her left and refrained from giving into her urge to wince. There were still three hours to go before the time she would normally leave. And in those three hours she had two more appointments. The only positive was that one of her appointments was Mr. Jefferson and he was always a pleasure to talk with, no matter what his reason for needing her services was.

And she was relieved to realize that he was her next appointment and was due to arrive in less than ten minutes. She looked down at her desk and took note of the mess of papers spread over it. It wouldn’t do to have a client arrive and see her office in such a state. 

Shizuru stood and began replacing the vast array of papers she’d been looking at since her last appointment into their proper folders. Once she had them all organized she carefully replaced them in the filing cabinet that was placed against the wall behind her desk. It didn’t take her long to tidy everything up so she decided to put on a pot of fresh coffee, remembering how much Mr. Jefferson enjoyed drinking the beverage while they talked.

While she waited for the coffee to brew she stood in front of the small counter that was tucked into the corner of her office and tried to absorb herself in watching the brown liquid rise in the pot. She comforted herself with the knowledge that Mr. Jefferson would be arriving any moment. 

Unfortunately it seemed that her thoughts had a different plan, and for the first time during her very long day she thought of Natsuki.

Shizuru let her eyes slide closed as she envisioned the younger woman. If she let herself be honest, she would admit that she missed the blue-haired woman more than she could comprehend. She felt as though a large, integral part of herself was missing. And she knew the only way to regain it would be to have Natsuki back.

Every moment away from Natsuki was a moment Shizuru regretted. But at the same time, she couldn’t take back the decision she made. Because even though she couldn’t stand to be without Natsuki, she knew she could no longer stand to be with her any longer. She couldn’t force Natsuki to keep up her end of a relationship that she so clearly didn’t want to be in.

Shizuru knew all these things, but she still wished that it all could have gone differently.

She felt tears begin to prick the backs of her eyes and sighed. She’d thought that she’d be out of tears by now. One would assume that there would be a limit to how much one person could cry, but it seemed that person would be wrong. Shizuru could no longer keep count of how many times she’d felt tears stream down her cheeks and she could no longer tell if the ache that had pervaded most of her body was from sobbing or from exhaustion. 

She took a deep breath and tried to steel herself. The last thing she wanted was to begin crying at work. It wouldn’t do to see a client with swollen eyes and a blotchy complexion.

Just as she was sure she was going to lose the fight against her emotions there was a knock at her door. “Ms. Fujino? Mr. Jefferson is here.”

Shizuru’s intense urge to cry suddenly dissipated as she remembered that her assistant still hadn’t figured out how to intercom her. Overall Ms. Marguerite was a very competent assistant but her inability to manage the intercom system always entertained Shizuru. A small smile quirked her lips as she responded. “Send him in Ms. Marguerite.”

As the door opened Shizuru turned towards it to come face to face with one of her favorite clients. She held out her hand and smiled as he took in his own, much larger one.  
Mr. Jefferson squeezed her hand with a strong grip and gave her a beaming smile. “Shizuru! It’s a pleasure to see you again!”

Shizuru’s eyebrows nearly rose at his familiarity before she fully comprehended who she was dealing with. As a foreigner, Mr. Jefferson didn’t feel bound by their courtesies. In fact, it was very rare that he even remembered them. “It’s a pleasure to see you again as well Mr. Jefferson.”

As expected, Mr. Jefferson’s brows furrowed at the more formal title. “Come on now Shizuru. No need for such things. I was sure we were passed this. Just call me Nicholas.”

A soft laugh bubbled forth, surprising Shizuru. She hadn’t really laughed in a very long time. It was wonderful to be able to do so once more with such ease. She smiled warmly and led the man to the seat in front of her desk. “Of course. You have my apologies Nicholas. Now, before we get started, would you like some coffee?”

Nicholas brightened up like a small boy being offered some candy. “I would love some. Thank you very much Shizuru.” He watched as she pulled two mugs off of the small rack near the coffee maker and began pouring the coffee into them. His eyes lit up with a mix of joy and amusement as he saw the light on the coffee maker that indicated it had just recently finished brewing. “Would it be rude of me to presume that you remembered my love of coffee and were kind enough to prepare it especially for my arrival?”

Shizuru turned and surveyed the blond haired man with surprise before following his gaze to the coffee maker. Upon seeing what he’d focused on she laughed and gave him a teasing glance. “Perhaps it would be Mr. Jefferson. But we’ll let it slide this once.” She waited until he’d stopped laughing to speak once more. “Do you still take it black?”

The blond man nodded and grinned. “Your coffee doesn’t need any additives Ms. Fujino. I’m not sure if it’s merely the brand you use or if it’s the way you make it. You’ll have to let me know your secret.”  
Shizuru smiled and handed the man his mug before rounding the table and taking her own seat. “Now, since I’m fairly certain that you’re not here for my coffee brewing skills I figure we should get to business?”

Nicholas’s smile didn’t fade but his hazel eyes took on a more serious glint. He sighed and took a sip of his drink before he started to speak. “Do you remember why I came to you the last time?”

“Yes.” Shizuru nodded as she recalled all of the details. “Didn’t your ex-wife charge you with domestic abuse and attempted murder?”

Nicholas nodded. “And thanks to you I didn’t go to jail. I owe you more for that than I can say.”

“You don’t owe me anything Nicholas.” Shizuru studied the man in front of her. There was a new tension in his features and a visible weariness in the way he was holding himself. She couldn’t help but want to make things easier on him. She knew from experience that Nicholas Jefferson was a good man. And from similar experience she knew that his wife was quite the opposite. She’d always wondered how the two had ended up together. “You came to me and offered to pay more than my customary price. You followed my directions and we were able to prove your innocence. I did no more than bring the truth to light.”

He chuckled wryly and shook his head. “No Shizuru. You did much more than that. You’re right on one count though, I did come to you, asking for your expertise and I did pay more than you requested. But what I didn’t pay for was what really mattered. You believed me. You were the only one who did. I owe you for that.”

A warm smile curved Shizuru’s lips as she shook her head. “You don’t owe me Nicholas. I didn’t choose to believe you. The truth was in the facts. I knew you were innocent from the start.”

“You’re far too humble Shizuru. But for now, we can let that go. I’ve had my chance to say what I wanted to say.” He gave her a soft smile before he pushed his fingers through his well-groomed hair, mussing the waves slightly. “But that’s not the only reason I’m here.”

Silence reigned for a few longs moments and Shizuru made no move to break it. She knew that whatever Nicholas had come to say was hard for him. He was a proud man and for him to be asking for help from someone else was no small thing. So she waited.

“It seems my ex-wife has found a new man. Unfortunately for her, this time she actually did choose someone who beats her. If I was the soulless beast she’d painted me to be in court I’d find the irony of this to be quite humorous.”  
Shizuru took this in with a calm demeanour. She was almost positive she knew what was coming next but once again, she waited for him to speak.

“Rather than keeping quiet about it she’s decided that it’s the perfect time to try to charge me with the assault.” He stopped speaking long enough to sweep his hand over his face then continued. “And even though I’m sure it won’t actually amount to anything, I know it’ll end up in court.” 

It took Shizuru a moment to clue in to what Nicholas was referencing. The first time around Nicholas’s case should have been simple. There had been little to no actual evidence against him. But instead, things had slowly escalated and new witnesses had been repeatedly brought in, all to speak in his ex-wife’s favour. It wasn’t until the trial had ended and Nicholas had been found guilty that they’d found the reason why. Nicholas’s ex-wife had family in the judicial system on almost every level. In particular, her uncle was a high ranking police officer.

As Nicholas looked at her quizzically Shizuru nodded to indicate that she remembered. “Have you been served any papers or brought in by the police yet?”

A few pieces of sandy blond hair fell into his face as he shook his head. Half way through the movement he froze. “I apologize, I completely forgot. I got a call from a detective asking me if I’d be willing to speak with him. I’m assuming that they didn’t have enough evidence to actually arrest me so that seems to be the extent of what they feel like accomplishing for now.”

“I see. Have you said anything particular to him yet?”

Nicholas gave her a wan smile. “No. I actually remembered something you said to me last time about not being so trusting. I told him I needed to speak with my lawyer first and that I’d get back to him once I’d done so.”

“Perfect.” Shizuru’s smile wasn’t much better than Nicolas’s but she tried. They sat in silence for a moment before Shizuru offered to be at the meeting with the detective and they arranged a date for her to prep him on what to say.

Once their business was done Shizuru expected Nicholas to rise and leave. But she wasn’t surprised when he didn’t. He’d always been very friendly and she was used to him staying to chat about simple, everyday things.

Nicholas was silent for a long moment before he cleared his throat and leaned forward, settling his elbows on the edge of her desk. “May I ask you a personal question Shizuru?”

Shizuru’s brows rose as she wondered about what the man might wish to ask. It was very rare that Nicholas would be so polite and formal and when he was it usually indicated that he was very serious. For a moment her stomach twisted with  
anxiety. She couldn’t help but hope that he wasn’t suddenly going to turn his innocent flirting into something serious.

She quickly dismissed such a thought as ridiculous. As far as he knew, she was still involved with someone. Her brows furrowed as she became concerned. She leaned forward as well as she responded to the man in front of her. “Of course you may Nicholas.”

“I don’t mean to be intrusive but…” He trailed off for a moment, seemingly trying to choose the best words to phrase his question. “Are you alright? I don’t mean to imply anything but you aren’t looking as well as you usually do.”

Stunned silence was all Shizuru could manage at first. Out of all of the possible things for the man to ask her, a concern for her well-being was the furthest thing from anything that she’d imagined. “I…” She attempted to say something but found she had nothing to say. After a moment she tried once more with the only thing her mind could manage. “I…I think I am. Or at least, I think I will be. I’m sorry for being so unprofessional. I’d meant to leave my personal troubles outside of my work.”

Nicholas reached over the desk and took one of Shizuru’s hands in his own. “Don’t be silly Shizuru. You’re just as professional as ever. I’d like to think I know you a little better than your average client. That’s the only reason I even noticed anything. You needn’t worry about professionalism with me Shizuru.”

As she turned her gaze from their joined hands to meet his she saw the sincerity in his eyes and understood the offer of friendship he had put forward. She smiled warmly and nodded. “Likewise, you needn’t worry about such things with me either.”

Nicholas absorbed her words and identified her acceptance in them. As he did so his eyes lit up and he gave her his usual beaming smile for the first time since he’d entered the room. In spite of his smile however, his eyes continued to contain a serious glint. “Just so you know Shizuru, if you ever need to talk, about anything, I’m more than willing to listen.”

Shizuru thanked him for his consideration and followed his lead as he stood to leave. Just as he settled his hand on the knob something occurred to her. “Nicholas.” She waited to be sure she had his attention before continuing. “We never discussed payment.”

“Oh!” Nicholas rubbed the back of his neck and gave her a sheepish grin. “I’m sorry Shizuru. I’d planned to pay you the same amount as last time. I just forgot to tell you.”

“Hmm, I don’t think that will be allowable.” She smiled as Nicholas’s features twisted in confusion. “I’m afraid you’ll have to accept a discounted rate. I’d insist you allow me to lend you my services for free but knowing you, I didn’t think that would be alright.”

Nicholas’s confusion turned to shock and he shook his head emphatically. “Not a chance Shizuru. I can’t allow you to accept any less than your normal rate.”

Shizuru gave him an innocent smile and set her hand on her arm. “I’d like to think we’re friends Nicholas.” She paused and waited for him to agree before smirking and continuing. “And I just don’t feel right accepting that much money from a friend.”

“What…?” Nicholas merely gaped at her for a few moments before he burst into laughter. “Jesus Shizuru, you really know how to talk someone into a corner. It’s no wonder you’ve made a name for yourself.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. Thank you, Nicholas. And please do let me know if anything comes up.” 

Nicholas opened the door and stepped through before looking over his shoulder and giving her a warm smile. “Will do Shizuru. I’ll be seeing you soon.”

She watched as she left and was about to close the door when she noticed Ms. Marguerite glaring at Nicholas’s back as she left. Before the dark cyan-haired woman saw her watching she gently closed the door to her office. For a moment she was tempted to assess her assistant’s actions. But as she looked at the clock and saw the time she decided getting her work done would be more productive. And more importantly, less difficult.

-

Natsuki sat in one of the hospitals waiting rooms, staring out the window into the dark. She’d been here for sixteen hours and they were finally telling her to go home to get as much sleep as she could before coming back early the next morning. 

That was usually how it went. Someone eventually noticed that Natsuki had been at the hospital too long for it to be healthy and then they would always tell her to go home to sleep. It had finally gotten to the point where it was understood that Natsuki wouldn’t leave of her own volition. But no one, no one but Natsuki herself, knew why she was so averse to going home.

As far as she was concerned ‘home’ just wasn’t home anymore. Not without her. Not without Shizuru. Natsuki couldn’t help the flinch that crossed her features. How pathetic. She couldn’t even think about the woman without exhibiting physical reactions to her emotional pain. With a nearly inaudible groan Natsuki slumped forward and rested her face in her hands.

She stayed like that for a long time, not noticing what was going around her in the slightest. There was a potent possibility that the blue-haired woman wouldn’t have reacted even if the hospital were to begin coming down around her. Rest assured it wasn’t because Natsuki was suicidal. She was too stubborn to ever give into her depression to the extent where she would intentionally end her life, but she had finally reached the point where she wasn’t sure she cared to fight against  
fate. If some force out there, be it some sort of god or just nature itself, wanted her dead she didn’t intend to put up that much of a fight. She just didn’t have the will for it anymore. Not without her.

A dry sob was forcibly shoved down. Natsuki’s unrelenting resistance to showing her emotions was still in place even after all that had happened. It was the same resistance that had… No. Natsuki would not let herself go down that road, not again. What was done was done. And this was one of those times where there was no going back.

“I swear you could be the poster child for depressed workaholics everywhere.”

If Natsuki had had the energy she was sure she would have fallen out of her seat from the shock of the peppy voice that had come out of nowhere. She turned her head slightly so that she could glare at her friend out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah well you could be the poster child for a pain in the ass Mai.”

Mai laughed and took a seat beside her friend, adjusting in an attempt to make the hard plastic comfortable. She eventually accepted that it was futile and frowned. “How in the world can you sit in these stupid things for so long and not have some sort of chronic pain?”

The corner of Natsuki’s mouth twitched slightly and she shrugged her shoulders. “Ever thought that maybe you’re just a wimp?”

Mai narrowed her eyes. “Now, now, no need to be a jerk about it.” She shook her head as if trying to refocus her thoughts then proceeded to give Natsuki a thorough once over taking in everything from the dark shadows under Natsuki’s eyes that never seemed to vanish to the tense set of her body. “You look like you could use a break.”

“If I didn’t know you better Mai, I’d accuse you of checking me out, and that would just be uncomfortable.” The blue-haired girl forced a quick grin that would have looked natural to anyone who didn’t know her. Unfortunately for her, Mai did know her and as a result the attempt was met with a deep frown and a continuation of her friend’s questioning look. She knew that if she didn’t give Mai some sort of response the woman would either remain silent, watching her with those intent violet eyes or she would repeat the question only to accompany it with a light punch to her shoulder. 

With no choice but to give some sort of honest response she pushed her hand through her hair and closed her eyes and for the first time in weeks paid attention to how she was feeling. Once again she was overwhelmed by the torrent of feelings and the confusion of what as well as how much she should say. 

For so long she’d barely revealed anything to anyone. Then Shizuru had broken down her walls bit by bit. And though they were back in place they weren’t what they had once been. There were chips and cracks that those who knew her could use to wiggle their ways in. People like Mai. And normally, Natsuki would put up a decent fight before they got the information they wanted but today, Natsuki just couldn’t bring herself to care if she completely fell apart. So instead of carefully monitoring what she was feeling as she usually did, Natsuki just said the first thing that came to her mind. “If by break you mean a second chance, then yeah Mai, I desperately do. But there isn’t one and I still haven’t figured out what the fuck I’m doing. And it’s seems that no matter how damn hard I try to let go, or move on, I get nowhere. I can’t be who I was when I was with her because without her, that person can’t exist and I can’t be who I was before her because I was driven by an anger that I no longer have. Now I can’t figure out where I go from here and I’m so tired of trying to.”

To Mai’s credit she took the barrage of words in stride and pursed her lips as her brow furrowed in thought. “I think…” Mai paused and focused her gaze on Natsuki’s, letting all the concern and sadness she felt on her friend’s behalf shine in her eyes. “I think that your first step is to decide where you want to go from here. Obviously being depressed and moping around isn’t doing it for you. So figure out what would, focus on the things that make you who you are.”

A long sigh escaped Natsuki and she looked at Mai with hooded eyes. “Decide where I want to go huh?” A bitter smile twisted her lips and she shook her head. “What do I do if I don’t know what I want?”  
Mai took Natsuki’s hand in her own, getting the other woman’s attention in the process. “You don’t have to figure it out right away." 

“What if…” Natsuki’s voice trembled ever so slightly and she paused to regain her composure. “What if I find out that the only thing I want is the one thing I can’t have?”

Mai knew what Natsuki was talking about without having to ask. In their current situation it was fairly obvious what that one thing might be. “After all is said and done and she’d still all you want…” She waited for Natsuki’s emerald gaze to meet her own then continued. “Then you find a way to get her back.”

A weak chuckle escaped the blue haired woman and she shook her head. “You make it sound so easy Mai. And I wish that it was. That I could simply get Shizuru back and have everything be perfect again. But Shizuru…she ended it for a reason. And I can’t fault her for that. She deserved better.”

Mai snorted. “Bullshit Kuga. Shizuru chose you once and if she chose you before, she can choose you again. But that’s beside the point. First you have to start contemplating your options.” The red head tiled her head and gave Natsuki a crooked smile. “And it seems you’ve already singled out one of them.”

Natsuki remained silent for a long moment, processing Mai’s words. “I suppose you’re right Mai.” Her words trailed off and she heaved a sigh as she leaned back into the hard plastic. “So what do you recommend I do?”

A warm smile curved Mai’s lips as she saw her friends open expression. It was rare that Natsuki would ask anyone for help and Mai felt honored that her friend was asking her. “Start living again Natsuki. Things can’t get better if you make them stay the same. Have you done anything different at all since you and Shizuru broke up?”

Natsuki sat in silence as she thought about the time she’d spent since Shizuru had left. It hadn’t been overly long but Mai had touched upon the key thing. She hadn’t changed anything since Shizuru had left. She was still doing the same things, keeping a similar schedule. It was almost as though nothing had changed and that maybe, any moment, Shizuru would come back and they’d have another one of the tense, awkward conversations they’d been having for the last month or so of their relationship. “No. Unless you count working more hours and the absence of Shizuru’s things, it’s almost as though nothing has changed.”

“So start there. When you get home, change something. Be it your routine, your appearance, or even a room in your house. And then keep changing things and do it until you feel comfortable and like you’re making progress.” Mai smiled sympathetically. “It’s not the answer to everything but maybe somewhere along the way, you’ll make the change that you need to figure out the next step.”

“Yeah. Maybe I will.” Natsuki smiled weakly and stood, stretching out as she did so. “And I’m thinking that I should put that into play now and switch things up by actually heading home without being dragged out of the hospital first.”

The instant Mai saw the grin curving Natsuki’s lips she gave an internal sigh of relief. She knew that there was no direct solution and that Natsuki was far from being okay, but she was beginning to see more and more of her old friend. And she couldn’t help but be delighted that the blue haired woman was opening up more and more. She was beginning to think that things really would work out for the best in the end.

-

Mai frowned as she entered her apartment. It was still fairly early in the afternoon and she had no idea what to do. Normally she would have called her boyfriend and gotten him to entertain her. But unfortunately for her, he was out of town on another business trip. She didn’t really mind that he was away but she wasn’t really fond of being alone.

Once she put her things away she wandered her house trying to find something to do. She’d already cleaned the house that weekend and there was nothing to tidy and she knew that she didn’t need to make dinner since there were left overs in the fridge. At this point she would be calling Natsuki and pestering her to come over but Natsuki was still at work. She was about to let out a frustrated groan when there was a loud knock at her door.

She blinked and stared at the door in shock for a few longs moments, wondering who it could be. In spite of being a very social person, there were very few people who actually knew where she lived. She ran through a quick mental list of who it could be and still couldn’t come to a conclusion.

Another quick rap on the door scattered her musings and she moved forward to answer it. Upon opening the door she saw two familiar faces that she hadn’t seen in quite a while. “Yukino! Haruka! Hello.”

Yukino gave her a serene smile while Haruka replied with a quick grin. “Hey Mai. Mind if we come in?”

Mai beamed and stepped back, ushering her old friends in. “Do you guys want anything to eat or drink?”

This time it was Yukino who spoke. “That would be wonderful Mai. But would you mind if I go and prepare it? Haruka’s been impatient about coming to see you all day and I’m doubtful that she’d be willing to wait much longer to get her answers.”

“Sure.” Mai gave the brunette an easy smile. “Everything is still where it was last time you were here. If you need help finding anything just give me a shout.”

Yukino nodded and set off for the kitchen. Once she was gone Haruka launched her assault. “What in the world happened Mai? That fool has gone marbles!”

Violet eyes widened in confusion and Mai merely stared at the blond woman as she tried to understand what ‘going marbles’ meant. Finally she realized that Haruka had mixed ‘going nuts’ and ‘losing marbles’ together. Next she tackled the question of who the ‘fool’ was. “Who’s gone crazy?”

Haruka gave Mai a condescending look then sighed. “Shizuru.”

“Oh!” For a second Mai felt silly for not having figured that out. Whenever Haruka began talking about some ‘fool’ or ‘buffoon’ without indicating who it was, she usually did mean Shizuru. She no longer really meant the insults the way she had when they were all younger though. Now her insults equalled a strange form of endearment. 

“So Shizuru’s gone crazy?” The red head waited for confirmation that came in the form of a brusque nod. “Do you know why?”

Haruka’s features contorted into a mixture of impatience and frustration. She met Mai’s gaze with her own and the other woman recognized the worry that swirled in the blond’s eyes. Haruka was clearly very concerned about Shizuru. “No. That’s why Yukino and I came here. We thought you might know because you and Natsuki work together.”

Mai couldn’t help but give Haruka a disbelieving look. “And you thought she’d tell me any more than Shizuru would tell you?” Mai laughed as Haruka absorbed what she said and groaned as she agreed with her pronouncement. “Then again, Natsuki’s started opening up just a little more since it happened. She’s not taking their break up very well. But who would?”

Unbeknownst to the red head the woman across from her paid no attention to her last sentence. Instead her face went completely blank as she tried to comprehend the possibility of what her friend had said. “Shizuru…and Natsuki…broke up?”

As the words came out of the blond’s mouth Yukino entered the room. Her reaction was nearly the same as her partner’s and she gasped. “That’s what’s going on? I…I would never have even guessed. I mean…Natsuki and Shizuru…they…” The brunette trailed off and quickly set down the tray that held three cups of hot tea she’d brought in before slumping down beside Haruka.

Mai began to speak only to be interrupted by Haruka as she slammed her hands down on the table. “There is no way that’s possible! Why the hell would Natsuki break up with Shizuru? They were so…they were supposed to be together forever!”

A sad smile graced Mai’s features as she gave the two women in front of her a sympathetic stare. “I know what you mean. That was exactly what I was thinking when Natsuki told me. But…” She sighed and accepted the cup that Yukino passed her, uttering a quick ‘thank you’. “But, as hard as it is to believe, Natsuki didn’t break up with Shizuru.”

Haruka merely looked confused at Mai’s words, completely missing their meaning. Yukino however, understood immediately and shook her head in disbelief. “There’s no way…”

“No…way…? I don’t understand.”

“What I mean Haruka, is that it wasn’t Natsuki’s choice.” Mai met Haruka’s overwhelmed gaze and reached out, patting her hand before she proceeded to make her previous statement clear. “It was Shizuru that left.”

A tense silence fell over the three of them, each woman separately mulling over the same thing. They’d all considered Natsuki and Shizuru’s relationship to be solid and the closest possible thing to perfect. The thought of them breaking up had never occurred to any of them. And to be faced with that reality was frightening.

Eventually Yukino uttered the question that they all wanted answered. “Why? Why did Shizuru do it? She loves Natsuki more than anything. I can’t imagine…I can’t even comprehend any sort of reason that would ever make her walk away from what they have…I mean…” Yukino bit her lip before she forced out a correction. “I mean what they had.”

Mai bit her lip. “To be honest, I have no idea either. When I asked Natsuki she said she hadn’t understood whether there was a reason or not. And I think the last thing on her mind was asking. To be honest, I don’t think Natsuki even wanted to know.”

“So that’s it? They’re just…over?” Haruka shook her head and looked at the red head in disbelief. “Natsuki’s just going to let it end?”

“I don’t think it’s as simple as that Haruka.” Mai pushed back a strand of hair that fell into her face as she gave the blond a look that pleaded for her to understand. “Natsuki isn’t…she’s not doing that well on a personal level. Shizuru leaving solidified all of her issues for her. Even if she wanted to make Shizuru stay, I don’t think she would have allowed herself. She seems to be sure that Shizuru deserves better than she can give her.”

Haruka scoffed and shook her head again. “Idiot.”

“No, I don’t think so Haruka.” Yukino’s soft voice was full of quiet understanding. “I remember feeling that way. It’s not something you choose and it’s something you have to come to terms with. But for someone like Natsuki, who doesn’t like to share their feelings, that would be impossible. You can’t do it on your own.”

Haruka made a noise between a groan and a sigh. “Okay, so maybe it was unavoidable. But what do we do now? Do we just stand back and watch them fall to pieces? Or do we step in and try to fix things?”

“I think…” Mai paused as she tried to put all of her recent thoughts on the subject into a condensed form. “I think that we should just stand by for now and see what happens. If the both of them are able to move on to better things we’ll let them. But if they keep going downhill…”

Haruka grinned and picked up where Mai left off. “Then we get to step in.”

As she saw the calculating determination in the other two women’s eyes Yukino couldn’t help but sigh. Though letting them intervene wouldn’t be her favorite method of action, Yukino was willing to do anything so long as her two friends could be happy in the end. And she knew that for better or worse, that was what Mai and Haruka wanted too. That meant that no matter what, she would support them and hope for the best.

-

Natsuki woke up panting, cold sweat coating her body. She wasn’t sure what she had dreamt about but she could still she the vivid image of Shizuru with tears streaming down her face and a look of hatred in her eyes. Just that moment of the dreams and the feelings that had surrounded it were enough to leave her unwilling to even attempt sleeping again. 

She pushed her hair back over her shoulder and glanced at the clock on the bedside table and internally winced as she saw the time. The brilliant blue numbers informed Natsuki that it was just past four in the morning. Even if she had been willing to attempt sleep once more, Natsuki knew it would have been a worthless pursuit. It would have taken her at least half an hour to relax enough to sleep and since she had to wake up at roughly five thirty the amount of sleep she’d get in the end wouldn’t be worthwhile.

Not that sleep had been all that worthwhile in recent days. She’d been plagued by surges of insomnia that kept her up until the wee hours of the morning and on top of that she’d been constantly waking up throughout the night. At the rate she was going Natsuki was fairly sure she was running the risk of passing out from exhaustion at work. That would only add to her problems. She didn’t need all of her co-workers fussing over her. It was best that everyone kept on believing she was fine. Not only would it prevent them from worrying but it also allowed Natsuki to avoid facing the truth.

She swung her legs off the bed and stood, grimacing as the room spun. Spinning rooms were never a good sign. Neither was the dull pain in her stomach. Natsuki sighed and headed for the kitchen. It was still too early for her to want to take a shower and she was still too exhausted to care about her hygiene. So coffee it was.

As she waited for her coffee maker to finish brewing Natsuki leaned against the counter and let herself enjoy the sleepy haze that drifted through her mind. The exhaustion was nice in a way. It kept her from really being able to think about more than one thing at a time. That was probably why work had become so important to her. While she was there, she could only think of her patients. They were her focus, and in the state her mind was in, that made them the center of her world at whatever that particular moment was.

In spite of her reliance on the side effects of her exhaustion and most likely her malnutrition there was a part of her that couldn’t stand what she was doing to her body. Every day she saw people who were too sick to live their lives the way they wanted to. People whose bodies were in a bad state because of something they couldn’t control, not because they were neglecting their health. And rather than appreciating her health and preserving it she was forcing her body into a state where it couldn’t complete proper function.

A tinny, electronic beep sounded through the air and the notification that her coffee was done drew Natsuki out of her negative thoughts. She rubbed her hand over her face and set to the task of preparing her coffee with more focus than it really required, carefully checking the cup that she knew to be clean and exactly measuring out the small amount of sugar she added to her coffee.

With coffee in hand Natsuki glanced around furtively, hoping to find something to absorb her thoughts. Seeing nothing she headed to her office where she was sure to have at least one half read book of some sort. After a short search she turned up an old textbook from university and returned to the kitchen with it in hand. It didn’t take her long before she was settled at the table, sipping her coffee and involving herself in the anatomy of the human body.

Almost an hour later Natsuki was startled out of an in-depth look at the skeletal system by a shrill ringing. Unable to identify its origin right away, Natsuki glanced around the room with confused eyes. Eventually she realized it was her cellphone. She jumped up and swore loudly. “Where did I put that stupid thing this time?”

After a frantic search Natsuki managed to locate the small black device in the depths of her work bag and answered it in time to gain a response. “Hello?”

“Natsuki?”

A small smile curved her lips as she recognized the voice of her bubbly friend. “Yes Mai. Who else would it be?”

Warm laughter flowed through the speaker. “Oh come on, don’t be mean. You never know if the line went weird or if you dialed the wrong number. Things can happen!”

“Sure they can Mai. It’s not just your paranoia at all.”

“You’re so mean Natsuki.” The pout in Mai’s voice was tangible but Natsuki knew it wasn’t real. “Anyway, though I should have just let you go into work to find out, and enjoyed your suffering, I decided to call you to tell you.”  
Natsuki waited a moment for Mai to proceed with whatever it was she’d been saying only to realize that the woman wasn’t going to say anything more without being prodded. “And what would this thing that you’ve decided to tell me be exactly?”

“Well, I’m not sure I should say anything now. I mean…with this obvious paranoia issue I have I could have imagined the whole thing. And then I would just be causing you trouble by telling you. So maybe I shouldn’t.”

Mai’s teasing earned a disbelieving snort from her blue-haired friend. “Come on Mai, you know you want to be the one to tell me. So unless you want me to just call the hospital myself…”

“Hmmph. Jeez Natsuki, you’re no fun.” Mai’s sigh was meant to sound annoyed but the teasing lilt to it was easy to discern. “Fine, I’ll tell you what I called for and ruin all the fun of the anticipation. The new scheduling system messed up pretty majorly so it turns out we have the day off. And I was wondering if you wanted to go do something together.”

“Huh.” Natsuki was stunned for a moment. She hadn’t even considered the possibility that she might not have work to save her from her current mess of emotions. The revelation was less than welcome. There was no way she could survive a day wandering around her house thinking about what everything she’d lost. It would drive her insane.

Mai’s voice broke into Natsuki’s increasingly frantic thoughts. “So is that a yes to spending time with me or a no? I figured you could use some away from home and work time.”

A slightly breathless laugh came forth from Natsuki’s lips. “Yeah. It’s a yes to spending time with you.”

There was a whoop of triumph from the other end of the line followed by Mai’s cheerful voice. “Perfect! I’ll be over soon. In the meantime, get ready! This is going to be so awesome!”

Natsuki merely stood there as her friend hung up on her. For a moment she blinked slowly, trying to comprehend what she had gotten herself into. As she began to head back to her bedroom to get ready for the day she groaned and let all of the worst case scenarios run through her mind. Eventually she decided that whatever Mai had in store for her would be better than sitting around her apartment doing nothing.

At least, that’s what she told herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly it's been awhile since I've updated. However, I intend to post the completed chapters as quickly as possible. So you can be on the lookout for them or go hunt this thing down on Fanfiction. Whatever fits your mood. Furthermore, my apologies for any errors. It's late and any attempt I've made to edit is basically poppycock. So yes, overlook such mishaps if you can.


	4. You Say to Yourself, "Somebody Better Will Understand You More Than I Ever…"

Chapter Four - You say to yourself somebody better will understand you more than I ever…

 

An hour later Natsuki was mentally kicking herself. She should have known what her red headed friend would choose to do. And she should have known to stay far, far, away. But since she hadn’t she was merely going to have to endure the hell Mai was attempting to label as ‘fun’…

Shopping.

It wasn’t that Natsuki hated shopping. It was more that she hated _unnecessary_ shopping. If she needed to go shopping because there was something in particular to get? No issue. But shopping for the sake of shopping? That made her want to kill herself.

“Hey Mai?” She waited for the other woman to draw her eyes away from the light blue top she was eyeing with interest then continued. “You didn’t just sporadically want to hang out today did you?” The question was rhetorical and they both knew it. Which was why Mai gave her friend an innocent, wide eyed stare and Natsuki responded by rolling her own eyes.

“Seriously Mai, I know you. You’re the type that would force yourself to spend time with someone you hated just to make sure they were okay. Be it emotionally or physically okay. It’s why you make such a great nurse.” She stopped as Mai gave her a dark glare that clearly meant to shut her up. She merely raised an eyebrow as she waited for her friend to say her piece. But Natsuki was determined to finish what she had to say once the red head was done.

“First, thank you very much for the compliment. I work hard to be good at what I do. And second, you’re right, I do sometimes put up with people I dislike to make sure they aren’t going to do something like drink themselves into a stupor, take drugs, or even worse, kill themselves.” She frowned as she thought of those darker possibilities then eyed Natsuki with another stare that was less threatening and more stern. “But that’s not why I’m here with you. You’re my best friend Natsuki and that means that while I want to make sure you’re okay, it’s perfectly allowable for me to subtly torment you while I do so.”

Emerald eyes narrowed at the implication. “So you purposely brought me shopping with you knowing it would be torture for me.” When she received a bright grin she had a moment of uncertainty as to whether she should laugh or attempt to throttle her friend. Instead she merely rolled her eyes. “Does it also mean that you have secret plans to make me want to off myself before the day is out? Because if that is your goal, I think you should know that you’re definitely on the right track. I might even throw myself into traffic after the next store.”

A flash of intense worry flickered in Mai’s eyes before she realized that Natsuki was completely kidding. She shoved the other woman and rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry Natsuki, I don’t have any such evil schemes. Trust me, I wouldn’t take you shopping just to get you to off yourself. Way too much whining involved. If I wanted you dead, I’d shove you into traffic myself.”

Mai’s initial reaction didn’t escape Natsuki’s notice. And though she had no intentions of addressing it she did take it to heart. Apparently she was looking much worse than she thought she was if her best friend was beginning to worry about her offing herself. She stifled a sigh and snorted instead. “Thanks Mai, glad to know you care so much. Jerk.”

Warmth filled violet eyes and the other woman grinned brightly. “But of course. I’d say it’s the least I can do for my best friend but I have to be honest and say it’s the most I can do. If you weren’t such a pain in my butt I’d probably love you so much more.”

Natsuki rolled her eyes. “So let me guess, you’re subjecting me to all this torture to make an example out of me?”

It was Mai’s turn to roll her eyes. “Yes Natsuki, taking you shopping with me has nothing to do with me wanting an honest opinion and everything to do with me wanting to prove to the world that bad temperament deserves punishment via shopping trips from hell.”

Natsuki snorted again then caught on to a specific part of what Mai had said. She felt her interest piqued and couldn’t help but question her friend. “You wanted an honest opinion? On what?”

A dark flush rose on the red head cheeks and she looked away quickly. “Uh…nothing? I don’t want an honest opinion at all. I want you to lie to me and tell me how wonderful I am?”

Natsuki stared at her friend, trying to assess what was going through her mind. After a moment she chuckled. “Nice Mai. Not even sure if you want me to compliment you? Are you finally realizing how difficult such a thing would be?”

Mai rolled her eyes and made a few unintelligible but clearly grouchy noises. Suddenly her eyes lit up and she turned to Natsuki to say something. But before any words left her lips something clouded her violet eyes and she remained quiet.

The blue haired woman studied her intently, trying to discern her friend’s thoughts once more. This time it was a lot easier for Natsuki to pick up on them. She had seen Mai’s eyes alight on the lingerie store across the street and she was fairly sure the look she’d seen in Mai’s eyes was a mixture of worry and hesitation. She sighed internally as it all came together and she also found out what Mai had initially wanted to ask for help with. She wanted to stun her boyfriend and her plan was to do so through lingerie.

She grabbed the other woman’s hand and hauled her towards the store. She’d been there before herself, though it had been a long time since Natsuki had indulged her love of fancy underwear. She had never really pinpointed why but in hindsight she knew it was because she had stopped feeling even remotely confident about herself.

As Mai opened her mouth to protest Natsuki’s movements the older woman came to two simultaneous conclusions. She knew how to get Mai in the shop and trying things on without a fuss, and at the same time, she could work on one of her own personal issues.

Once they had reached the other side of the street and were standing in front of the shop Natsuki halted in mid stride, nearly sending the red head face first into the sidewalk. The only thing that kept the woman’s pretty face from the unfortunate incident was Natsuki’s firm grip on her upper arm. She looked over at her friend and gave her a light glare. “Trying to kill me now? Hold a grudge much?”

Natsuki blinked as she tried to follow her friend’s meaning. She was so involved in her plan that it took her a bit longer than usual to catch up. After a few seconds she laughed aloud as she realized that Mai was referring to her plaintive whining about the other woman trying to kill her with a tedious shopping trip. “Normally, yes, I would be holding a serious grudge, but because we’ve been friends for so long I’m going to be the bigger man and forgive you.”

“Uh huh. Of course you are. Either way, there’s no way we’re going in there. You cannot make me.” Mai felt as though her firm words had settled the matter and was feeling rather triumphant. At least, until she look over at the blue-haired woman who still held her arm in a steely grip. “I’m going in there whether I like it or not aren’t I?”

At first Natsuki merely stared at her in silence, something that they both recognized as an intimidation tactic. Then she grinned. “Exactly. But if it makes you feel better, going in there with me will help me work through some sort of personal issue. So, are you still adverse?”

In spite of Natsuki’s teasing tone Mai knew that the other woman was dead serious. And after a moment of thought she could see how going in with her would be beneficial. She wasn’t completely sure if Natsuki believed it would help her, but Mai was more than willing to turn the tables and drag her friend in on the mere chance. She launched forward and smiled brightly. “Then in we go.”

Once they were inside Mai flushed a dark red. “I…uh…what do we do?”

Natsuki turned a surprised gaze on the other woman. “Are you embarrassed to be looking at underwear Mai?” When the red head refused to meet her gaze she chuckled. “You do realize that everyone knows you wear these things underneath your clothing right?” She didn’t expect a response and instead of waiting for one she took the other woman’s arm and led her to the back of the store. “So what is it that you were looking for Mai?”

If it were possible, Natsuki was sure that Mai’s cheeks were reddening further. “Uh…s-something to…” Mai trailed off and gave Natsuki a slightly desperate look.

After a great bit of stuttering and blushing on Mai’s part, Natsuki finally gained a solid idea of what it was the other woman was looking for. She hadn’t expected to, but she ended up finding the process of sorting through the store’s selection to be therapeutic in a way. Though it wasn’t merely the process, it was something more. If Natsuki tried to put a finger on it she would have to say that the therapeutic portion was more that she felt…like herself. It was the first time in a long while that she’d felt like herself.

For the longest time she hadn’t been able to feel like herself, not even with Shizuru. And she knew that it was no fault of Shizuru’s that she’d felt like someone else. It had been her own fault she’d ended up that way. She had chosen to act like someone she wasn’t, and as a result, the obvious had occurred. She’d lost who she was and the ability to define herself.

None of the blame was Shizuru’s to bear though. Natsuki had been the one to assume that she wasn’t good enough for the other woman, even though Shizuru’s actions had always proved otherwise. Natsuki had let her insecurities take over and run her life. She’d begun to assume she knew what everyone expected of her and based those assumptions on common societal views. She’d tried to conform to the perfection society attempted to impose on people. And in the process she’d become someone that those around her couldn’t recognize.

Before, she hadn’t been willing to admit to herself that she was allowing other people’s thoughts and wants, people she didn’t know or care about, to define her and the way she saw the people around her. By doing so she’d turned her closest friends into strangers and she’d made herself a stranger to them. All because she hadn’t wanted to give up her pride and ask them what they truly thought and felt. Because emotion was weak and of course she couldn’t let herself be weak.

Natsuki nearly scoffed aloud as she fully admitted to herself the extent of her recent behaviour. She’d been ridiculous. No, she’d been more than ridiculous she’d been idiotic bordering on pathetic. She’d nearly lost everything. And it was all because she’d held on to her father’s beliefs. He’d been the one that had told her emotions were weak and he’d been the one to tell her that she needed to be strong to be worthy.

So she’d unwittingly followed his example her entire life. And eventually, she’d let it take over. Seeing that showed Natsuki that she’d never really retained the pride she’d sought so hard to maintain. She’d blindingly followed the philosophy of a man who had cheated on his devoted wife and left her and their daughter for a twenty something secretary who was only after him for his money.

“Natsuki?” Mai’s voice broke through her whirling thoughts and she turned to meet concerned violet eyes. “Are you alright?”

A weak smile curved her lips as she nodded. “I’m a lot better than I’ve been in a long while.”

It was obvious in the warm smile her friend gave her that Mai had seen the small smile for what it really was, one of the first genuine ones she’d managed in a long time. With a laugh Mai tugged Natsuki towards a section with darker hued undergarments, knowing that pastels weren’t entirely Natsuki’s favorite. “Now, if I have to buy something you do to. I’ll die of embarrassment if I have to go up there alone.”

Natsuki laughed. “How have you survived this long Mai? Surely you’ve had to buy underwear before.”

The entire time they’d been wandering through the store Mai had maintained a slight flush to her cheeks that would darken periodically. This was one of those moments and Natsuki was fairly sure that the specific colour of red Mai was turning was unique. “I have. Once my chest stopped growing I went to a store and got sized and now I just grab my size at department stores. I’ve never really come into a place like this. It’s…definitely got a different atmosphere.”

Natsuki laughed a bit, internally wincing when her voice broke a bit. She clearly needed to try laughing a bit more. It was beginning to sound a bit worn and unnatural. “Jesus Mai. You certainly are an odd one.”

The other woman rolled her eyes. “I’m the odd one? How long have you even been coming to places like this, huh?”

“For…” Natsuki paused and frowned gently as she tried to remember the age she’d been when she’d first starting buying lingerie. “I think I was about fourteen or fifteen when I really started to develop. I was pretty freaked out. I’d always been quite the tomboy. But then I started filling out and my gender became pretty hard to deny. At first I wasn’t sure what to do so I just went to a nearby mall and entered the first store I saw that looked like it sold the things I needed. I got lucky and met a really nice woman who told me everything I needed to know. She figured out my size and my preferences and everything. She made the whole ordeal a lot less traumatic for me.”

A small smile curved Mai’s lips as she studied the more relaxed look Natsuki had obtained as she talked. “And that turned into your hobby?”

Natsuki snorted. “You make it sound so much worse than it was. It wasn’t a hobby so much as a…stress reliever? I liked the atmosphere and after that first time, I found that I was really comfortable in lingerie shops. I like the colors, the quiet, and there was just something about the stores that I felt comfortable in.”

“Makes sense I suppose.” Mai pursed her lips for a moment then focus her gaze back on her friend. “So why’d you stop?”

Green eyes widened in surprise before filling with realization. “You asked me to come with you specifically to see why I’d stopped collecting lingerie didn’t you?”

Mai bit her lip. “Sort of. I also really needed help and you were the best candidate. But it has been something I’ve always worried about.”

The blue haired woman suppressed an annoyed groan and instead elected to answer the question. “I think…I think it was because being with Shizuru made me feel so good, especially when we first got together. I didn’t really need that atmosphere anymore. I didn’t stop completely, at least not at first. But eventually I just found that I didn’t go anymore. And my collection was big enough by that point that I didn’t have to.”

“And when things started going less well between you two? What then?”

“Then…” Natsuki sighed. “I thought about it sometimes. But by that point, it was just easier to bury myself in work. And…I think there was a part of me that thought…I don’t know maybe I just felt that I shouldn’t?”

Mai reached out and settled her palm on her friend’s arm. “Well, maybe now is a good time to start. And if you want…I wouldn’t mind tagging along every once in a while.”

Natsuki chuckled. Her friend’s concern for her was evident in her eyes and Natsuki knew that Mai was serious about her offer. That was the most endearing aspect of it all, that Mai would go out of her way to do something that made her nervous, just to make sure Natsuki was alright. She would have taken the other woman up on her offer just for that, but Natsuki couldn’t have resisted saying yes either way. The chance to see Mai bashful and stuttering again was too good to pass up. “Alright. You got yourself a deal. From here on out we can be lingerie shopping buddies.”

A spark of acknowledgement flared in violet eyes as Mai recognized the hint of mischief in her friend’s expression. She rolled her eyes and laughed. “I have a very bad feeling that I’m going to regret making this offer.”

Natsuki smothered her urge to smirk and instead gave the redhead a solemn look. “Of course you will.”

-

A loud buzzing sound erupted and Shizuru nearly jumped out of her chair. She’d been so focused on the case she was currently putting together that she couldn’t manage to recognize the intrusive noise for a few long moments.

She frowned as she looked around her office and tried to locate it. Just as the door to her office opened she remembered that she’d set an alarm on her phone to make sure she managed to leave work on time. She’d promised her mother she’d at least attempt to start heading home at a reasonable hour as her trend of working ridiculously late was beginning to become an issue that required concern.

Rather than checking who’d entered her office she began to scan her work area once more to see where she’d put her phone only to be interrupted by a syrupy sweet voice. “It’s in the drawer to your right Ms. Fujino.”

She glanced up quickly to see her assistant before fishing her phone out of the drawer the other woman had suggested. It had indeed been there. As she dismissed the alarm Shizuru felt a flare of unease float through her mind. It was unsettling to realize that Tomoe watched her closely enough to know where she put such personal things. She supressed the frown that she felt tugging at the corners of her mouth and tried to dismiss the anxiety, trying to convince herself that Tomoe was merely trying to do her job.

“Thank you Ms. Marguerite. For some reason I couldn’t remember where I’d put it. I was a bit too involved in this case.” She waved her hand over the papers in front of her easily and gave the other woman a polite smile.

“No need to thank me Ms. Fujino.” The younger woman stepped further into the office and took a seat in one of the chairs in front of Shizuru’s desk “I was wondering if you had a few minutes? There’s something I wish to speak with you about.”

Another sigh was stifled as Shizuru felt herself nodding slowly. “Of course Ms. Marguerite, what is it that you need?” At her continued use of her formal address towards the younger woman, Shizuru saw a flash of irritation shoot through the other woman’s eyes. Knowing she didn’t have the time to think about what that meant right away, Shizuru filed it away for further thought.

“I need a bit of a favour.” Tomoe made a show of looking sweet and flustered before she continued. “I have a date tonight and it’s the first time I’ve seen this person so I want to make a really good impression. But I don’t really do things like this…go on dates that is, very often so I really don’t know what I should wear or what kind of perfume I should use or...anything really. I’m at a complete loss. And I was hoping you could come out with me after work and give me some advice?”

It was a struggle for Shizuru keep her emotions out of her expression as she listened to the younger woman speak. She knew the woman’s demeanour, all of the nervous smiling and blushing, was an act. And she was sure that her assistant had been lying when she said she needed help. The way Tomoe attempted to flirt with her on so many previous occasions showed that the woman knew her way around such social engagements.

Knowing she was being lied to made Shizuru less than pleased and she was on the verge of refusing the other woman when something occurred to her. If she helped the younger woman out she might be able to divert her attentions to someone else. Even though asking for her help was a pretense, Shizuru was also aware that Tomoe Marguerite did indeed have a date. And even if it went nowhere, she knew she could use it to her advantage later.

So rather than turn the young woman down, Shizuru grudgingly agreed to lend her aid, mentally resigning herself to another worried look from her mother. It was the last thing she wanted to do but the possibility of directing her assistant’s affections anywhere else was worth it. The last thing Shizuru wanted to do was fire the girl and then go through the tedious process of familiarizing a new person with everything. Even if Tomoe was an annoyance, she was very good at her job. She’d be hard to replace.

Shizuru steeled herself and gave the dark cyan-haired woman a smile. “Of course Ms. Marguerite, I’d be happy too. Though I do think you should be aware that I’m not much of an expert in that area.”

Tomoe gave her an insipid smile. “Don’t be silly Ms. Fujino. I wouldn’t have asked for your help if I didn’t think it would be valuable. Anyone with eyes can see that you know how to enhance your good looks. I could definitely use any tips you have to offer.”

Shizuru barely managed to avoid making her displeasure abundantly clear as the younger woman flirted with her. The flattery had been smoothly delivered and most people would have warmed to the compliment but Shizuru had never been one to respond well to such treatment. Instead of reacting the way she was expected to Shizuru maintained her polite smile. “If you’re sure Ms. Marguerite…” She trailed off, half hoping that the younger woman would withdraw her request.

As Tomoe practically beamed at her Shizuru accepted that she was stuck. “I’m completely sure. So once you’re done…?”

Once again Shizuru supressed her initial response and instead nodded. “Yes. At about five I’ll finish up and meet you out there.” She made a vague motion towards the outer office where Tomoe’s desk was. She’d expected the other woman to leave directly after their plans had been confirmed only to realize that her assistant had no such intentions. “Now, if that’s all, I need to get back to work.”

Shizuru hadn’t intended there to be a slight edge to her voice but it didn’t seem to matter. The lavender eyed woman was completely oblivious to her irritation. She merely gave Shizuru another sugary sweet smile before sashaying her way out.

Once the door clicked shut behind her assistant, Shizuru allowed the frown she’d been holding back to flow onto her features and emitted a low groan of annoyance. The last thing she wanted to do was spend personal time with the woman. But if it meant she could deflect the younger woman’s intensely unwanted advances…

For that, Shizuru would do almost anything.

-

When the end of the day rolled around Shizuru found herself deeply regretting agreeing to go anywhere with her assistant. And that may or may not have had anything to do with the looks the younger woman had constantly been giving her every time they crossed paths.

She could stand her on a working basis but on a personal one? Shizuru would be lucky if she managed to keep her cool for even one hour. And that definitely said a lot considering that she was known for her calm demeanour and cool head when it came to a crisis.

But this situation didn’t count as a crisis. A part of her was enjoying likening it to a ticking time bomb. Though she wasn’t entirely sure which part of the entire ordeal was to be the bomb.

There was a knock at the door and Shizuru felt herself tense up for what felt to be the millionth time that day. She knew she was over-reacting but she couldn’t help but feel that the younger woman had gotten under her skin. And she’d done so in the exact opposite of a pleasurable way. The better analogy would have been to say the teal haired woman was a thorn in her side.

There was another knock, this time more urgent, and Shizuru repressed a sigh and called out in response. “Come in Ms. Marguerite.”

The door opened to reveal her beaming assistant. The smaller woman sauntered in, already wearing her coat and carrying her bag. “Everything’s finished up out there. Are you ready to go?”

Shizuru forced a smile and tried to ignore the more immature part of her mind that insisted she should pout and whine about not wanting to go. “Of course Ms. Marguerite. Just let me get my things and I’ll be out in a second.”

It was clear that the other woman wasn’t pleased with the subtle but clear dismissal but she took it in stride. With another wide smile she exited the office, presumably to wait for Shizuru outside.

Shizuru set about finishing the small tasks she’d started and made sure to attend to each one thoroughly. It had only been a few minutes when she had to admit to herself that she was procrastinating. She quickly shut down her computer and gathered her things. As she was slipping on her coat Tomoe showed up in the doorway once more.

“Oh! Wonderful. I’d begun to think that you’d passed out or something.” Violet eyes practically glowed with delight and her smile spoke of flirtation.

Shizuru chuckling dryly and grabbed her bag as she moved to exit the office. “Fortunately that wasn’t the case. I was just finishing up some things. I take it you’re ready to go?”

“I’m more than ready.” Tomoe moved out of the doorframe and began to lead the way out of the building. “I’m so glad you were able to come with me Ms. Fujino. It’s always more fun to have someone along for things like this.”

As they walked Tomoe continued to chatter on about a myriad of things. For the most part Shizuru just let it all pass in one ear and out the other, taking cues from the other woman’s body language on when and how she should react to her statements. And judging by the way Tomoe’s smile only seemed to grow Shizuru was doing a rather good job.

It seemed like a much longer walk than Shizuru remembered to reach the closest department store. She’d been there a lot of times before when she needed to pick up the odd gift or other item. It had been perfectly placed between her office and her and Natsuki’s apartment.

A small sigh slipped through her lips and she tensed as Tomoe looked over at her. She didn’t relax again until it became clear that the other woman hadn’t noticed. The last thing Shizuru wanted was for her assistant to have yet another opportunity to attempt to cajole her into talking about her feelings.

Once they’d entered the building Tomoe headed straight for the women’s clothing department. She dove right into the racks and began flicking through item after item.

Shizuru stood back, much less enthused about the whole ordeal.

-

Natsuki entered her apartment and set her things down by the door, too tired to deal with them straight away. She’d had a long day and nearly lost a patient. The only thing she really wanted to do was lay down and try to sleep.

Once she was inside, Natsuki began to mentally list the things that she needed to do before sleeping. Judging by the way her stomach was growling it seemed that food would be coming first. A quick look into the fridge was enough to make Natsuki growl in annoyance. Her fridge was just as empty as her cupboards. “This is what I get for avoiding a thorough shopping trip.” She sighed and rubbed her face over her hand.

Once she’d come to terms with the annoyance of having to leave her apartment again Natsuki decided to go to a nearby shopping center that had a grocery store as well as a myriad of other ones.

The small mall wasn’t very far and Natsuki found herself enjoying the walk. The air was crisp and fresh and she could feel the tension flooding out of her shoulders. A small smiled played at the edges of her lips as she reached the entrance to the mall.

Her good mood held up through the menial task of collecting enough groceries to make a few meals and paying for them. It wasn’t until after she’d exited the grocery store and was passing by the neighbouring department store that Natsuki remembered that she was running low on shampoo and conditioner.

It wasn’t until she’d collected the items she needed and started to head back to the cashier tills to pay that her mood was sent plummeting once more.

Standing in front of the perfume samples Natsuki could see a very familiar brunette. At first she was able to brush it off as one of the many tricks her mind had been playing on her since she’d last seen Shizuru. But once she saw the woman standing next to the brunette there was no doubt left.

No matter how much she wanted to deny what was in front of her, it was uncomfortably clear that the teal-haired woman was Shizuru’s young assistant. The very same one that Natsuki knew was head over heels for the brunette. And that left no doubt that the brown haired woman beside her was none other than Shizuru.

The real question was why would Shizuru be at the store with her assistant? As far as she had been aware, assistants weren’t so integral to a lawyer’s life that they even accompanied them shopping. And even if they were, Shizuru had never had that much to do with hers. Hell she’d barely ever even mentioned the woman. Natsuki wasn’t even sure what the girl’s name was. Was it Takara? Tomiko? It had been something that started with a ‘T’. Shizuru had only mentioned her in passing.

Realistically Natsuki was aware that there were many possibilities as to why Shizuru was out shopping with her assistant but her mind could only focus on one. That Shizuru had taken advantage of her newly single status and finally welcomed the younger woman’s advances.

A part of her screamed out that the mere thought was ludicrous. That Shizuru wasn’t the type to do something like that. And at first, that part was winning out. Then the teal-haired woman reached out and wrapped her hand around Shizuru’s forearm and leaned in towards her.

Before the woman could finish whatever it was she was starting, Natsuki turned tail and ran. She made her way through the store to the tills and paid for the items she held in her hands. She couldn’t remember what she’d gone in for or whether or not she’d gotten it but she couldn’t find it in her to care. She just wanted to be out and as far from the building as possible. With that desire driving her she made the trip from the store to her apartment in record time.

She’d barely made it through her front door when she felt herself start to fall apart. The first sign was the hot prickling of tears behind her eyes. Next was the tightness in her chest that made breathing more difficult than it should have been. Natsuki bit down on her lip, not caring when she nearly broke through the skin. She looked around frantically, desperately attempting to locate something that would distract her.

She grabbed the first thing she saw, the bags she’d dropped at the front door. Though the process of putting away food and other necessities didn’t normally involve a great deal of attention, Natsuki made the task much more difficult by reorganizing the entire kitchen. The set-up had been decided by Shizuru as she’d been the one that spent the most time in the room and somehow undoing what she’d done felt therapeutic.

Natsuki wasn’t sure how long she spent doing that but by the time she was finished she was far from hungry. All she could manage was a quick shower before falling into bed and praying for the comfort of sleep. It wasn’t long before she got it, but there was no comfort to be had, only nightmares.

-

A loud banging at the door woke Natsuki from a fairly restless sleep. She sat up slowly, trying to comprehend why there was a loud noise and how she could make it stop. Before she came to any sort of decision the banging stopped and she grunted as she proceeded to lower herself back onto her pillow.

A groan escaped her lips as she slowly felt the haze of sleep slip from the edges of her mind. And though she was far from willing to wake up and face the day, Natsuki was aware that there was little chance that she’d be able to fall asleep once more.

Following that less than enjoyable realization was an overwhelming feeling that Natsuki couldn’t fully comprehend. She almost felt…sick to her stomach but not at the same time. It was almost as though she felt so wrong that it was manifesting as physical illness. Just as she began to delve into why she felt so horrible she caught a hint of movement in the periphery of her vision. Her hand immediately shot out towards her bedside table and she grasped the first heavy thing her fingers touched, which just happened to be her alarm clock.

“You know, if I really was an intruder, here to do you harm, you’d be in some serious trouble.”

Emerald eyes flicked up to settle on a beaming red head, a hint of the glare she’d been giving her alarm clock remaining. “How in the world did you get in here?”

Mai grinned and practically bounced over to her bed. “Well I was going to attempt getting in the old-fashioned way and pick your lock but it turned out to be unnecessary. Your door was already unlocked.” She made a ‘tsk’ing noise and gave her friend a reproving stare. “You should be more careful Natsuki. You never know what kind of weirdoes will pounce on you while you’re sleeping.”

Natsuki gave the other woman a pointed look. “Well, if I didn’t before I definitely do now. Is that what you’re here for? To demonstrate the types of mental people that break into the homes of unsuspecting women?”

Mai crossed her arms over her chest. “So mean Natsuki. That’s not why I’m here at all and you know it. But we’ll get to the reason for my wonderful arrival after you tell me why your door was left unlocked in the first place.” At the bland look the blue haired woman gave her Mai continued. “You’re usually very methodical Natsuki. It’s not like you to forget something as essential as locking your door.”

“Why do I have this feeling that when you say ‘methodical’ you actually mean ‘anal-retentive’?”

“Because that’s exactly what I mean. I was just trying to be polite about it. Now don’t change the subject.” Mai sat down on the end of the bed and made a show of making herself comfortable to emphasize that she wouldn’t be moving until she had answers.

A small sigh escaped Natsuki’s lips. She had finally awakened enough to remember some of what had happened the night before but hadn’t really processed it. And now that she was given the time to think the events over she couldn’t restrain the mess of emotions that resurfaced. “I saw Shizuru last night.”

Concern flooded the red-haired woman’s features. “What happened?”

Natsuki breathed deeply and tried to maintain a fairly blasé tone as she told Mai what she’d seen. “I was grocery shopping and then I remembered I had to stop by the department store and as I was passing that aisle with all the cosmetics and perfumes I thought I saw someone familiar.” She grimaced slightly as the emotions she’s felt the night before came flooding back. “At first I thought I was imagining it but then I recognized the other person. She was there with her assistant.”

Mai frowned deeply. “You mean that girl with the messed up haircut?”

A wry smile twisted Natsuki’s lips and she nodded. “That would be the one. Anyway, just as I recognized them her assistant touched her arm and started to lean in…”

A moment passed as Mai waited for the other woman to continue. Once she realized that Natsuki wasn’t going to say anything more without prompting she spoke up. “Was that all?”

Natsuki shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not sure. It could have been. I wasn’t exactly willing to stay and watch. My mind started running through a hundred scenarios and I didn’t want to see if any of them became a reality. The mere idea was bad enough. So I got my shit and got out. And that was it.”

Violet eyes softened with compassion as Mai shifted forward to rest her hand on her friend’s arm. “So the question of the hour becomes, how are you doing?”

Natsuki bit her lip then blew out a shaky breath. “I’m not exactly thrilled, especially considering the circumstances, but I’m holding up.”

Mai smiled gently. “Well that’s good at least. I mean really, you could be sitting in an alley getting hopped up on prescription drugs, convincing yourself that living the life of a prostitute is the best choice you have left.”

For a long moment Natsuki could only blink in response. Then, slowly, she lifted bewildered eyes to focus on her friend. “Prescription drug abuse and prostitution? Where in the world do you get these ideas?”

A light blush crossed Mai’s cheeks and she smiled sheepishly. “Um…I’ve had a bit too much spare time on my hands lately. And let’s just say it’s been wasted on nothing worthwhile. And on that note, let me say that TV dramas are a bad, bad thing. Don’t say yes. No matter what you they try to tell you.”

Natsuki merely stared at the red head for a few long moments before nodding slowly. “Right. Um, I think we should take away your TV. As soon as possible. At this rate you’re going to be staging interventions for my heroin addiction.”

Mai’s eyes widened to an almost impossible degree as she gaped at her friend. “You’re addicted to heroin? Natsuki I thought we talked about you taking care of yourself. You said you’d try. Trying does not involve selling your soul to the devil!”

Natsuki exhaled slowly as she tried to contain a small burst of laughter. She kept her face as stoic as possible. “Mai...It’s called sarcasm. Look it up.”

“Now you’re just being mean.” Mai pouted and crossed her arms. “I hope you know that you’ve hurt my feelings.”

Natsuki rolled her eyes and chuckled before she remembered what they’d initially been talking about. The remembrance sobered her quickly and her laughter became a wry smile. “You did all that on purpose didn’t you.”

Even though it was clear that Natsuki’s words were a statement rather than a question Mai responded with a nod of affirmation. “I was hoping it would make it all a little more bearable.”

Natsuki sighed and gave her friend a pained smile. “It did Mai. It helped a lot. And don’t start freaking or anything. I’m still here and I promise I’m not on the verge of going off the deep end or anything.” She swung her legs off the side of the bed and stood. “Besides, it really helped me comes to terms with how things are. Shizuru and I aren’t together anymore. She can be with whoever she wants. And I think there was a part of me that still wasn’t really grasping that.”

At Mai’s look of confusion Natsuki elaborated. “I mean, I think a part of me was still frozen in wait or something. I was still expecting everything to stop and rewind or somehow things would work themselves out and Shizuru and I would go back to being what we were.” She rolled her shoulders back and stretched as she tried to come up with the right words to express what was going through her head. “It’s kind of like…I was grieving but I wasn’t really accepting it. So yeah, seeing her with someone else hurt. More than I would have expected. But it was a beneficial pain. And now I can start again, but this time maybe I’ll make more progress, maybe now I can start moving on?”

Mai’s lips twitched into a smile as she stood and wrapped her arms around her friend. Her smile grew as the other woman shifted uncomfortably. “Well then, I’m glad to hear it. And if you need anything, just let me know. I mean really, I clearly have way too much time on my hands so you’d probably be saving a lot of people by occupying some of it.”

“You mean I’d be saving them from false accusations of unlawful activities and shameful morals?” Natsuki rolled her eyes as the red head laughed. “Alright then, I’m going to start warning people that you’ve lost it.”

Mai just laugh once more and shook her head as she released her friend and started for the kitchen. “Do you mind if I put on some coffee and scrounge up some breakfast? I haven’t had time to get groceries so I haven’t eaten yet this morning.”

Natsuki rolled her eyes and began gathering some clothes to take into the washroom. “Fine by me. I’m going to take a shower alright?”

There was a clattering of metal and a grunt followed by a muttering about badly placed pans before Mai responded. “Got it. You have any preferences?”

“Anything you feel like is good by me.” Just a Natsuki was about to enter the washroom she considered something. “Hey Mai?”

There was some banging and clattering once more. “Yeah?”

Natsuki made a mental note to worry about her kitchen later. “What exactly brought you here this morning?”

“Uhh…do you want the honest answer or the non-creepy one?”

Just as she was about to respond she heard the tap turn on and waited for the sound of rushing water to abate. “The honest one would be nice.”

Mai appeared in the doorway, having already donned an apron that Natsuki didn’t even know she had and waving the coffee pot she held in her hand. “I was lonely. And since I’m used to having someone around in the morning I figured I’d come over here and make you my stand-in.”

Natsuki snorted. “Oh joy. Whatever then. I’m going to take my shower now. Have fun being all…domestic and such.”

As Mai grinned and practically danced away Natsuki raised her eyes heaven-ward shook her head. Even while she was mentally bemoaning the fact that her best friend was most likely a lunatic, Natsuki couldn’t help but feel a bit better. She may have lost the woman she loved but at least there was a bright side. No matter how shitty she felt, she could never feel completely alone. Not with someone like Mai around. With that thought lingering in her mind, Natsuki set about her day feeling the most okay she had in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One right after another, meaning that this one is equal to the last chapter in regards to poor editing. However, I hope that you will overlook any errors and enjoy the story anyway.


	5. It Just Gets Worse When it Stays the Same

Chapter Five - It Just Gets Worse When it Stays the Same

Natsuki rubbed her hands over her face. She was exhausted and it was barely half way through her shift. Once she and Mai had arrived she’d been rushed off to deal with a slew of different issues. Three of her patients had developed new complications, another patient had flat-lined just before their scheduled surgery and now she was being asked for a consult with another surgeon. She barely had time to deal with her own patients let alone give another doctor advice on theirs.

So there she was, standing in her office waiting for another doctor to arrive. The worst part was that she had no idea who she was waiting for. Her mind had been whirling and she’d been so absorbed that she hadn’t even thought to ask.

Though she’d run through a list of possibilities none of them had come even close to the doctor who came through her door a few short minutes later. Natsuki’s jaw nearly dropped as a gorgeous blond woman with sparkling brown eyes walked through her office door. Out of all the doctors she’d been expecting to need her advice, this woman was the last one she’d ever even come to close to considering.

“Dr. Kuga?” Dark blonde brows rose slightly as the woman gave her a concerned look. “Have I come at a bad time?”

Natsuki opened her mouth to speak then closed it again and cleared her throat as she tried to come up with something intelligent to say. “No, no, uh…not at all. I’m sorry but I…uh…” she trailed off with a mental grimace. She’d almost managed halfway competent speech for a few moments there. “I’m sorry, let me start over. You obviously know who I am but I can’t remember who you are.”

The blonde woman laughed gently and gave Natsuki a winning smile. “Don’t worry about it. There are so many people working here that even I find it hard to keep all the names straight, and I’m really good with names.”

She brushed past Natsuki to sit in one of the comfortable leather chairs and Natsuki couldn’t help but notice the light but fruity smell that surrounded her. She was so enthralled that she almost missed it when the blonde began to speak once more. “I’m Dr. Akita. I work in the Pediatrics ward.”

 “So with children?” Natsuki nearly winced. It was beginning to seem more and more like she was trying to win an award for most pathetic conversation possible.

Luckily, Dr. Akita didn’t seem to take any offense. “Yes. I work with children. I’d initially wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon but I ended up changing my mind pretty fast once I was an intern. It became apparent pretty early on that I was well suited to children and I’ve come to realize that I love interacting with them. I truly can’t think of anything better than fixing these little people and sending them back out into the world to accomplish whatever great things lie in wait for their futures..” She smiled slightly but with much less mirth than before. “And that’s why I’m here. I’ve encountered some issues with one of my patient’s and I’m beginning to realize that I’m in over my head.”

“So you need a consultation?” Natsuki had to mentally restrain to urge to roll her eyes at her behaviour. She’s apparently developed an unfortunate habit for stating the blatantly obvious.

Dr. Akita bit her lip in what seemed to be a nervous gesture and began to fiddle with the lapel of her coat. “Well…initially that had been the plan but I think…”

Natsuki could feel the tension radiating off of the other woman and found herself floundering, unsure of how to ease it. She ended up taking the seat beside the blonde and waiting quietly for her to continue.

Dr. Akita rubbed her hands over her face and when she finally lifted her gaze to Natsuki’s it was nearly unbearably weary. She gave Natsuki a tight smile as a flash of concern flashed through the younger woman’s emerald eyes. “I’m at a loss Dr. Kuga. I’m good at my job, I have a lot of experience, but for once, I have no idea what I’m doing.” She bit her lip and reached into the pocket of her coat, pulling out a picture and handing it to Natsuki. “Her name is Sakura. She’s incredibly bright and so brave, and I’m doing everything I can to save her, but it’s not enough because I’m not out of my league with her case.”

Natsuki followed Dr. Akita’s desperate gaze to the picture she now held in her grasp. She found herself staring at a picture of a young girl, probably between the ages of seven and ten from the looks of it. She had dark red hair that was pulled back into a ponytail that rested over her shoulder and though her face was slightly drawn from the illness that was plaguing her she maintained a bright smile that lit up vibrant green eyes. Looking at the child and her obvious vivacity, Natsuki couldn’t help the small smile that curved her lips.

She looked up into expectant brown eyes that were desperately awaiting her decision. A decision she hadn’t needed any time or thought to make. The instant Natsuki had looked at the picture she’d known she’d do whatever she could for the young girl. “What can I do?”

Dr. Akita stared at Natsuki for a long moment in apparent disbelief before she left out a relieved sigh and beamed. “You can start by looking over her file. She’s stable for now but the sooner we can pinpoint what’s wrong and fix it the better.”

Natsuki nodded. “Of course. Did you want me to check up on her now or would you prefer to tell her about me and let me look over her case file first? To be honest I’d rather not go in blind and start promising things I can’t possibly guarantee.”

“I’ll send over her file with one of my interns. It would be best for you to figure out what you can from it first and allow me to open her to the idea of yet another stranger poking and prodding her.” Dr. Akita stood and pushed back a strand of wavy bland hair. “I just want you to know that I really appreciate it.”

Natsuki couldn’t help but smiling slightly. “You don’t need to thank me. We’re doctors. We help people. It doesn’t matter who. If we can help, we do.”

Dr. Akita smiled wearily. “Surprisingly enough, not all doctors are like that. You’d be amazed at how many there are who are in it only for the money.” She sighed then smiled more genuinely. “But I can’t really say I expected the amazing Dr. Kuga to be that kind of doctor.”

A light blush dusted Natsuki’s cheeks and she shook her head slightly. “Amazing? Where’d that come from?”

The blond laughed and gave Natsuki a slightly disbelieving look. “You really have no idea do you?”

“Um…well there are a lot of things I’m not aware of so I don’t see any reason why that statement would be false…” Natsuki internally winced as she thought of how ridiculous her response was. All she could do was hope that the other woman wouldn’t be offended.

As if to contradict all of Natsuki’s thoughts the other woman appeared to be the furthest thing from offended. Instead she laughed lightly and merely looked at the blue-haired woman with an amused gleam in her eyes. “I guess I should have been more specific. Do you have any idea what people around the hospital say about you Dr. Kuga?”

Natsuki couldn’t help but purse her lips and frown as she thought of the possible things her co-workers could be saying about her. “Hopefully nothing too horrible…I mean I know that I’ve been a bit harsh with some of the interns and a few nurses but they were being ridiculous. I didn’t know how else to deal with that…”

Wide brown eyes merely blinked as the other woman gaped at her. “Okay, not only are you wrong, but you are so far off that I’m beginning to wonder if we’re even on the same planet. In this hospital you’re basically revered Dr. Kuga. All of your superiors sing your praises, your patients love you and everyone who has worked with you or for you pretty much adore your pants off.”

Unable to comprehend what the other woman was saying, Natsuki focused on the most accessible part of what she’d been told. “My pants off? That seems unprofessional.”

The blond snorted. “Well, at least now I know how you are when it comes to receiving compliments. I’ll make sure to keep this in mind when I dole them out. Though, you can be sure that I don’t give compliments easily.” Dr. Akita rolled her eyes at the stunned expression that had remained frozen on her colleague’s face. With a soft sigh she patted the blue-haired woman’s shoulder and waited for emerald eyes to focus on her own. “I’m going to leave now and let you turn this new found information over in your head but make sure to get back to me about our patient as soon as you can.”

With that Dr. Akita stood and walked towards the door, pausing just as she was about to pass through the doorway. “One more thing Dr. Kuga, I want you to know that you have full permission to call me by my first name. In fact I’m more likely to respond to it considering that it’s what I hear all day from my patients.”

As Dr. Akita turned to leave Natsuki broke out of her reverie long enough to call out. “Wait!” She waited for brown eyes to connect with hers, curiosity brimming in them. “I’m sorry but I don’t know your first name.”

A warm smile curved soft, pink lips. “Hitomi. Call me Hitomi.”

Whether she wanted to or not, Natsuki couldn’t her but react in kind though her smile was obviously more strained. “In that case, call me Natsuki.”

-

By the time midnight swung around Natsuki was pretty sure she was dead. And if she wasn’t dead, she almost wished she was. In a completely metaphoric sense. Somewhat similar to how she already felt dead, also metaphorically. In a more literal sense it could be said that she was merely exhausted to the point of having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other.

A part of her insisted that she should go home, eat something, shower and get a good night’s rest in her comfortable bed. But another part of her adamantly pointed out all the things she hadn’t yet gotten around to. And while she wanted to stay and get as much accomplished as possible, she had to admit that she wouldn’t be able to do much of value in her exhausted state. But all the same…she couldn’t help but feel torn. So instead of figuring out which route to take, Natsuki let her forehead hit her desk and let out a low groan.

“Oh wow. You really are hopeless when I’m not around aren’t you?”

Natsuki’s features had already pulled into a frown as she lifted her head to bring her red-haired friend into her line of sight. “What do you want Mai?”

The other woman faked a pout and leaned against the doorframe. “Well I was here to see if you were done work but obviously it doesn’t matter either way.”

Natsuki’s frown melted away as curiosity over took her. “Why would you want to know if I was done?”

An amused smile curved the other woman’s lips and it became clear she’d gotten the exact reaction she had wanted. “Well…I felt like cooking something new but I don’t really like cooking when there’s no one around to try it…”

The question was clear in the red head’s words and Natsuki couldn’t help but let out a little scoff. “And what, you think I’d want to be your guinea pig?”

Mai danced over to stand beside her and beamed. “Of course! And even if you weren’t willing to have dinner with me on the pretense of trying some new concoction of mine, I know you’re going to say yes anyway.” As Natsuki began to scoff once more Mai continued on. “And I know you’ll say yes because I’m on the verge of breaking out the ‘I’m really lonesome and need someone to keep me company or I’ll call you at three a.m. crying’ card.”

Any resistance Natsuki had begun to feel disappeared completely. She knew how much Mai needed constant companionship. After how close she and her brother had been growing up she’d never really been able to be completely on her own. It didn’t matter who was with her, so long as it was someone she loved and could take care of to some degree, Mai was happy. This came down to her brother, who had his own life, her job, which only fulfilled her to an extent, and her boyfriend, who seemed to constantly be away on business, and her friends. And by friends, it mainly consisted of Natsuki. And if the truth were to be told, Natsuki really didn’t mind filling the void, especially considering how much Mai had been there for her lately. Her lips quirked into a small smile as she responded, “Alright Mai, you win. Do you want to get some groceries first?”

Mai nodded, her excitement clear in her eyes. “Yeah. I don’t have any of what I need at my house. Besides, I was thinking I could cook at your place. You have a nicer kitchen, more up to date. And so much roomier…”

A laugh escaped the blue-haired woman as she realized where her friend’s request was going. “Let me guess, we’ll go shopping, you’ll cook us dinner in my apartment, and then by the time we’ve eaten and relaxed it’ll be too late for you to head home and you’ll sneak into my bed and sleep with me again.”

Her response was a slightly sheepish nod mixed with pleasure at Natsuki’s subtle acceptance.

Natsuki smiled and stood. “Well then, I guess I’ll get my things and then we’ll go.”

-

After a quick shopping trip, Natsuki and Mai found themselves standing in the kitchen with the bags of ingredients piled on the counter in front of them. Natsuki let her eyes wander over the bags and tried to piece together what they were going to make. Eventually she gave up and turned to the red head, who had started to excitedly unpack the groceries. “Hey Mai? What are we having for dinner?”

The other woman paused and turned to glance at her friend in surprise. “I didn’t already tell you?”

Natsuki snorted. “No Mai. You didn’t. And that is why I’m asking you.”

“Heh, my bad.” Mai smiled sheepishly. “I thought it might be fun to make some traditional, feel-good, Italian food.”

Natsuki nodded, finding that the idea appealed to her. But as nice as Italian food sounded, she still wasn’t sure what exactly the meal would entail. “So are we talking spaghetti, lasagna, tortellini, or something else?”

“Wow Natsuki. I didn’t realize you were such a connoisseur of Italian food.” Mai gave her a wink that supported her teasing tone. “But as wonderful as pasta is, we’re going a little more traditional and a lot more global.”

There was a long silence as Natsuki stared at her in confusion. At first she was planning on merely forcing Mai to state what they were preparing outright but she found that Mai’s clear intent to make her guess might be fun. As she turned the information over in her brain she began to help Mai unpack the bags, finding that there were a lot of things Mai had added to the bag while she’d been off gathering other items. There was chicken, mushrooms, cheese, yeast, ham, canned pineapple bits, flour…Natsuki frowned in concentration as she began to form an idea. “Mai…are we making pizza?”

Mai beamed and clapped her hands together. “Exactly! Home-made pizza is the absolute best. Making the dough can be a bit annoying but it’s way better than the store bought premade stuff.”

“Okay. So I get most of the ingredients. But why is there chicken?”  Natsuki pointed at the chicken and looked at her friend expectantly.

Mai’s smile turned a bit mischievous as she eyes the chicken. “There was a recipe I saw the other day for a type of pizza that sounds both horrible and perfect. I looked up some of the reviews on the recipe and now I really want to try it and see what it tastes like.”

“Uh huh. But seriously, what kind of pizza has chicken on it?” Natsuki frowned at the thought. “That seems so wrong on so many levels.”

“You just don’t like the idea because you’re a traditionalist.” Mai stuck her tongue out at her friend and received an eye roll for her efforts. “Besides, a Chicken alfredo pizza doesn’t sound too weird.”

Natsuki blinked. “Chicken alfredo? Seriously?”

Mai threw a balled up bag at her friends head and rolled her eyes. “Yes Natsuki. Just for that I’m going to force you to try it. And then I’m going to force you to like it.”

Natsuki barely restrained herself from laughing. “Right, and how are you planning on doing that?”

The red head tapped her chin in an exaggerated motion. “Well…I was thinking of drugging you, tying you up, and forcing you to eat it.”

A bark of shocked laughter escaped Natsuki’s lips. “You are definitely a weird one aren’t you Mai?”

Mai faked a pout and rolled her eyes. “There’s a difference between being weird and being creative and adventurous Natsuki.” She poked the taller woman in the side then proceeded to smoothly show Natsuki how to prepare the dough. As they worked they lapsed into a comfortable silence.

It wasn’t until they were setting their dough into bowls to rise that Mai spoke again. “Yuuichi called me last night.”

The mere sentence was enough to give Natsuki a rough understand of what was to come. In recent weeks, Yuuichi’s name was always followed with annoyance or sadness on Mai’s part. It seemed that each time they spoke or saw each other, there relationship deteriorated more. The last time they’d spoken had been a testament to that, resulting in a full on fight. One of the first they’d had in a very long time. “Did he apologize for what he said last time?”

Mai scoffed. “You know how he is. Instead of admitting that there’s a problem and trying to deal with it he’s trying to run away from it.”

The mixture of anger and bitterness in her friend’s normally cheerful voice caused Natsuki to stop what she was doing and turn to place all of her attention on the distraught woman. “What did that dumbass do?”

Mai shifted her stance so that she was facing her friend and leaned her hip against the counter. “He asked for a break. I think his exact words were ‘I’ve heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder and since neither of us have been feeling very fond of each other lately, I think it might help if we take some time for ourselves.’”

Natsuki stared at her in shocked disbelief and shook her head. While she knew Mai was merely stating what had happened a part of her didn’t want to believe it. Mai and Yuuichi had been together just as long as she and Shizuru had been, if not longer and while the two of them had definitely had their share of problems, they’d always come through them stronger than ever. “I’m so sorry Mai.”

Mai sighed sadly and bit her lip. “That’s not all…” She trailed off for a moment and glanced away only to step forward and wrap her arms around Natsuki tightly. She was silent for a moment before she continued her sentence in a near whisper that Natsuki could only hear due to her friend’s proximity to her. “I said no. I told him that I’m done, that we were done.”

Natsuki didn’t have time to be shocked. Just as she’d begun to process the other woman’s admission she felt her start to shake as harsh sobs racked her petite frame. It was all Natsuki could do to wrap her arms around her friend tightly and run her hand up and down her back soothingly, whispering soft reassurances.

Neither woman knew how long they stood like that, but they made no move to draw apart until Mai had stopped crying and stepped back shakily. “I think there should be some sort of announcement about this.” She laughed as Natsuki’s lips lowered into a confused frown. “I mean really, how often is it that Natsuki Kuga lets someone cry all over her?”

As she understood Mai’s meaning Natsuki couldn’t help but laugh. “I guess you’re right. I mean, as far as I can remember I’ve only let three people cry on me.”

“Three?” With the length of time they’d been friends, Mai knew when it was a good time to pry and she was well aware that Natsuki had intentionally given her an opening.

Natsuki barely refrained from rolling her eyes as violet eyes lit up with curiosity. If there was one thing she could always count on Mai for it would be her constant thirst to know everything that went on in the lives of those she cared for. “My mother, Shizuru, and you. Three.”

Mai’s eyes brimmed with moisture once more and Natsuki wasn’t sure if they were happy tears or not. “Right now…I don’t know what to do with myself. I mean, a part of me knew that Yuuichi and I weren’t right for each other anymore. We’ve both changed so much and I just…I _knew_ it was coming. I had expected him to be the one to end it but…” Mai sighed. “I don’t really know what to do with myself now. There’s all this time that I devoted to him, to thinking about him, to talking to him, seeing him, _loving_ him. And now…”

This time it was Natsuki who stepped forward to embrace the other woman. “Then maybe…maybe it’ll help if we try to figure this all out together. I know how you feel and I can’t promise you it’ll go away. I still haven’t figured it out. But we can try to sift through all this crap together and see where we go from there.”

Mai hugged her friend tightly. “Thank you Natsuki. Thank you so much.”

They maintained the embrace for a few more moments before Natsuki pulled away and gave her friend a reassuring smile. Mai grinned back then clapped her hands together. “Now that all this blubbering is done, I think our dough is almost ready. But first, we must prepare all of our ingredients!”

Natsuki chuckled at her friend’s quick bounce back to her normal antics. She knew Mai wasn’t magically all better but she was glad her broken relationship didn’t affect her as negatively as losing Shizuru had affected Natsuki. Natsuki also knew that for the next little while, she was going to keep a close eye on the younger woman.

As Mai passed Natsuki the cheese grater and the mozzarella cheese she paused with the items just out of her friend’s reach and waited for the other woman to meet her gaze. “Natsuki…you know how you said we’d sift through all this crap together?”

Natsuki nodded warily. “Yeah, that was only a few minutes ago. It’ll take longer than that for me to forget.”

“Longer than a few nights?” Mai asked hopefully.

“Uh huh. That seems likely.” Natsuki narrowed her eyes as the other woman’s eyes took on an excited edge.

“So that means I can sleep with you for at least that long right?” Mai was practically bouncing with anticipation by that point.

“Sure.” As Mai finally pressed the items into Natsuki’s hands she nearly dropped them in shock as she realized what she’d agreed to. “Wait…what?”

Mai grinned. “I hate sleeping alone. So this will be really helpful. Besides, it makes sense, especially since we’ve been traveling to work together lately. And we can take up each other’s free time so we don’t act like depressed hermits.”

“Depressed…hermits?”

“Yeah!”

Natsuki groaned as she mentally admitted to herself that Mai was right. And even more importantly, there was no way she’d be able to say no to her friend. “Fine. You can stay for as long as you need to.”

And with a final whoop of joy from the red head, the deal was sealed.

-

Natsuki tucked her dishes into the dishwasher and made a mental note to run it before they set off to bed. She could hear the shower turn on and knew that Mai had just jumped in. With some time to herself she decided to take a seat at the table and process the evening.

Dinner had been fun and Natsuki had to admit to herself that she’d missed having someone to share the evenings with. But now that she was alone, she couldn’t help but think of the reasons why she and Mai had been able to share the evening with one another. After what had happened with Shizuru she could sympathize with what her friend was going through. And though being able to understand the other woman’s pain was a good thing, it also worried her. It had been over a month since she and Shizuru had broken up and she still hadn’t made much progress with getting herself straightened out. In fact, she was positive that the only reason she’d made it as far as she had was because of Mai.

Without Mai…she would have definitely become a depressed hermit. To an extent, she had actually become one. A faint smirk crossed her mouth as she thought of the look that had been on the red head’s face as she’d uttered the description.

The smirk faded as she resumed her former train of thought. Even with Mai’s sunny presence she still had times where her inner pain broke through and took over her thoughts. It always seemed to be the silliest things that would throw her back towards that dark mess of emotions that had been with her ever since Shizuru had left. It could be something like seeing a woman who resembled Shizuru or hearing a laugh that sounded almost exactly like hers. Hell, even the little things could bring it all flooding back if she wasn’t careful.

Little things like the rain that was starting to hit the kitchen window.

And with the rain came the reminder that she still felt the same wave of emotional agony that she’d felt in those first days. She wanted to be strong, and act as if her emotions didn’t affect her and she wanted to tell herself that she was moving on, getting better. But how could she when every time she let herself feel the pure strength of her misery it was nearly enough to cause her to double over? Who the hell ever thought that strong emotions were a good thing? She could barely function around the stupid things.

Natsuki rubbed her hand over her face, mentally chastising herself for getting so worked up over something as unchangeable as her emotions. Rather than internally raging she needed to move beyond them. A part of her couldn’t help but blame the weather in spite of her knowledge that her growing habit of blaming inanimate objects was silly and probably said nothing favourable about her mental state.

Though there was some validity to the way she was feeling. The rain had definitely been having a large effect on her. The more it rained the more on edge she became. And though she was loathe to admit it, she knew that the issue was. The rain made her pine after Shizuru. “Like a lovesick puppy.” She groaned and shook her head.

Every time she smelt the rain or felt the drops hit her face she was reminded of the day they’d finally gotten together. It had been in their second year of university. They had one class that ended at the same time and always met up in front of the main building to walk home together. It had been one of those days when Natsuki had just caught sight of the brunette that the sky had suddenly released a powerful torrent of rain.

Natsuki bit her lip as she tried to refrain from succumbing to her memories. They would only bring her pain and she didn’t care if she could handle the pain or not. Too many things hurt and Natsuki was sick of the constant up and down route she’d been taking emotionally. She didn’t want to hurt anymore. She didn’t have to feel good she just wanted to feel nothing, to be apathetic to her own feelings. A whimper escaped her as she finally gave in and stopped fighting the thoughts of times long past that incessantly pushed at her with each resounding rain drop that hit the roof above her.

_Natsuki groaned and stuffed her notebook into her bag as she ran towards the library. She knew Shizuru would be there waiting for her. Somehow the brunette woman always managed to be on time. It was as though her professors never needed to hold her back to talk with her after class and no class mates ever needed to ask her questions. She blew out a huff of air, knowing that it wasn’t true. Shizuru was the type of person that everyone wanted to talk with. It didn’t matter if it was a professor wanted to discuss a thesis on one of her papers or a fellow student asking her opinion on something, everyone wanted to know what Shizuru thought. She was a paragon. And Natsuki wasn’t one to disagree with that supposed status. She knew firsthand that the crimson eyed girl lived up to the title._

_A small smile curved her lips as something occurred to her. This amazing young woman, a woman who many viewed to be perfection in human form, loved her. Natsuki knew she was an intelligent person, and she knew she had the determination to do many things with that intelligence. She also wasn’t one to deny that she was at least passably good looking or that she was strong. She also couldn’t deny that she was a good friend to those she let close to her. Shizuru had made sure to drill that into her head using the most convincing tactics. These things Natsuki knew. But that didn’t compare to perfection and Shizuru was definitely perfection. But that didn’t bother Natsuki. She felt lucky to have the undivided attention of the older girl._

_And there was no longer a question of whether or not Natsuki had Shizuru’s undivided attention. The carmine eyed woman had proved it multiple times. One of the ways she did so was by making the effort to always be on time for the days they agreed to meet up. It didn’t take a genius to know that people vied for Shizuru’s time and company. And the mere fact that Shizuru somehow ended up spending the majority of her time outside classes with Natsuki said something to her. Sure it had taken her some time, in all honesty a great deal of time, to put two and two together to realize that Shizuru was turning people down to spend time with her, but once she had, Natsuki had felt warm and fuzzy every time she remembered it._

_Eventually she had started to wonder why Shizuru wanted to spend so much time with her. Yeah, she knew that Shizuru loved her. And she knew that her feelings amounted to more than those for a friend, but that didn’t mean that she wanted to be by her side all the time. Or so she had thought. But after a while, Natsuki realized that loving someone did mean that. And she figured it out by accidentally falling into Shizuru’s shoes._

_It had taken her some time to accept. But that was to be expected. Everything with her that regarded even a slight bit of reference to feelings and what they meant took time. With enough thought and brooding however, Natsuki had come to the only possible conclusion. It was undeniable, inescapable and territory she was clueless about._

_Natsuki Kuga was in love with her best friend._

_And even though she knew said best friend loved her back she had no idea what to do about it. How did you run up to your best friend who’d been in love with you for god knows how long and tell them you returned their feelings? Would Shizuru even believe her? Hell, she hadn’t believed it at first herself. She’d questioned her own feelings from every angle multiple times to be sure she wasn’t just confusing friendship with love. But the lust that accompanied these new ultra warm and fluffy feelings eventually made it clear that Natsuki was no longer viewing the brunette as a mere companion. Or at least, her body wasn’t._

_So now all she had to do was figure out how to confess her new found, and definitely more sexual feelings. The issue with the seemingly simple first step was that Natsuki had no idea how to even begin to go about it. Wasn’t it supposed to be romantic? Or was just running up to them and saying, “Hey, what’s up? Oh, by the way I kind of love you and I may or may not want to have sex with you.” acceptable? Natsuki knew when a situation was beyond her understanding. And she knew that the best course of action in such a case was to ask an authority on it. Only problem was that the only authority she knew on falling in love with your female best friend was the female best friend she was in love with. So that one was a no go._

_All of her frantic thoughts were wiped away as a familiar figure appeared in her view. Natsuki hadn’t even realized she’d reached the library building. Her small smile turned into a full scale grin as the other woman noticed her and waved, smiling her usual serene smile. The blue-haired woman couldn’t help the fluttering feeling that spread throughout her stomach and into her chest any more than she could halt the urge to run towards the target of her affections. So she let go and gave in, enjoying the pounding of her sneakered feet as she sprinted towards her friend. She reached her quickly, long legs having eaten up the distant in efficient strides. “Hey Shizuru. Sorry to have kept you waiting. One of my teachers wanted to talk about an assignment. Have you been here long?”_

_Before the burgundy-eyed woman even open her mouth Natsuki knew what she would say. Maybe not the exact words, but she knew what the gist of it would be. Every time Natsuki was late and kept Shizuru waiting the woman would always brush it off with some variation of ‘Don’t worry about it, I haven’t been here long’._

_“I’ve only been here a few minutes. And before you attempt to apologize I think you should know that I’ve been enjoying myself quite a bit. People watching can entertain a person for a very long time if they look closely enough. You can even give them names and back stories if you so desire but I find merely watching and trying to discern their current situations to be more than enough.” True to her words, Shizuru’s dark red eyes were shining with amusement. She then stepped towards Natsuki and discreetly motioned towards a young woman who was rushing up the steps they stood in front of toward the library doors. “Take that girl over there for instance, I would assume she’s a freshman and a deadline for one of her papers has managed to sneak up on her. Hence the frantic look to her and the mess of disorganized papers in her hands.”_

_Natsuki had moved her gaze back to Shizuru after surveying the woman she’d pointed out, but after hearing Shizuru’s assessment she looked back at the blond. She was indeed carrying a mess of papers in her arms and she did have a very rushed, frazzled air about her. If Natsuki had paid more attention she probably would have drawn similar conclusions to those Shizuru had come up with. Suddenly an urge overtook her and Natsuki spoke without thinking it over. “What would you assume about me if you didn’t know who I was and I’d walked by?” A light blush dusted Natsuki’s cheeks as she waited for the elder woman’s response. Though she was embarrassed by her outburst, her curiosity eclipsed any concerns she may have had about her friend’s reaction to her words._

_Shizuru’s eyes flashed with mirth and something else that disappeared before Natsuki could fully identify it. Her gaze stayed on Natsuki’s face for a short period of time before she took a step back and let her eyes rove over the slender, blue-haired woman’s appearance. “Well, from your lack of uniform and your book bag I’d be able to peg you as a university student. And from the way you hold yourself I’d be able to assume that you’ve attended at least one semester of school. You have an assurance to you that new students simply don’t have. If I use my observation of you just now I’d say it was clear that you had some where to be. And from the generally relaxed posture and the slight smile on your face you enjoyed the thought of your destination.” Shizuru’s lips curved once again but this time the smile failed to reach her eyes. “But judging by the way you were chewing on your lip you had something on your mind that troubled you, though not to the extent that it would ruin your day.” Honey brown haired swayed to the side as Shizuru tilted her head._

_Natsuki blinked. She’d always known Shizuru was perceptive but she’d never imagined that the elder woman would be able to read so much into the little things she did. Then again, Natsuki had been noticing a lot of little things about Shizuru since she’d come to terms with her feelings. Even before that. Now that she was thinking about it Natsuki couldn’t help but subtly rove her gaze over her friend. Shizuru’s face was calm but there was something off in her eyes. And whatever it was that she was trying to contain also showed in her body language. Her right arm covered her middle and her hand held onto her other arm with a tight grip._

_She was worried._

_The realization hit Natsuki like a ton of bricks. What in the world would Shizuru worry about? Did she do badly on a test or a paper? That was unlikely. Maybe she was having relationship troubles? Natsuki discarded that possibility as well, both because she figured the brunette would have told her and, more importantly, because Natsuki didn’t want to consider the thought. What if something had happened to her family? All of the possible harms that could have come to Shizuru’s parents flashed through her mind. She chewed on her lip and lost focus of her own reality as she fretted over other unlikely possibilities. Without thinking she ended up speaking aloud. It didn’t even become apparent to her that she’d said anything until dark red eyes focused on her sharply. Her first instinct was to take back whatever she’d said. She still wasn’t sure what it had been but from the odd look in Shizuru’s eyes it had probably been invasive or uncomfortable. Or perhaps neither, though Natsuki suddenly didn’t care. She wanted to know what was bothering her friend, no matter how awkward of a discussion it might end up being._

_“I…hadn’t expected that.”_

_Natsuki barely resisted the urge to bring her palm up to cover her face to hide the expression of disbelief she knew was there. She’d expected something earth shattering or maybe even life changing but instead she got a vague sort of phrase. And, as though it wished to join in on the confusion of the moment, the sky released a small drizzling of rain that promised an oncoming downpour. Natsuki ignored the drops of water that blended into her clothing and hair and focused instead on the woman in front of her. “Okay, I’m just going to be honest and admit that I have no idea what I just said. What was unexpected?”_

_Varying emotions flowed over elegant features ranging from disbelief to confusion and finally to amusement that resulted in a spurt of soft laughter. “You said I looked sad and that you didn’t like it. You then proceeded to mumble about a great deal of things. From what I gathered you seemed to be playing with the idea that my entire family died in a freak bomb accident. That, by the way, is not the case in the slightest.”_

_Natsuki rolled her eyes. “I don’t even remember thinking that. I mean sure I was worried something had happened to your parents but I didn’t specifically think they’d gotten bombed.” She frowned and thought back to the flurry of thoughts that had run through her head. “Then again I may have. What else did I say?”_

_Shizuru started to reply then hesitated, a look of vulnerability flowing into her eyes. “I didn’t fully catch it but you said something about relationship problems and how I would only have them over your dead body. But I truly think I must have heard you-“_

_“Oh damnit. I didn’t tell you that I’m in love with you did I? I mean I’ve been planning to but I never meant to do it…” From the shell-shocked look on the elder girl’s face Natsuki quickly discerned that she’d said nothing of the sort. At least she hadn’t before, but in her current brilliant state she’d managed to blurt it out in exactly the way she’d feared she’d done before. She smacked her hand against her forehead and groaned. “Goddamn it! Okay, okay. Pretend I didn’t just say that. As far as-“Suddenly the earlier drizzle turned into a torrent of pounding rain. The soft drops from before became cold, wet missiles. Natsuki debated what she wanted more, to be dry and warm, or to finish what she started._

_One look at the woman she’d mistakenly confessed to in a moment of thoughtlessness and all her decisions were made. Natsuki stepped forward, putting herself in reach of the taller woman. She hesitated a moment before she reached up and held Shizuru’s face between her hands. She waited until the warm burgundy gaze she’d come to adored locked on her own before she spoke. “I love you Shizuru. I think I always have and I’ve just been too damned dimwitted to realize it. And once I finally did come to terms with it I was so afraid about saying or doing the wrong thing. Somehow, I guess I ended up doing the wrong thing by saying it all wrong. But I don’t really think it matters anymore. We’re what matters. What we are and what we could be. I’ve made you wait for that for a long time Shizuru but I don’t want either of us to wait anymore. And I know I’ll probably screw up and say all the wrong things at all the wrongs times. Because I’m not perfect and I’m pretty sure I never will be. But you fell in love with me first so I’ve come to the conclusion that you like that about me. You know all the bad Shizuru and you’ve seen the best of me, now the question is, do you think you can put up with having me as your girlfriend?”_

_Shizuru stared at Natsuki, not saying anything for a moment. Her expression was bewildered and for once, it seemed Shizuru was at a loss for words. Almost as if to prove this, she merely repeated the question. “Put up with…girlfriend?”_

_Knowing that nothing she said could solidify her words better than her actions could, Natsuki leaned in and slid her mouth over Shizuru’s own. Her lips were soft and pliant and though Shizuru’s shock was tangible she responded to Natsuki’s kiss almost immediately. They moved their lips hesitantly against one another’s, learning together. It wasn’t awkward by either of their standards. Different and new, definitely, but it was different in the most enjoyable of ways. Natsuki would have been happy to stay there forever and most likely would have had the rain not become even more persistent in attempting to soak them through._

_She pulled away slowly and blushed as she saw the look on Shizuru’s face. It seemed to be a cross between desire, astonishment, and excitement. She smiled and removed her hands from Shizuru’s cheeks to take the brunette’s hands into her own. “A year ago you made a similar confession to me. And I asked you for time. Time to get my life back in order and figure out what I wanted and what I needed. At first I thought there was no way I could ever be with you romantically but then I realized that it wasn’t you. I didn’t think I could be with anyone romantically. But eventually, what I thought stopped mattering as I started thinking about how I felt. My mind suddenly had no say. It was too busy trying to keep up with everything else. So here we are. And now it’s your turn.”_

_Shizuru smiled, understanding shone in her eyes. “I’ve always known what my answer would be Natsuki. I’m not sure if I ever had a choice about it, but I am sure I never wanted one. My answer is yes. It can’t be anything else. I’ve been yours since the day I first saw you and every day I realize again and again that I probably always will be.”_

_They stared at each other for a long moment, emerald eyes gazing into burgundy. But after a time reality began to seep in and they became aware once more that it was raining. Shizuru looked down at her soaked apparel then over at Natsuki’s. “Perhaps we should get indoors and dry off?”_

_Natsuki nodded. “Yeah. My apartment’s closer. We should head there.” As they began walking towards her apartment building she slipped her hand into Shizuru’s as discreetly as she could manage, still unsure about how to act with her now girlfriend. All uncertainty vanished as the brunette gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. They walked slowly neither very bothered by the rain as both women were intent on enjoying the warmth flooding through them. It wasn’t until they’d nearly reached her apartment that Natsuki remembered what had resulted in their conversation in the first place. “Oh yeah, what were you worried about Shizuru?”_

_Her rose colored lips curved into a mirth-filled smile. “I was worried about you silly. You seemed so preoccupied and I couldn’t help but fear that you’d gotten into an argument with one of your professors again and once again resorted to calling him the equivalent of a sexist moron in front of the entire class.”_

_Natsuki’s cheeks flushed as she remembered the outburst that had made her the talk of half the university at the beginning of her freshman year. “I couldn’t help it. He was a sexist moron.”_

_Shizuru chuckled softly. “Very true. However sometimes it’s best to refrain from pointing the truth out.”_

_Natsuki mock pouted. “Oh yeah? Well what about this time? Should I have refrained from telling you the truth?”_

_There was no conviction in Natsuki’s words and they both knew it however Shizuru smiled softly and squeezed her hand. “No. Though perhaps this is one of those times you should have said something much sooner. Then again I would assume that it took you a great deal of time to figure it out, hmm?”_

_Natsuki narrowed her eyes at the brunette and withdrew her hand to cross her arms over her chest. “I wanted to be sure. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with taking your time to figure things out.” She paused as her brows drew together in a worried frown. “Is there?”_

_Shizuru merely winked at her and laughed. And with her chiming laughter filling the air, Natsuki realized that she couldn’t bring herself to care so long as she made Shizuru happy._

Natsuki buried her face into her arms. She remembered that day so vividly. The way the rain had sounded, the way she’d felt- everything. She’d been nervous, but confident. What had happened to that self-assurance? Why had she stopped believing in the way the brunette had felt about her? Where along the way had she lost that stability, that belief that no matter what came her way, she could manage it? The girl she’d been had been worthy of Shizuru in spite of her imperfections. But no matter how hard Natsuki tried, she was having a difficult time correlating that girl to who she had become.

But try she would. Because that girl was everything Natsuki wanted to be. Or at least she was the raw version. Natsuki pushed herself up and looked around her apartment. She hadn’t turned any lights on when she’d re-entered the room and the little light that was seeping in from outside did little to brighten the space. She walked over to the switch and flicked it on, wincing a bit as bright light flooded the room.

As she looked around her thoughts veered onto a new path and merged with something Mai had said before. A large part of her problem was the emptiness, the lack of knowing what to do with herself. Mai had described that perfectly. Without Shizuru, Natsuki didn’t know what to do with herself. The little amount of free time she’d allowed herself outside of work had always been devoted to Shizuru, even when their relationship had been falling apart.

And maybe that was it. Maybe that was part of the problem. She’d devoted all of her time to Shizuru and to her career but none to herself. And though she’d grown in her career and she’d grown as a companion and lover, she hadn’t grown as a person. Not since she was much younger. In a way she’d stunted herself. And because she had stopped growing, she couldn’t help but always look back to the time she’d been finding her place in the world.

And in a way that had always been how Natsuki dealt with things. She’d only ever really looked one step ahead. First she had to finish high school. Then get into the same university as Shizuru. Then graduate. Then get a job. Natsuki had never come up with another step after that. She floundered. Become unsure and landed herself in a loop of insecurity and self-loathing and rather than trying to deal with any of that, she’d ignored herself completely. Looked elsewhere to occupy herself.

She walked over to the couch and sank down onto soft black leather. She sat there for a few minutes and let herself relax into the cushions before she finally broached the question she’d been avoiding for so long.

“What now?”

There had been a part of her that had secretly wished that she could just convince Shizuru to be with her again and all would be well. And while she did still wish Shizuru was still a part of her life, she now knew it wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t as simple as getting Shizuru back. And it wasn’t as easy as merely doing the things she regretted not doing while they been together. The problem had always been her. And now, she had to deal with that problem. She needed to start figuring out who the hell she was, what she needed, even just what she liked. And now, she wasn’t the only one. Though Mai had maintained a better sense of herself, she’d be going through the same things to an extent.

So it turned out that they would be doing exactly what Natsuki had proposed, they’d be sifting through all the personal crap they’d neglected in favour of other things. And the best way to do that would be together. And somehow, this all meant that the next day they had free, Natsuki was going to find out if she liked knitting…and at the same time, figure out how long it took her to drive Mai nuts.

And maybe if she could get an answer to that, and start working on putting herself back together…Maybe then she could start allowing herself to fantasize about having Shizuru in her life once more.


	6. I Don't Wanna Say What I Got on My Mind, 'Cause Nothing Tonight Wants to Come Out On Time

Chapter Six - I don't wanna say what I got on my mind, 'Cause nothing tonight wants to come out on time.

It was the Monday after her excursion with her assistant and Shizuru was sitting at her desk once again, running over the details for a trial she had the next day. But no matter how hard she tried to focus, she found that her mind would wander.

And it wasn’t as though her mind was wandering towards anything in particular. It would just wander. From something like the colour of paint on her walls to what she planned on making for dinner that night. None of the things that floated through her mind were of intense interest but she couldn’t manage to keep her mind on task.

She brushed her bangs out of her face and resisted the urge to rub her eyes. She felt so drained and a small part of her just wanted to return home and lie in a dark room. She wasn’t exactly tired, though she’d been sleeping rather badly. It was more that she was…emotionally exhausted.

A sigh escaped her lips as she tried to avoid thinking about her emotions. With all the work she had to do and the papers she had to look over to prepare for her case the next day she really couldn’t deal with everything she’d been supressing. She couldn’t handle the thoughts that had been pressing at the edges of her mind.

The doubts.

_Natsuki_.

Shizuru covered her eyes and bit her lip to prevent a noise of distress from being heard. She couldn’t think about her and the choices she’d made. What was done was done. She had to move on, accept it and…

She scoffed as she gave up her attempts to delude herself and attempted to force her mind back to work once more.

-

Shizuru had just gotten back from court and was in the midst of sitting down when the door to her office burst open. At first she felt a wave of dread at the thought it might be her assistant, who was easily the last person she wanted to deal with in her exhausted state, but that was replaced with a mixture of exasperation and amusement as she saw a different woman standing in the doorway. “Haruka.”

The blond woman knew Shizuru enough to recognize her less formal welcome, one that she only used with people she felt comfortable around. “Hey! You and me, we’re heading out to get some lunch.”

Shizuru’s eyes danced as she stared at her friend. “Are we?”

Blond brows rose almost imperceptibly and a challenge flared to life in violet eyes. “That’s what I said isn’t it?”

Feeling as though she’d gotten enough of a rise out of her friend, Shizuru smiled and nodded. “Indeed you are correct. Did you have a specific place in mind?”

Haruka grinned and started off energetically, not bothering to look back to see if Shizuru was following. “I’m feeling like some foreign food today. I’m thinking Italian, genuine Italian of course. Yukino showed me a great place not long ago and I’ve been meaning to make you go there. Now is the perfect time.”

With a small but warm smile Shizuru rolled her eyes and followed the boisterous woman out, giving her assistant a quick indication as to when she would be back.

She allowed Haruka to set the pace and was unsurprised to find that they were seated in the restaurant not even fifteen minutes later. The woman was like a human incarnation of the energizer bunny. A slight frown pulled at the edges of her mouth as the comparison floated into her mind. Normally she wouldn’t have made such a connection. And in this case, the only reason it came to mind was because Natsuki had said the same thing once before. She could still remember the first night she and Natsuki had gone on a double date with Haruka and Yukino. True to who she was, Haruka insisted on dominating the conversation and did almost everything with an intensity that had Natsuki and Shizuru on the verge of exhaustion by the end of the night.

_Natsuki groaned and flopped into one of the chairs that surrounded their dining room table and let her head fall to the table’s surface. “No wonder Yukino’s so fit. She doesn’t need to exercise. Just surviving with someone like Haruka would take a serious amount of stamina. The woman’s like the goddamn Energizer bunny. Hell she’d be a better representation of what that company stands for. She literally just keeps going and going and going.” Her head shot up and she fixed Shizuru with an inquisitive stare. “Do you think Haruka ever sleeps?”_

_Honey brown brows furrowed as Shizuru tried to figure out whether or not her girlfriend was serious. After a few moments and no faltering in Natsuki’s expectant gaze she chuckled. “Well, since I’m fairly sure Haruka is human and not a rabbit I would assume she does indeed sleep.”_

_Emerald eyes rolled as Natsuki snorted. “I know she’s not a bunny Shizuru. It’s just a comparison. The Energizer bunny was the only thing I could think of that could describe Haruka.” She paused then fixed Shizuru with another stare. “Wait…are you saying you don’t know what the Energizer bunny is?”_

_Delicate brows raised and Shizuru shook her head slowly. “I’ve obviously seen the brand of batteries however I’m not entirely sure if the rabbit is related to the company or not.”_

_“You’ve never seen the commercials?” Natsuki’s eyes were wide and her voice was clearly incredulous._

_The brunette shook her head once more. “I don’t watch television.”_

_For a moment it almost seemed as though she’d shocked her companion into silence before Natsuki finally spoke once more. “Wow. Okay. I mean I don’t really watch television either but I always thought that made me a bit weird. Why don’t you?”_

_Shizuru tilted her head slightly as she considered the question. She didn’t really have anything against television, it just didn’t really interest her. As a child she’d always been busy with lessons of one kind or another or schoolwork. And as she’d gotten older the same things applied. As well, she’d begun paying attention to the people around her, studying them and trying to understand them. In a sense she guessed that was how she entertained herself. “I suppose it’s just because I’ve never really had the time. Besides, I’ve always had someone more interesting to watch than fictional characters in shows.”_

_“Someone more interesting to watch?” Natsuki hadn’t noticed the playful smirk that crossed the other woman’s lips and completely missed the implication._

_Shizuru rolled her eyes and sat down next to her girlfriend. “Yes. Someone more interesting. Someone beautiful and alluring who I could never seem to look away from. Someone who caught my attention time and time again. Someone who I eventually fell in love with. Why would I need television when I have all it offers and more right in front of me?”_

_As Shizuru spoke, realization flowed across Natsuki features and was followed with a rapidly darkening blush. “You are insane. You know that right?”_

_Shizuru smiled warmly and leaned towards the other woman. “Maybe. But would it be alright if I were only crazy for you?”_

_Natsuki’s cheeks flushed further and she looked away, unable to meet the intense burgundy eyes that she knew were focused on her alone. “You are incredibly cheesy you know that right?”_

_Shizuru laughed and leaned back with a warm smile. “I know Natsuki. But I also know it’s one of the reasons why you’re with me.”_

_The younger woman let out a snort and rolled her eyes. “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you in spite of how ridiculously cheesy you can be.”_

_They stayed like that for a moment, with Shizuru silently pleased to have won another admission of affection from her emotionally reserved partner and Natsuki trying not to drown in her girlfriend’s intense gaze._

_With a soft exhale of breath Natsuki leaned forward and pressed her lips against Shizuru’s, gently at first then increasing the pressure. Shizuru was quick to respond and while the kiss grew more passionate they maintained a slow pace, almost as though they’d agreed to draw out the moment and savour every second._

_Eventually they pulled apart, just enough to breathe but not far enough that they couldn’t rest their foreheads together. And they sat just like that, staring into each other’s eyes. Though they didn’t share their thoughts, they both knew that moment was everything to them both. They were together and they were content. And that was all they needed and more._

“Shizuru?”

Shizuru’s eyes snapped up and focused on the woman in front of her who was now frowning in concern. “I apologize Haruka, I was lost in my thoughts. What did you say?”

A strong but elegant hand caught her attention as it motioned towards a plate of pasta that now sat in front of her. “You seemed to be pretty out of it so I figured I’d just order for you.”

As the smell of the dish in front of her caught her attention and caused her mouth to water Shizuru couldn’t help but smile. She’d allowed Haruka to recommend dishes before and the woman really knew her foods. Shizuru had a sneaking suspicion that if Haruka’s love for justice hadn’t driven her into the legal field she would have become a chef, or at least owned a restaurant. “Thank you Haruka. I’m sure I’ll love it.”

Haruka gave her a quick grin and proceeded to dig into her food. With a fond smile Shizuru followed her example though in a much slower fashion. Haruka ate the same way she did everything else, with verve and speed. Shizuru was constantly amazed that the other woman didn’t choke.

After she’d made her way through half of her food Haruka put down her utensils and leaned back in her seat, fixing her friend with an intent stare. Once Shizuru noticed and looked up to give her a questioning glance, Haruka spoke. “How have you been lately?”

While she should have expected the question, Shizuru found herself taken by surprise. As she swallowed and dabbed at her mouth with her napkin she thought the question over. She wasn’t entirely sure what the other woman was getting at. Outwardly she hadn’t really shown any signs of distress. At least, not until recently. Preferring not to give her friend any more reason to worry, she merely tilted her head and smiled. “What do you mean Haruka?”

The blond snorted and rolled her eyes. “I think you know what I mean Shizuru. You haven’t been yourself lately. All you do is work.”

“Of course. I’ve had a great deal of work coming in lately.” Shizuru smiled tightly. She wasn’t sure how Haruka had been able to find out that she’d been working more than she usually did. She’d been discreet about her late hours.

A sigh escaped the other woman and she shook her head. “That’s not unusual for you Shizuru. You’ve always had a lot of people coming to you. You’re one of the best lawyers in the city. The difference is that you never used to accept every case that came your way. So what I want to know is why.”

Shizuru pursed her lips and shifted her gaze away from her friend as she thought. “I’ve had a lot of free time lately. It isn’t anything I can’t handle so you needn’t be worried Haruka.”

“I’m not worried you fool. Not about that. I know you can handle the work. Hell you could probably handle your caseload as well as mine and be alright. I know that.” Haruka shook her head, blond hair swinging wildly. “What I’m worried about is that you’re using work as a screen so that you don’t have to deal with your personal life.”

Shizuru inhaled slowly and considered it. There was some truth to what Haruka was saying and though she knew she could deny it, she had a feeling Haruka wouldn’t accept anything but honesty. But she still didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t even put her feelings into coherent thoughts let alone words. “How do you even know so much about my work habits?”

Haruka grinned. “It seems that legal assistants talk. A lot. Yukino overheard yours talking about your late nights and how worried she was.”

She repressed a groan and very nearly rolled her eyes. “Out of curiosity, what has Tomoe been saying?”

“Apparently the two of you went out on a friendly excursion last week. You helped her with some sort of personal business. And apparently the two of you have been growing a great deal closer.” Haruka smirked, enjoying the obvious discomfort that flowed through Shizuru’s frame. She knew that her friend was putting off answering her earlier question and while she was alright with it, she did intend to make every moment she used avoiding the question to make her friend feel as awkward as possible.

A spark of mischief glinted in her eyes as she leaned forward. “Oh my. Shizuru you aren’t engaging in an illicit affair with your young assistant are you? I mean, I know you’ve been having a hard time lately but I really don’t think that girl is the answer.”

Shizuru’s normally reserved features gave way to a wide eyed expression of shock and disgust. “Haruka! Do you really think I would engage in such activities?”

A smile was her initial answer. “I think you would, if the woman was right.”

Shizuru’s slight flinch would have been invisible to anyone else, but with her honed skills of observation Haruka caught it and catalogued it to add to the profile she was building of her friend’s current state. “Really Haruka. You should know better. The only thing I like about Ms. Marguerite is how efficient and thorough she is. If I thought I could find someone else with the skills she has I would. And at this rate, I’m thinking I may just attempt to and save myself all of these ridiculous assumptions.”

Haruka laughed. “I figured as much. And if it matters, Yukino dismissed the girl’s words from the get gone. But I do advise that you try to rein her fantasies in. She’s obviously got her eyes on you. Especially now that she knows you’re available.”

“Get go Haruka, not get gone.” Shizuru smiled weakly at the pang that followed Haruka’s assessment of her marital status. “And I agree. I’ll have to find a way to remind her that our only relationship is that of an employer and an employee. I really would rather not deal with finding a replacement right now.”

They sat in a comfortable silence as they continued to eat and Haruka waited until they were almost done to readdress her earlier question. “How are you Shizuru? And this time, I know you understand my meaning.”

Shizuru couldn’t help but stiffen once more. She knew she could keep up her act but she knew that with Haruka, it would merely be that, an act. And Haruka hadn’t become a widely sought after lawyer because she was easily fooled. Shizuru withheld a sigh as she tried to figure out what to do and in the end, she merely smiled at her friend. “I know Haruka, and I’m okay. Not great but I’m getting by.”

In response tan arms crossed under a generous chest and Haruka scowled. “Seriously Shizuru, I’ve known you for how long? Your happy go lucky fake bullshit doesn’t work on me anymore. I can see it when you’re lying.”

Shizuru kept her eyes empty of the turmoil she felt building up within and gave Haruka an innocent smile. “That’s a bit of a crass description. But no less than what I would expect from you Haruka.” Shizuru reached for the still-warm cup of tea that she’d been neglecting and sipped at it as she waited for another aggressive response.

Haruka leaned back in her seat and made it painfully apparent that they were going to be there for a while if Shizuru wouldn’t be forthcoming with the answers she was looking for. “Case and point right there Shizuru. You always get ultra-polite when you’re trying to divert someone’s attention. And on top of that you always head for the tea when you’re stressed. I know you. I was your study buddy through university. Try all you want but you can’t hide.”

Shizuru had to acknowledge that Haruka had a point. The two of them had received top grades all through law school and they’d both been blessed with one of the qualities that made a great lawyer: observation. And they have honed that skill using each other. That also made Haruka one of the people who knew Shizuru best. She sighed and sipped at her tea slowly before looking at Haruka once more. “Since we’re probably going to be here a while we should probably ask for a pot of tea to be brought over.”

“Good idea.” Haruka smiled easily, she knew from the slight relaxing of her friend’s shoulders that she’d won the first battle and knocked down Shizuru’s first line of defence. From there all she had to do was ask all the right questions in the right way and she’d be able to piece together the problem.

Once they’d flagged down a server and received their pot of tea they easily settled in for what they knew was going to be an uncomfortable conversation. Shizuru couldn’t help but be relieved that they were in a secluded corner of the restaurant. As she began refilling her almost-full cup she had to admit to herself that she was just trying to find ways out of initiating the conversation. She’d been delaying it with everyone for so long that she had begun to do it on pure instinct. But Haruka deserved some sort of answer. And now that she’d decided to do so, there was nothing more she could do or say to put it off any longer. Not only that but Haruka wasn’t like everyone else who had pursued the topic. She couldn’t just subtly make it clear that she didn’t want to discuss it and have her back down. Haruka wanted to know what was wrong and Shizuru knew the blond wouldn’t leave until she had the information she was after. “So, what is it exactly that you would like to discuss Haruka?”

Violet eyes surveyed the brunette carefully before speaking. Haruka began to frown as she picked up on the small signs that Shizuru hadn’t been doing well. Her normally ivory skin was a bit too pale, verging on sickly. And she could see traces of dark bags under the woman’s burgundy eyes that had been mostly covered by concealer. She swore softly. “What happened Shizuru? You’re a mess.”

Shizuru gave Haruka a small smile that was tinged with weariness. “Blunt as ever Haruka. And haven’t you heard? Natsuki and I are no longer together.”

Haruka couldn’t help but feel surprised. She’d known about the split, but to have Shizuru come out and admit it so harshly…she hadn’t been expecting that at all. She’d assumed that she would have to work up to it and force it out of the other woman. But a second look made it easier to understand as she caught the signs of weariness and sadness that seemed almost permanently etched in the woman’s pretty features. She paused a moment longer as she determined how far the other woman could be pushed. She knew Shizuru had a breaking point, she’d never seen it but she’d come close. And it wasn’t something she wanted to bring her friend to. So when she finally spoke, she left her question as open as possible to allow Shizuru the freedom of whatever answer she could give. “Why?”

Carmine eyes became downcast and Shizuru delicately pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “Why not? It was time. It was probably something I should have done a long time ago actually but I didn’t. And now I have. It’s done.” The effort it took Shizuru to keep her tone light and flippant was too much for her and she felt her false front slipping as she sighed. “I didn’t know what to do anymore Haruka. All I could think of was to end it. I just wanted her to be happy.”

Haruka reacted with feeling and found herself standing in a swift motion before she threw her hands down on the table before her. “She was happiest with you, you moron! How could you ever think any differently? When the two of you were together you glowed! I’ve never seen any two people more perfect for each other or more happy with each other.” Haruka could see the denial in the other woman’s eyes and the desperation. Shizuru hadn’t wanted to end it. There was something…something she’d been unsure of. Something she’d felt was horribly wrong. But what? Had Natsuki cheated? No. Haruka dismissed that thought instantly. Natsuki adored Shizuru above all others. And on top of that she was sure Mai would have known and passed the information along. So what could it have been? “What went wrong Shizuru?”

A pathetic laugh escaped Shizuru’s mouth and she covered her eyes with her hand. Her actions combined with her lack of reaction to the scene Haruka was making only furthered the blond’s worries. “I don’t know Haruka. I don’t know when it happened or why, but eventually Natsuki started withdrawing. I know she still cared but it was so…she was so distant. It wasn’t the same anymore. I agonized for so long over what might have caused it. I tried everything I could think of to bridge the rift but nothing…nothing worked. So I finally came to the only conclusion that made sense to me, I ended it.”

Pain laced Shizuru’s relatively calm voice and though Haruka knew the woman was attempting to sound put together, but it was becoming more and more clear that she was losing it. “You and Natsuki gravitated to each other from the beginning Shizuru. And you fell for her almost instantly. That girl never let anyone in. Then you came along and suddenly, she opened up.” Haruka levelled an intense look towards the other woman, waiting for her hand to lower and deep red eyes to focus on her own before continuing. “Why would Natsuki open up to someone she didn’t care about?”

Shizuru brought her hand up once more to rub her temple. “I know she cared about me Haruka. But…I think that was part of the problem. She cared for me too much. So much that she took a chance on having a relationship with me.” She felt the familiar pain well through her body as she ran through the lines she’d told herself so many times before and since she’d left the woman she loved. “And I won’t deny that Natsuki loved me. But I don’t think she loved me the way I loved her.”

Haruka saw the turmoil in Shizuru’s eyes and followed the unspoken insecurities that sat between the words her friend had spoken. “Let me get this straight, you figure that Natsuki loved you so much as a friend that she entered a relationship with you to make you happy?”

There was silence as Shizuru folded her hands in front of her. For the first time she truly tried to think of a way she could phrase her feelings. A part of her wanted to say something, anything to put her friend’s mind at ease to help her understand, but she knew that honesty was indeed the best policy for the situation. Finally she raised her eyes. “I don’t know Haruka. Some days I truly believe that to be the case/ Other days I have doubts. The only constant I have right now is my work. So you’re right, I have been working too much. And it has been my coping mechanism. But I need to do something because I don’t think I can handle doing nothing. When there’s nothing for me to do my mind…I just…that night runs through my mind again and again. And I can’t take that anymore.”

Haruka sighed and ran her hand through her hair. “So your work is helping keep you from going over the edge?”

Shizuru smiled weakly. “Basically…yes. I guess that’s the best way to put it.”

Haruka surveyed the weariness in her friend’s features once more and she couldn’t stop her own from pinching with worry. “If I asked you to… for my sake, would you be willing to cut back on your work load just a bit? Enough that you would actually be able to get the amount of sleep you need?”

After a moment of thought Shizuru nodded. “I’ll do what I can. I can’t promise a huge improvement though. It might take some time.”

With a tight smile Haruka nodded again. “That’s all I’m asking for.” She exhaled with a mixture of worry and relief. “Other than all of that, how are you doing?”

Shizuru’s face was as calm as ever but her eyes revealed the tumult of emotion she was experiencing. “At this point, I really don’t know.”

Haruka sighed. “I never thought I would say this and have it actually be true but for once…you’re an idiot Shizuru.”

A small laugh escaped the other woman and she gave a beatific smile. “I do believe you’re right Haruka.”

-

“God damnit.”

Mai blinked in surprise as she heard her friend curse loudly. She quickly dried off her hands and made her way into the living room where Natsuki was seated on the couch, a mess of yarn in her hands. “Any particular reason you feel the need to damn a deity?”

“Yes I-“ Natsuki cut herself off with a sudden bark of laughter as she absorbed Mai’s comment. “Okay, well no to the deity part. I was more just thinking aloud. It seems that no matter how much time I put into doing this I just get frustrated and mess it up. I’m beginning to think knitting just isn’t my thing.”

Mai snorted as she viewed the mess in Natsuki’s lap once more. “Clearly. To be honest I wasn’t sure why you thought knitting would be a good hobby in the first place.”

There was an awkward pause as Natsuki flushed. “I don’t know. It was just the first thing I thought of.”

Mai blinked. “So…knitting just popped into your head and you decided that it was a viable option for your new hobby?”

Natsuki’s cheeks reddened further and she scowled. “I’ve never really had to develop a hobby. I just kind of thought that…Well, I don’t know what I thought. But this is definitely not what I expected.” She stood and pushed her attempt project aside and crossed her arms, frowning as she tried to decide what to do with her failure.

Mai giggled. “That isn’t really how it works, you know.”

Natsuki looked over and raised an inquisitive brow. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t just think of something and decide it’s going to be your new hobby.” Mai grinned as her friend’s frown became one of confusion. “You have to actually go with something you like. And if it’s something you enjoy doing, it’ll become a hobby. “And really Natsuki…Knitting? Out of all of the mundane, stereotypical hobbies you had to choose from you chose the one you would be worst at.”

Natsuki flushed and crossed her arms again. “I didn’t think it would end up like this. I mean really, no one ever mentions that you can actually _break_ the stupid things.”

“Break the…” Mai stared at her friend incredulously. “Did you break a set of knitting needles?”

Natsuki bit her lip as her cheeks darkened further and she attempted to look anywhere but at the woman in front of her. “I may or may not have broken a set. Or three sets. It really isn’t that odd.”

“Three sets? You broke three sets of _knitting needles_?” Mai rubbed her head and tried not to stare at her friend in horrified awe. “I didn’t even know you could break one set let alone three. What were you doing with them? Trying to stab people?”

Natsuki covered her face with her hands and let out a muffled groan. “No. But I wanted to by the time the second set snapped. I was seriously contemplating how much damage they could do to the salesperson.”

There was a potent silence as Mai attempted to hold back her reaction but finally she gave in and bent over as she laughed uproariously.

A low groan emitted from Natsuki as she flopped back against the couch cushions. “Come on Mai, it really isn’t that funny.”

Mai snorted and let out another peal of laughter before gaining control over herself once more. “Trust me, it really is. Actually, I’m pretty sure the idea of you knitting ranks as hilarious.”

Emerald eyes narrowed and Natsuki scowled. “You’re so supportive Mai.”

Though Natsuki’s sarcasm was obvious Mai merely grinned. “Really Natsuki, I have no idea why you even thought that you would find knitting to be a successful endeavour. Natsuki and knitting just sound wrong in the same sentence.” As Natsuki opened her mouth to retort Mai continued on cheerfully. “And on that note, this really isn’t the way you should be going about this.”

Natsuki’s brows furrowed and she frowned at the other woman. “Okay I get that I’m approaching this whole hobby thing the wrong way but I didn’t think I was doing such a bad job of it.”

Mai sighed and shook her head. “That’s not what I’m talking about Natsuki. I’m talking about why you’re so determined to obtain a hobby. Finding something to occupy your free time isn’t going to fix it.”

Understanding flashed in the older woman’s eyes and she quickly diverted her gaze. “I’m not really sure what you’re trying to get at here Mai.”

“Really now?” Mai scoffed and pinned her friend with a scolding glare. “Come on Natsuki. I thought you prized honesty above all else. But lately all you seem to do is lie, both to yourself and everyone else. You won’t be able to get past this until you admit to yourself that there is a ‘this’. You can’t keep running from it. I mean really, every time you get close it’s like you turn and run the other way. You can’t move forward just to move back and then try to call it progress.”

Natsuki met her friend’s eyes and remained silent. She didn’t really know what to say in response. But it seemed a reply was expected so she sighed. “Fine, you’re right. A hobby isn’t the answer. But what else can I do Mai? When I admitted it to myself I was a wreck. You saw what a mess I was. I’m barely making it as is and the only way I’m keeping it together is by bullshitting myself. So what do I do?”

Mai smiled sadly. “Say it. Just say how you feel. You can’t do anything until you do.”

“And if I don’t know how I feel?”

The other woman didn’t have to call bullshit, it was obvious in her eyes that she knew the other woman was trying to avoiding confronting her feelings once more and she wasn’t having any of it. “Then you say you don’t know.”

Natsuki sat back down heavily and shook her head. “I…Dammit fine. I miss her. I miss her so much that I don’t know how I’m still functioning. I feel like I’m missing a part of myself. I thought that kind of thing was complete crap that only existed in movies and books. Things like that aren’t supposed to be real.”

There was a short pause as Mai waited to make sure her friend was done before she exhaled silently and sat down next to her friend. “Do you know why yet?”

Natsuki’s face went blank as she tried to connected her ramblings with her friend’s question. “No? Why would I know why they have sappy shit like that in movies? Maybe for ratings? Or something?”

Mai laughed softly and shook her head. “Not that part Natsuki. I meant do you know why you miss Shizuru.”

Natsuki frowned and fixed her friend with a look of irritation before catching on that the question was a serious one. “Not really?”

“It’s been almost two months since you split Natsuki.” Mai’s look was meaningful. “Do you miss her any less than you did that first day?”

The older girl leaned back against the couch cushion as she considered it. “No. I’ve gotten better at denying it though. Does that count?”

Mai snorted and leaned back as well. “You’re the Queen of Denial Natsuki.” As the other woman gave her an appraising look she rolled her eyes. “In other words that’s a no. Denial doesn’t count.”

Natsuki sighed. “So what are you trying to say Mai? Are you going to tell me I should stop holding onto the past? That I’m not trying hard enough to move on?”

“No. I’m telling you that you might want to re-evaluate some things.” Mai met Natsuki’s incredulous look with a serene smile. “Sometimes you can’t move on Natsuki. No matter how hard you try. If you’ve given it all you’ve got and you’re not making progress, there has to be a reason.”

Natsuki’s features shifted into a pained expression and she smiled weakly. “I think I know where you’re going with this. And I’m not entirely sure I like it.”

“If only life were only about the things we liked hey?” Mai smiled again and stood up. “Unfortunately it’s not. Some days we just have to take the good with the bad and get over it.”

The corner of Natsuki’s mouth turned up in a dry smirk as she watched her friend. “And on the other days?”

Mai laughed. “Other days you pass the things you’re not fond of on to others. Like doing the dishes. I hate them, so you do them.”

Natsuki rolled her eyes. “Of course. So I take it dinner is ready?”

Her response was a quick nod as the other woman started towards the kitchen. Just as they reached the table she was pinned by the other woman’s intense violet eyes once more. “But remember Natsuki, not every problem is escapable. And this one is one of those. Think it over and you’ll get the answers you need.”

With a sigh Natsuki nodded. “I will Mai. And whether I like it or not I’ll follow it through.”

-

Natsuki rubbed her eyes and stretched. Though she hadn’t really done anything out of the ordinary that day she felt incredibly exhausted. All she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and pass out on the nearest surface. Which at that particular moment just happened to be the floor.

She took a quick glance at the time and wondered why Mai hadn’t shown up yet. Normally she was back much earlier. It wasn’t until she’d been staring at the clock for several moments that she remembered Mai had the night shift and wouldn’t be back until she’d already left for work.

With a sigh she acknowledged that she really needed to get ready for bed and proceeded to head to her bedroom to change into some pajamas. As she was about to dig through her dresser she recalled that all of her pajama shirts were in the wash. Her mouth twisted into a frown as she tried to think of a suitable replacement for the time being. It was then that she remembered an old sleep shirt she’d stopped wearing long before that she was fairly sure still sat somewhere in the closet.

As she reached out to open the closet she found herself hesitating. She hadn’t looked within it since Shizuru had removed all of her things. While they’d shared both the closet and the dresser, Natsuki had always placed most of her clothes in the dresser, leaving as much closet space as possible for all of the suits Shizuru was required to wear for her job. And the few suits and dresses she had in the closet were only necessary for formal functions that she was incredibly adept at avoiding.

Over all, the closet had always been more of Shizuru’s space. And it was the one area that would really show the brunette’s absence. And though she had of course forced herself to become used to that absence she knew this was going to affect her. Especially since she’d just allowed her mind to begin dredging up the feelings she’d been neglecting.

She frowned deeply and shook her head. She was wasting time worrying over such things and the faster she got the ordeal over with the quicker she’d be able to lie down and sleep. With that in mind she quickly pushed open the door and tried to ignore the wide open space of the area.

Emerald eyes flicked back and forth as she tried to locate the nightshirt she’d thrown somewhere long before. After a few minutes of searching her brows began to furrow as she grew frustrated. There was no sign of the deep green and grey fabric.

As she was about to close the door with a groan of irritation she spotted something out of place. In the corner of the closet there was some sort of deep blue fabric. She leaned forward and picked it up, noticing how soft the fabric was.

She held the item up and nearly dropped it as she recognized it.

The dark blue cotton fluttered to the floor as Natsuki’s emotions whirled into a tangled mess. At first she didn’t know how to feel, what to think, or what to do. All she could manage was the continued gaze she held on the clothing without fail.

In the days following Shizuru’s departure Natsuki had feared finding something the other woman had accidentally left behind. She’d been afraid of the fresh wave of pain she had known would come with it. But it had never had. Shizuru had been as thorough with removing her things as she was in every other aspect of her life.

Or so Natsuki had thought. But this one nightshirt remained, apparently forgotten. And Natsuki couldn’t help but wonder why. And more importantly, she needed to consider what to do about it. She certainly couldn’t return it, there was no way she’d be able to face the brunette yet. That left her with two other options, she could throw it away…or she could keep it.

Her teeth began to worry her lip as she realized how badly she wanted to go with the second option. She knew she shouldn’t, and she was well aware that she only wanted to keep the shirt as a means of holding on to the little she had left of the woman she loved, but she couldn’t bring herself to care about the repercussions that were involved.

With a quick shake of her head she picked the nightshirt up and folded it neatly before placing it in the dresser on top of her own night shirts, trying to avoid the light scent that wafted up from the fabric and the sting of tears it brought to her eyes.

Though she tried to tell herself otherwise, Natsuki knew she’d be using the shirt in one way or another because more than anything, she needed to be close to Shizuru. And her forgotten shirt was her only means of doing so.

-

Natsuki stepped out into the area usually reserved for those who needed to take smoke breaks. Luckily for her, no one was currently there.

She felt all the stress that has been bubbling under the surface come to a head, accompanied by the anger, the hurt and the betrayal she’d attempted to ignore. A deep sound of emotional agony ripped out of her throat and she lashed out at the nearest thing without thinking.

Slowly her emotions began to settle once more and she became aware of a stinging wetness on her knuckles. A quick glanced made it clear that her knuckles looked like they’d encountered a cheese grater and she raised her eyes to the concrete wall beside her. The small amount of red she saw there supported what she assumed she’d done.

Natsuki leaned against the wall and rubbed her non-injured hand over her face. Apparently she really hadn’t been dealing with things as well as she’d been convincing herself. Taking her frustrations out on innocent walls made that rather obvious.

She groaned quietly and turned her face up towards the sky. For a moment she allowed herself to slip back into the thinking that had gotten her to her current point. She wished that it would be so easy. That she could just be able to look up and pretend her problems didn’t exist. But she was proof that life didn’t work like that.

Unfortunately she didn’t have any of the answers she needed yet so she was stuck. She couldn’t pretend her problems weren’t important anymore but she couldn’t resolve them. That left her in the same place, with all of her negative emotions roiling underneath a fairly calm exterior.

She needed something, some sort of solution in the meantime. Especially if there was a chance everything would come out in another violent outburst. She couldn’t risk showing that kind of emotion in front of Mai and this time she’d been lucky that no co-workers were around. That kind of luck was unlikely to hold up.

Natsuki stayed there, leaning against the wall, gazing up at the sky until someone came out to use the area for its intended purpose. She gave the young man a quick nod and returned his greeting. As she headed back into the hospital to resume her work she couldn’t help but smile with genuine excitement.

She may not be able to fix her problems but she was pretty sure she’d just figured out on hell of a way to deal with them in the meantime.

-

Shizuru opened the door and was surprised to find the lights on. After quickly cursing herself for not noticing them from outside, she set her purse and jacket down and began inching towards the main part of the house to discover the intruder. She’d just entered the hall when a voice called out.

“Don’t worry sweetheart. It’s just me. I thought you might need some company.”

Shizuru’s shoulders sagged in relief. “As lovely as your company is Mother, warning is greatly appreciated.”

Her mother smiled warmly as Shizuru entered the kitchen and moved away from the stove to hug her. “It’s nice to see you too dear.”

Shizuru hugged her mother back as her eyes wandered to the pan on the stove. “Are you making dinner?”

“Mhmm.” Her mother wandered back over to the pan to check on the pork she’d been preparing and nodded as she determined it to be done. As she served the food she spoke again. “Since we weren’t able to go out to eat the other day as planned I thought coming and cooking you dinner would be just as good.”

“You didn’t have to do that. You’re technically my guest. I should be making you dinner.” Shizuru took the plate that was handed to her and smiled faintly as her mother motioned that she go and sit down for dinner.

Her mother pinned her with a stern look that promised a scolding if she were to be disobeyed. “Don’t be silly Shizuru. Besides, the fact that I’m your mother trumps the fact that I’m your guest. Which means, if I want to cook for you, you have to let me.”

“Yes Mother. Whatever you say.” Shizuru hid a smile behind her hand as her mother gave her a chastising glance. “And as much as I enjoy your company, I have a feeling you’re not only here to make dinner.”

Her mother smiled widely and in far too innocent of a fashion. “This may be true. But we’ll speak of it after dinner.”

Dinner ended up being a quiet affair with both woman more interested in enjoying their meal and relaxing than starting up intense conversation. Other than a bit of chit chat here and there they didn’t speak very much at all. It wasn’t until Shizuru had cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher that her mother let on to the reason for her visit.

“I think you have a fairly good idea why I’m here Shizuru, so I’m sure you’ll understand why I think sitting in the living room might be for the best?” She waited for her daughter to nod and led the way. Once they were comfortably seated she continued. “You haven’t looked well lately. And to be honest, I didn’t expect you to.”

Shizuru’s eyes flicked up and widened in surprise. “I’m sorry but I don’t think I’m following you.”

Her mother smiled sadly. “You and Natsuki were a good pair, a wonderful one in fact. The feelings you shared aren’t the kind that can be easily destroyed or set aside. Your break up wasn’t concrete enough for the split to be clean or simple. And as much as I wanted to be here only for support…I think you need to start dealing with this Shizuru. You’ve never been one for avoidance and now isn’t the time to start.”

Shizuru folded her hands in her lap and stared straight ahead, seeing nothing as she thought. “I guess I really have been avoiding it all. But I think that’s the biggest part of the problem really. I’m still not sure about anything. I don’t know how I feel and I don’t even know what I want to do about it.”

“You know yourself better than anyone Shizuru. And normally when you make a big decision, say one like ending an eight year relationship, I would assume that you’d be sure first.” Her mother leaned over and rested her hand over Shizuru’s own. “And I guess that’s where you should start.”

Shizuru inhaled and exhaled slowly. She wanted to say that she had been sure, that she’d known from the beginning that she was doing the right thing. She wanted to say that she was sad and feeling a bit lost, things that were normal after a break up, and that she was moving on. But she knew those were the things she wanted to tell herself. Things that her mother already knew were false. “No.” Her voice came out much smaller than she had intended and she tried once more. “At the time, I was positive. I thought I was doing the right thing. The reasoning I had based the decision on was sound, it seemed logical. But…”

“It didn’t feel right.” Her mother’s voice was gentle as she squeezed her hand in a reassuring gesture. “I don’t think you can start moving on until you figure out what feels right Shizuru. You need to stop telling yourself what seems reasonable and what is logical and instead you have to focus on what feels right to you. Until you can sort out your emotions you’ll remain stuck in this rut. And you’ve never done well with such a position.”

Shizuru withdrew one of her hands to rest on top of her mother’s. “I can’t argue with that. Ever since I was little you’ve never failed to be right. I suppose it’s a maternal thing.” She smiled weakly. “And I promise I’ll do what I can. So you needn’t worry anymore.”

Her mother laughed. “I know you’ll try Shizuru. And while that will set my mind at ease, it won’t stop me from worrying. I’m fairly sure it falls under the category of ‘maternal things’.”

Shizuru laughed along with her mother and sighed lightly as she felt a little less restrained by her situation. Between her mother and Haruka she felt a bit happier. It was easier to deal with her emotions when she didn’t have to convince herself to hide them from everyone around her. It was a burden she tended to force on herself. And though she felt a bit guilty about having worried them, she was glad to know they understood what she was going through.

They seemed to understand a little too well in fact. She smiled slightly as it occurred to her that their interference probably wasn’t over. It wouldn’t be long before one of them would be hounding her for answers. That left her with only one option, to find the answers they required. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun side note -or rather end note- time! I don't know if anyone's noticed, but the chapter titles are ridiculously long. That's because they're song lyrics. The whole story is actually named after a song. That song being Fallout by Mariana's Trench. Their album 'Ever After' was on replay a lot during the writing of the first half of this story. So if you like to listen to something while you read, I advise checking them out.  
> Once again, let's pretend the errors aren't there. Because holy crap it's all just blurring together.


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